Win Sage Spoonfuls

Sage Spoonfuls has offered to giveaway a set of Mini Storage Containers and the Sage Spoonfuls Book!! 

Click here to enter: 

http://www.mommysreviews.com/2012/12/sage-spoonfuls-review-giveaway.html

9 weeks

Today makes 9 weeks 2 days. My fatigue has not let up, but the nausea has. It doesn't seem to be as strong. I'd say I peaked around week 7. I have read I should peak right now, maybe I'm just ahead of the game. Don't get me wrong, I still get nauseous in the evening, but it's not as much of a miserable feeling as it was. My breasts are all matter of colors, and still VERY sore/tender. My abdomen is growing. It's not growing from the baby so much as the uterus is enlarging. I read it's about the size of a tennis ball/grapefruit. I am a bit moody, but nothing irrational. I am going to squeeze in another ultrasound (Monday) before my deductible starts over. It'll be peace of mind and cool to see how much the peanut has grown in 3 weeks. Pictures to follow. It doesn't feel real yet. The only part that feels real is knowing how tired I'm going to be every day and how much heartburn/reflux I'll have when I lay down at night.

My Wife gave me an ornament and a letter from the baby as one of my gifts for Christmas. It made me cry. She also got me a lot of other nice things--a de-vine throw from restoration hardware. It's amazing!! I'm wrapped up in it now as I type this. The description begins with "indulge in the sumptuous feel...". It's heavenly!! She also got me a heated throw. I got a shirt from Fossil that I loved in the store. She gave me a Buddha board.

It's almost the new year!! I better start thinking about new years resolutions. I kept a few of mine throughout this year....especially that "make a baby" one!!

8 Weeks

Here it is week 8, 2 days. I'm still having the same symptoms as I was. Nausea hits me in the afternoon, sometimes evening if I'm lucky. My ta-ta's are in the running to be good sized cantaloupes. I can feel tenderness, slight pain at my normal gate. I wear a compression sports bra 24/7. I wish I could shower with it on. My Wife took a frontal view pic of them last night to show me just how BIG they are. *gulp* I tire easily. By the time I get off work at 5:30 pm, I am ready to go to bed. I've read to exercise to get energy. I walk all day long with my job, probably many miles. I don't feel like walking MORE when I get home. So I rest when I get home, the pregnancy sites also say to REST.

It's almost Christmas. The plan is to tell my Wife's family over the holiday. I'm still on the fence about when to tell mine. I don't want to ruin their Christmas. I wish they could be happy for us, I am so hopeful they'll surprise me and at least be a LITTLE excited.

I have to admit the nausea gets old. This is not a complaint, simply a statement and acknowledgement. I dread my evenings, I look forward to my mornings of feeling energized and normal.

My belly is bloated. It's getting wider. It's looking different.

I bought my Wife a card "from" the baby. Similar to the card I sent her last month to work from the baby. This one is a Christmas card telling her how much he/she loves her. I also bought her a baby book to read to our baby "All the Ways I Love You". I hope she likes it.

Merry Christmas!!

Six Weeks

We had an ultrasound on week 6. Technically it was 5 weeks 6 days according to LMP. According to IUI it was 6 weeks 1 day. It's funny how a day can make a difference.

We had a gestational sac and a yolk sac. No embryo, no heartbeat. My doc called and scared me and asked if I understood what was going on. I told her everything I had researched said a heartbeat could show up AFTER 6 weeks. She said no, we should see it NOW. I spent the following week in a state of panic!

We went for our 6 week 6 day ultrasound yesterday (12/12/12) and saw a BEAUTIFUL heartbeat and even got to hear the 129 bpm. Our tech took a 3D pic, our baby looks just like a peanut. She saved all our pics to a DVD and sent with us.

Our doc called and apologized. I told her she gave me a week long heart attack. She agreed and said she was sorry.

We picked out our OB. It's the husband of my GYN. He uses the same ultrasound company we've been going to for the past 8 months. They are great, and we have our favorite tech.

We met with one OB--she seemed knife happy and everything had to be buy the book. The medical books. There were no alternatives. There would have been disagreements between us.

We were going to meet with another OB that the doc I used to work for recommended. I made an appointment. I text a friend and told her we had the appt. She replied back with NO NO You can't go to her!! She broke up her 6 yr relationship, 14 years ago. She had an affair with a patient. Since then she's had multiple affairs and just 3 months ago told her partner of 14 years she is leaving her for a patient. Oh my gosh, our jaw hit the floor. I cancelled the appointment.

Symptoms at 7 weeks 0 days: Breasts are EXTREMELY sore/tender. Thank goodness for compression  sports bras. My breasts are funny colors--purple/brown and veins are prominent. I'm nauseous anytime afternoon noon until bedtime. I have not thrown up, but it would feel better if I could. I have reflux/heartburn something awful. It doesn't matter how little/lot I eat, it's always there. I am trying not to eat too many Tums, but some days it's unavoidable. I am more than tired, exhausted actually. It hits by 5 pm everyday. The symptoms haven't eased up much at all. Some days are worse than others but they are there every single day.

I am going to make an OB appointment tomorrow and also find out if I need to continue progesterone and for how long. I probably won't have to go to the doc until after the first of the year. I'll be 9 or 10 weeks by then. *gulp*

So far my craving has been Subway meatball sub. Not sure if it's the salt or the sauce, but I think about that sauce/cheese taste a LOT. An aversion, surprisingly, is coffee. The thought of a mocha from 'Bucks is not appealing at all. Good for me!

Thankful Day 30

I am thankful for my background and upbringing. If I hadn't been born and raised where I was I would have never met my wife, most likely. I'm glad to be from a small town in a very rural area. It makes me appreciate the city and country more. Thank you small town USA.

Thankful Day 29

I am thankful for saltines and 7Up. I wish 7Up didn't have high fructose corn syrup in it. Both sooth my belly lately.

Thankful Day 28

I am thankful for Wednesday nights with my mother in law. We always have a good meal and visit with her. I'm so luck to have a supportive mother in law who loves us so much.

Thankful Day 27

I am thankful for locks. I feel safer with locks on the doors. I always said I'd never live in a house without a deadbolt. After getting broken in to in 2006 I like them even more. I still wonder what happened to my laptop they stole.

Thankful Day 26

I am thankful for crackers. Unsalted saltines. The nausea hits around 5:30 pm then again around 8:30 pm and it doesn't really end until I go to sleep. I haven't been sleeping well. I wonder if the waves of nausea come in the night but I just can't wake up enough to feel them.

When should I tell my parents? After the holidays? They'll still have 6+ months to get excited/upset.

Thankful Day 25

I am thankful for Christmas decorations. I love putting them up. I love playing Christmas music. I love the feeling I get. The ambiance it creates. I love thinking about giving. A house in our subdivision burned to the ground Fri night. I ran to wal-mart to buy the family some things. That's what Christmas is about...but I would do that any time of year. I'm buying a little girl some jewelry for a work Christmas giving tree. I can't wait to buy our tree, I love the way it makes our house smell. Thank you Christmas.

Thankful Day 24

I am thankful for old movies. I watched Pretty Woman last night before falling asleep. It is such a good feeling to see those old love stories. They just don't make classics like that anymore.

Thankful Day 23

I am thankful for my bed. It's king sized. It's warm. It has plenty of room. And this week with being SO TIRED, I'm super thankful I can fall into it at night and sleep. Although, I've missed my wife since she's been with her family for the holiday.

Week 4

Today I am officially 4 weeks into this creating life thing we're doing. We got a + on my birthday. I went to the bathroom around 0830 that morning and used the stick. The line showed up before the control line even did. I ran into the bedroom and woke my Wife and told her to go look in the bathroom. She screamed like I've never heard her before. We are both still in shock. It doesn't seem real yet, even with a few symptoms. 

I've had reflux, a few pimples-boob/back/face/neck (unusual for me), and I am extremely tired. About 3 pm every day I have shut down mentally and physically. That's tough since I don't get off work until 5:30 pm. I keep reminding myself they say to sleep now, while I can. I've had a few bouts with nausea. It comes/goes quickly, but it's noticeable. I'm also urinating frequently. I don't think it's more than normal because my bladder seems to be on the small side. 

I've had some days of irritability. Hopefully that passes as the hormones get settled into growing our bean. 

It's bizarre to call ourselves 4 weeks because all the baby calendars use your LMP (last menstrual period) even if you know your conceive date. 

Looks like the psychic might have been right after all, our due date is July 30. 

I am going to enjoy every single moment of this. Tiredness, nausea, growing belly, and anything else that comes along. 

Closing thoughts...

TWINS? 

We have our 6 week ultrasound Dec 6. We meet to interview an OB the following day. We have one other in mind, and we'll choose between the two. One is a male, one is a female. We've got what is important to us in our heads...hopefully one will be on board with it during labor.

Thankful Day 22

I am thankful for Thanksgiving. I had to work today then my parents came up for dinner at Cracker Barrel. I missed my Wife so much. I'm thankful this day. I'm thankful I had a job to go to. I'm thankful for the pilgrims and the indians. I'm thankful for education and learning. I'm thankful for new ideas. I'm thankful for cramps, tiredness, and new superficial veins. Thank you Thanksgiving for being so wonderful this year.

Thankful Day 21

I am thankful for my friends. I don't have a ton of close friends, and I don't really like a lot of people. But the few friends who I've surrounded myself with are SO great. Some are text-only friends. Some are social media friends. Some are miles apart friends. Some are the kind if we got together today it would be where we left off. I have friends I would like to see more often. Thank you for my FRIENDS.

Thankful Day 20

I am thankful for my cell phone. I use it for almost all of my communication. I love texting. I love having the internet close by. I love checking social media sites. I love tracking my fertility charts. I love new apps. I love my Starbucks app--decaf, of course. Yes, I know there is a slight amount of caffeine in decaf, but it's minimal. I love being able to check the weather on my phone. I also love using chat to talk to My Wife throughout the day.

Thankful Day 19

I am thankful for wine. I can't drink it much right now, but I still love it. I love how it tastes, and makes me feel after half a glass. Yummm....

Thankful Day 18

I am thankful for my birthday. I am thankful for pregnancy tests. I am thankful for LIFE. I am thankful for all my blessings. I am thankful for my Wife. I am thankful for my Pink concert tickets. I am thankful for Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I am thankful for fancy dinners. I am thankful for two lines. I am THANKFUL more today than I've ever been. 

Thankful Day 17

I am thankful for massages...that's one of my birthday presents from My Wife. It was a reiki massage. I don't know how it works, but it does!! 

We also had a wonderful night at the movies. We watched Skyfall. 

Tomorrow is the big day!!

Thankful Day 16

I am thankful for television. I love being entertained!!

Thankful Day 15

I am thankful that I am out. It was hard...it was the probably the second hardest thing I've done. I am proud but still shy about it sometimes. I wish guys didn't hit on me...but sometimes I'm glad they do. I've contemplated getting my hair cut to look more gay...but my Wife says no..it's not me. And it's not... love long hair. I just wish people could look at me and say "yeah, she's gay" but along with that would come looks of hate and judgement. 

I'm still thankful I don't have to hide who I am or who I love.

Thankful Day 14

I am thankful for my education. I'm so glad I went back to college and finished rad school. I did good for myself. I did the right thing. I am so glad I can work hard, make a decent living, and provide.

Thankful Day 13

I am thankful for warmth. I hate being cold. I love warm fuzzy blankets, heating pads, warm baths, and a warm body next to me.

Thankful Day 12

I am thankful for toilet paper!! I got food poisoning this weekend. It's been awful. I've gone through MANY rolls of TP. Thank goodness for it...what did people use before TP was invented? 

Thankful Day 11

I am thankful for our Veterans. My father was in the Army for 2 years, I am thankful for his service. I am thankful for all the men and women who give their lives for the cause of our nation. THANK YOU.

Thankful Day 10

I am thankful for down time with my Wife. Cuddle time. Love time. Lazy days. Lounging around. I love quiet moments with her. It's something money can't buy, and nothing can replace the feeling.

Thankful Day 9

I am thankful for Fridays. I always get excited when it gets close to 5:30 pm. It means my weekend has started. It means I get two days with my Wife. I love weekends!!

Thankful Day 8

I am thankful for my music...I couldn't live without it. It heals, it makes me dance, it makes me happy, it helps me when I'm sad. I love my XM subscription, too!!

Thankful November 7

I am thankful for my material possessions...my house, my car, my clothes, my toys, etc. I am blessed beyond belief. Some people can't rub two nickels together but I have things. Things don't always make me happy, but some days they do. I realize that life is about MORE than things, but we enjoy them and I am thankful to have them. 

Thank you for my THINGS!

Thankful November 6

I am thankful I can vote. I think everyone that's doing these "thankful" posts said the same thing. BUT I've got a little extra kick...we IUI'd today. We had our ultrasound this morning. This is our first (and hopefully only) medicated cycle. I had 5 measurable follicles, but only 2 BIG ones. 24.9 (right), 16.7 (right), 9.7 (right), 8.5 (left), 6.2 (left). We ran over to the docs office and she said we needed to IUI anytime. She gave me a trigger shot and I went to work.  As we left it we would IUI the next day, most likely. We tracked our dewar all day and it finally arrived around 2:15. My Wife called the docs office and asked if we could come IUI and they said if we come right NOW. I had a hunch this is what we should do. So...I left work at 3 pm and we IUI'd around 3:40 pm. I took the rest of the evening easy. We watched the election, we watched history. 

This morning my temperature SPIKED!! Looks like I ovulated right after we IUI'd!!! Those swimmers were right where they needed to be. Get this...my due date is July 30th if we get preggo this month...maybe the psychic isn't wrong afterall ?!?!?!

I felt good about the election, elated more like it. I was so glad our Prez won again. Good for women's rights, and good for marriage equality. Plus our IUI was a kick in the ass to Romney for what MY marriage is and what kind of FAMILY I am trying to create. Thank you America for making the right decision. Thank you for my ability to vote!! 

November 5 Thankfulness

I am thankful for food, especially desserts. I love eating, and I love food. I love my healthy shakes in the morning, I love my treats--candy, cakes, cookies, etc. They usually hurt my belly from the gluten intolerance, but I still love them.

I am thankful I can put three meals in my body every day. Some people can't...but I am blessed to eat healthy and hearty.

Thankful November 4

I am thankful for Brianne's family. 

They took me in instantly as if I was blood. They have loved me. They treat me as good as their own. I love that they have shown me what true family can be. Even amidst the disagreements, they still come together to love and share. It has been different with gram gone, but they still have something very special that is so rare. I love being a part of something big, almost too big. 

To her family...Thank you for loving me. 

Thankful November 3rd

I am thankful for my parents. We've had our disagreements over the years, but they are still my parents and I love them for all they've done for me. They have given me money when I didn't deserve it, and sometimes need it, but they've also bailed me out. When I lost my job 4 years ago they paid off my student loans. I am still very grateful for that.

I call my parents several times a week and don't take for granted I won't always be able to do that. I'm learning to let go of our disagreements and just enjoy that we are family and this is who I am blessed to have been born to.

I love my parents with all my heart, and thankful to still have both of them here.

Thankful November 2

November 2, 2012

I am thankful for my job. Some days I want to quit. Some days I want to go back to my old job. But, I love my job. I love my co workers. I love what I do. I love the patients I get to help. After losing my job in Sept 2008,  I realize how expendible I am. It's a privaledge to have a full time job with benefits. Thank you for my job.

Thankful November 1st

November 1st, 2012

   ***** Things I am thankful for *****


My Wife--She's my rock. I don't mean that cliche', but she is everything I would ever want in a spouse. In a life partner. She's the person I want to be standing next to when we're old. She's my oldest love, and it's pure, raw, and true.

6 time a failure

We aren't pregnant. The 6th try was a bust. The psychics are wrong. I'm done with psychics. We're moving on to a medicated cycle. I begin taking 2 pills of 2.5 mg Letrozole tomorrow. It's off-label, but found to be effective for stimulating follicle growth. It's actually prescribed for women in early stages of breast cancer. It shuts down estrogen in your body, which therefore stimulates FSH.

We're going back to our OLD donor who we used the first 3 cycles. We had one vial left...we'll give him a shot. It sucks for sibling purposes, unless we have twins. I'd love for our kids to be full siblings, but that's just not possible sometimes. Who knows, as hard as it's been to get pregnant, will we go thru this again?

I'm hoping November is "our" month and we get a + on the test. It would be an excellent birthday present, as me and my eggs turn another year older.

I'm hoping 7 is a lucky number.

Meditation

I purchased the Circle + Bloom IUI Mind-Body Program. It includes 18 guided meditations for producing a healthy egg and baby. I will listen to 15 minutes each day. So far, it's pretty incredible. I'm learning how what you think, whether reality or not, you can make happen with your mind. It's scientifically proven how the mind and body work together. We listened to the first session today...together. It relaxed me as much as anything else has. It put me in a MUCH more positive state of mind.

The progesterone has gone well. It's messy, but nothing unbearable. I insert the applicator and squeeze the bulb at the end. I've done this the past three night right before falling asleep. I usually urinate SEVERAL times while laying in bed before I go to sleep. This is forcing me to just lay there and not go to the bathroom once I inject it. Maybe it will break that horrible habit. So far, no side effects.

I've been kind of down...negative...fearful...questioning. I really think the Mind-Body Program is going to help with that. Fear creeps in very easily. I can't do anything about the future, I can only enjoy what is NOW. THIS IS NOW!! I will enjoy cycle day 3 as much as I possible can. I will enjoy knowing there is an egg and sperm inside me. There is a uterus inside of me. There is progesterone inside of me. That is known. That is for sure. My body has EVERYTHING is could possibly need to make our little baby. Thank you body. I am grateful for you. As much a I am grateful for the air I'm breathing...I am grateful for my body.

I talked with my Wife last night about my fears. I told her I need her to be supportive, more positive. She gets tired of me shooting her words down. I need her to bounce back and fight through all that.

We went to Oktoberfest...SO much fun. I needed the day out. Then we went to music in the park--even better!! The weather was perfect and unbeatable. Afterwards we ate at Outback using some giftcards we had. Sweet!! Then we went to the movies to see Taken 2. Great follow-up movie. They left room for a Taken 3.

10/11/12

We had our ultrasound yesterday, my follicle was 17.9 mm. We ran over to our doc's office to formulate a plan. She said we needed to IUI "tomorrow" 10/11/12. We loved the date. She gave me a Rx for a HCG shot. I called several pharmacies but no one here carries it, except ONE. I picked it up after work and about had a heart attack at the cost, $175. My insurance doesn't cover infertility, which is what that shot is classified as. We took the shot with us this morning and I got it in my right hip. My doc pinching my fat hurt more than the shot! ha

We had placed our order for the sperm to be delivered on 10/10 to the docs office. My doc called just before she left and said she hadn't rec'd it yet. Another lady from her office was going to stay about an hour later. She called and said she hadn't rec'd it yet, either. My Wife left work immediately and went to the docs office to intercept the UPS man. When she got to the elevator it opened and there stood OUR UPS guy!!! He walked her back upstairs where he left our box with another clinic down the hall. She brought the box home and we put it at the foot of our bed, where the crib will be. I talked to it a lot before I went to sleep, and I cried. Not sure why, but I did. I want this SO badly. I hope the universe can see that.

We IUI'd around 8:15 am. I got to work about 15 minutes late, no biggie. Our doc gave us progesterone (cronone) which I will take once daily as a vag suppository. Fun! I am worried about the side effects, but we'll see how my body responds. Droziness, enlarged breasts, and moodiness seem to be common themes from the medicine. I'll take it at night just before I go to bed.

Our donor # adds up to the number 22. We will test on 10/22. We IUI'd on 10/11/12. I am loving the numbers of this cycle. The psychic said she sees July...this month MUST be it!!!

Procedure

My sonohysterogram went well. I laid on the table and LIZ did a regular ultrasound to measure my endometrium and follicles. I have two good sized follicles that we'll check again next Wed. The doc came in and explained EVERYTHING she was going to do. First she put the speculum in and wiped my cervix. That tickled. Then she put beta-dine on my cervix to clean it. Next she showed me the long catheter she would introduce into my cervix and uterus. There was a balloon attached to the catheter She blew it up to show me how big it would get. She compared it to a 3 month old inside the womb. *gasp* She then introduced the catheter into my cervix and blew the balloon up. HOLY JESUS MOTHER OF GOD that hurt like HELL when she blew the balloon up. I clinched everything inside my body and grabbed my Wife's hand and squeezed hard. I said OHHH really loudly. The doctor assured me the pain would end in two seconds, and it did. She asked me to relax and let her know when I was relaxed. I did. She then shot air and saline into my fallopian tubes. They were CLEAR!!! Both of them!! She looked at the uterus more closely and noticed some "mucus" that she could not aspirate. She asked the ultrasonographer to see if there was any bloodflow, there wasn't. She said she was 90% certain it was mucous and not a polyp. She would let our doc that ordered the test make the call if she wanted a test with a scope. We got a GREAT report. I'm so glad to know we don't have any fallopian tube issues causing us any infertility.

Next will be our CD 15 ultrasound, next Wed. We will likely do a trigger shot and inseminate a day after. We're going to start progesterone. Initially the doctor said orally, but after researching, I want to do vaginally, and doc said she would prescribe whichever I wanted. That'll be a blog post all in itself I'm sure.

I emailed a psychic that my best friend has used. I asked if she did a mini-session or one-question readings. She replied she didn't. I told her in my original email I wanted to know when I was going to get pregnant. I emailed her back and told her I would keep her information but wouldn't be able to get a reading right now ($$). She replied that I would be pregnant soon, anyway. :) :)

My Wife had to sit down during my procedure. She got weak in the knees. I am not sure how she'll be in the delivery room. We have always had this thing when I hurt, she hurts, and vice versa.

The pain I felt when the doctor blew that balloon up fled as quickly as it came. I am wondering if that's how child birth is? You forget about it completely afterwards? I can't even recreate the sensation in my head that I felt...which is a good thing.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the insemination and testing that I forgot what the end result is going to be. What are we hoping for? Fighting for? Then I think about those sweet finger and toes....

I can't wait!!

Sonohysterogram

I'm going for a sonohysterogram today to check my fallopian tubes. They will use air/saline contrast agents to fill my uterus and fallopian tubes to look for any blockages. The test lasts about 20 minutes. I am going to take three ibuprofen, due to the cramping I may experience. I hate taking ibuprofen due to havoc it wreaks on your liver, but I can't work with severe cramps.

This I should tell the ultrasound tech to BLOW THEM BITCHES OUT?!?!?!

Short LP

We IUI'd, we went to the beach, there was magic in the sand and stars in the sky. We had a perfect week. We came home and Monday afternoon I had brownish cm. I went to acupuncture SO excited about the idea of implantation bleeding. She told me that didn't mean anything at this point but her fingers were crossed. Tuesday I had pink going on. Wed I had full blown Aunt Flo. I had a 28 day cycle (as always) but I ovulated on cycle day 18 which only gives me a 10 day luteal phase. NOT GOOD. Our doc won't be back until Oct 2 so we don't know the next course of action. I think I need progesterone. She might even order a sono-HSG. I'm fine with anything at this point.

Psychic still says she gets "JULY" which is also what another psychic had told us. That means we WILL get preg in October. I think my hopes are up higher than they've ever been for this month. How will I stay calm? How will I not get stressed?

We were so excited about implantation bleeding...we felt like moms instantly. It was a good feeling. I want it again, but I want it to be REAL.

Moving right along in this two week wait we are calling our lives. What would I be thinking about if we weren't trying for a baby? That's what I need to think about now. I need distractions. We're probably going to the winery this weekend. Sunday will be birthday dinner at the farm. I need a plan for Monday evening...then TUESDAY I will talk to the doc. I wish I didn't get so obsessed with things.

It's been a shitty day.

Good Night.

Magic Sand

I was so stressed at work last week that my follicle didn't grow as quickly as it normally does. That means two ultrasounds (13mm on CD14) vs one (16mm on CD16). We IUI'd today (CD18). We got a +OPK on Sat (CD17). It was faded the day before, and the day after (today). We caught it PERFECTLY. Now I pray my temperature rises tomorrow. We are heading to the beach later this week. I will be relaxed, even without the aide of alcohol. My hopes are up again. My sights are set high. I hope there is MAGIC SAND!!

I love you edemame (my Wife)...I love you baby.

More news 9/29

Is this getting as old for you as it is for me?

We didn't get a + AGAIN. My period was 2 days late, which actually just means my body gave me the appropriate 14 day luteal phase it needs. Thanks, body. I got a pimple...the kind you get when you're 16 and about to start your period. I never, I repeat, NEVER get pimples. What a mean thing to do to me. MEAN!! I had more symptoms this time of pregnancy than in previous attempts. The pimple being the main one, but irritability being another. I had a fall-apart about five days before I started my period. A serious fall apart. I convinced myself I wasn't gay (bi-sexual, lesbian whatever you want to call it). That I was (almost) 34 years old and wasted many years of my life when I should have married for money to a rich dude and had a house full of kids. Oh wait...that's not the life I wanted, nor is it the bed I have made. Crazy thoughts!! I had a pity party about my age...I am having a hard time dealing with the fact I am in my mid-30s and the gap is closing on being able to bear children. What have I been doing? Looking back at my photos it appears taking vacations and having fun. I don't regret it one minute at that point. Timing just stinks...I wish I could get some of my 20s back.

We are going in for our 5th round this week. Ultrasound Wednesday, hoping to IUI on Thurs/Friday. I began TCM Chinese Herbs (Golden Flower Chinese Herbs Noursih Essence Formula). I cannot find any substantial information about them online. You have to get them from a licensed acupuncturist. So far the only effect I see if my temp isn't as low as it has been (good thing!) and I am sleeping very solidly.

I had acupuncture Saturday. It was relaxing and rejuvenating, as always. We are going to watch my temps throughout my luteal phase and see if we need to change the herbs next cycle (if I'm not pregnant).

I wish I could get it OUT of my head that (psychic) Cheri22 gave us the month of July, and that Rebecca (psychic) also got the month of July. If July is the month, we won't get pregnant this month, but we would the next. It will just mean another month of disappointment and scratching our heads wondering if something is wrong. I have decided if we do not get pregnant after 6 attempts, I am going to request a fertility workup to check my hormones and possibly my fallopian tubes (I will SO dread that test!!)

We are going to the beach a few days after this IUI. My acupuncturist and reiki master have both told me there's "something" about going to the beach. I know they are being uplifting and supportive...but there is a part of me that truly hopes they are right. That the water offers a healing touch. My acupuncturist said she has 2 different clients that went to Hawaii and both came back pregnant.

I've got a book called Making Babies that suggests things that might be wrong. It suggests keeping my feet warm so I am going to wear socks around the house. I do seem cold all the time. It also mentioned putting a heating pad on my back/abdomen for 20 min a night on low/medium. I worry my progesterone is too low. Thinking about asking my doc if she wants to check it during my luteal phase.

OK...here we go...numero cinco!!

I Ovulated...

So...I was scared that I had already ovulated. My cm wasn't what I thought it should be, my temp had gone up .3-.4, I hadn't gotten a + on an OPK. What the hell?

We had our appt Thursday morning. Thank GOD my temp went down that morning--as my Wife felt it would. I told our doc I was afraid the timing was off. She looked at my cervix and said it was PERFECT. The cervix was open and there was plenty of cm. We popped open the cork so to speak on our new donor.

The doc plunged a drop of specimen onto a slide and viewed it under the microscope. She said they were swimming good and there were a lot of them. Yay! Our donor donated that specimen not even a year ago...I like that it's so "fresh". When my Wife went with our doc and her nurse to look at the microscope, the nurse had a hard time getting the drop on the glass. The doc took the pump of the syringe and was plunging it up and down towards the glass. The nurse said "oh you got some...you've done a hand job or two in your day" and started laughing. My Wife said "y'all ain't right!!" My doc is a lesbian...

I had to go to work after our IUI so I treated myself to a junky breakfast (McD's sausage/cheese biscuit and artificially colored Hi-C orange drink). I cramped off and on throughout the day but I was so busy I barely noticed. Thankfully I had grabbed a pad out of our doc's cabinet because I bled just slightly. I hate that wetness you get after an IUI.

My temp shot WAY up today (Friday) so I know I ovulated yesterday. Timing couldn't have been more perfect. We IUI'd at the same time I would have had sex, if we were a straight couple.

I'll be watching my temp for the next two weeks...(11 days) and praying it stays elevated beyond Aug 28th.

Cycle day off

Aunt Flo arrived at 10:30 pm...I called that cycle day 1. I should have called the following day cycle day 1. Anywho, we are one day early on our testing so looks like we will IUI on Thursday. We had an ultrasound today (CD13) and our little follicle measured 16 mm. We'll let it grow Tues (CD14) and Wed (CD15) then go in on Thursday (CD16) morning. We have always IUI'd in the afternoon so we'll try the morning this time. Our doc said if I get a + OPK on Tues we could bump it up to Wednesday if we want. We'll just have to wait and see. We have never IUI on CD 16. I think, according to my BBT, that is "THE DAY". I love you baby-baby...please come see us.

I went to acupuncture after the ultrasound. It was amazing again. SO relaxing! I am hoping it is promoting blood flow to my uterus, as described.

See you after Thursday!

Switching Donors

We aren't pregnant. I was convinced I was. It was CD 28 and it was 10 pm and Aunt Flo still hadn't arrived. It was going to happen. It was real. I had 4 psychics tell me either "July" or "you are pregnant". I was convinced. Pooey on them. And Pooey on Aunt Flo. I was sitting on the toilet, peeing on a stick, when there shot Aunt Flo like a cannonball out of a blaster. Ugh. We cried. It was hard to sleep. It was a mean, cruel joke she played on us. I had zero signs.

I cried the next day. I was so bummed. I didn't get to talk to our FNP until 5 pm that day. She made me feel some better, but not much. She said she would put us in the infertility category if we wanted, but that SHE didn't recommend it nor did she think that's where we should be. She said it is simply an exposure to sperm issue with as regular as my periods are. Her suggestion for Round 4...switch donors. She went back through our chart and said she had written LOW COUNT on try 1, GOOD COUNT LOW MOTILITY on try 2, and GOOD COUNT on try 3. She said we have tried him 3 times, it's time to have a talk with this fellah.

We took to our cryobank's website and began looking at our back-up choices. xxxx(5) sounded good, but so did xxxx (9). I like how 9 sounds because he is described as VERY good looking and has everything that goes with that--athletic and intelligent. When we originally picked out the donor we tried 9 was not available. He was still in quarantine. He is available now. He has a baby photo available but the Wife is not comfortable with that. I am trying to make her feel as much a part of this as possible. She we compromised and bought the long profile which will give detailed information. He has had 2 hospitalizations that I am hoping are outlined.

So we've got our ultrasound scheduled. I am lightly back on social media sites. I'm continuing acupuncture. I had another session Thursday. It was the best so far. I left SO relaxed and spirits lifted. My arms were tingling during the session and I got that very heavy, which I determined is a relaxed feeling. My entire body got chills, not hot or cold, just chills. Then went into a very warm sensation. So bizarre!! Not sure what all she's doing to me with those needles but I like it!! She used a LOT more on me this time. I go back the same day we ultrasound for another treatment. I suspect we will IUI the next day.

More news as it happens...

3rd time's a...

Charm? Baby? Baby Charm?? Ha!

We IUI'd again Wednesday at 1:30 pm. Our ultrasound was Monday, it showed a 18 mm follicle. Our FNP said to let it grow until Wednesday then we should be inseminating at the perfect time.

The previous weekend I had a reiki appointment, and acupuncture. I loved both.

The reiki was SO relaxing. The lady moved her hands on various parts of my body and channeled my energy. She used a chakra necklace type thing over each of the 7 chakras. I had told her I was told my sacral was closed. She said it was, along with my throat. After my reiki treatment she checked the closed chakras and they were both OPEN.

The acupuncture was not what I expected. The needles didn't hurt at all. The only one that did I told her it was burning and she tweaked it with just the slightest movement of her hand, the burning stopped immediately. I laid in the dark with some soft music playing. After about five minutes I began to feel extremely heavy. I moved my hands to make sure I wasn't paralyzed. I could move them but I was SO heavy. It continued through the entire treatment (30 min). The remainder of the evening, I felt very relaxed and light.

I have been listening to chakra and meditation music often. I still haven't logged back in to any social media sites. I do look at i-gram about once a day, but that is all. I downloaded some reiki/chakra music for our insemination. I found a lovely video that was 34 minutes long. Perfect for the 30 minutes of relaxing our doc requires after our IUI.

After our IUI the FNP said our swimmers looked good under the microscope. She did take a few minutes to say to us that our timing was great, our IUI went perfect, and that everything we did was right. She said it's out of all of our control now. I got tears in my eyes. I have SO much hope and faith and love for this baby.

I have been imagining a lot of light. Orange light around my sacral area, and white light around my entire body. I've tried to rid any negative energy I felt. I've had a watch over anything that came out of my mouth. I am trying to be aware of all energy around me.

Our next test date is July 31. I can't wait for Aunt Flo to NOT come visit for 9 months!!

Anti-Social-Networking

So I decided last weekend to delete FB and the Twit off my cell phone. I removed them from my Bookmark Bar at the top of Safari. I haven't been to the baby forums. I am spending each evening meditating/napping/relaxing for about 20-30 minutes. I am taking time for ME, removing any distractions.

I have a reiki appointment for Saturday, and an acupuncture treatment scheduled for Monday after our ultrasound. I must align. I must be centered. I must make sure every ounce of my being is ready for our baby. I feel there might be a hindrance. I want all possible blockages to be cleared.

We are going to my (ex) best friends tomorrow night. I want to hold her baby. I want to feel those little fingers and toes. I want to smell her and infuse her kindred spirit into my follicles.

Baby, we are ready for you. Come see us.

Monday is follicle ultrasound day. We'll probably IUI Tues/Wed or Wed/Thurs. We ordered two vials again. Our doctor did not have me top priority on the phone when I spoke with her Monday...I am hoping she can remove those distractions when we meet Monday.

I must be more positive and have more faith this WILL happen.

Not...AGAIN

We are not preggo, again. This was our 2nd attempt. We have 2 more vials from donor xxxx. We have thought about switching donors..but we have already paid for these 2 vials so all we have left is shipping costs. Not sure if they would buy them back because he is sold out and only has IVF vials left. Their website says they will not buy vials back if he is no longer available. We shall see...

Our Saturday

We saw where the Symmetry place was having free intuitive readings and massages so we got ready and went down. You know I am so apprehensive about that sort of thing, but find myself open and drawn to it at the same time. 

We walked in and saw the place was packed with people. We walked around the store then decided to ask what the deal was. The lady at the front desk told us there was mediums and/or clairvoyants in each room and we could talk to any of them we would like. There was a lady available in the front room at the time so I sat down and talked to her (Ruby). She held my hands and told me she saw money being an issue in my childhood, like it was a struggle. I told her no. She asked if money was discussed a lot and I said YES, to always save. I didn't really get much else from her, and she said my name wrong when I got up so I was like "eh, whatever." 

We went to the next room where there was a guy using Tarot cards. I told my Wife I wasn't comfortable with that because it seems "evil"--as that's how I was raised. She told me it wasn't evil...so we waited in line to speak with Randy. When I sat down he asked me to shuffle the cards until I felt comfortable. He turned the cards over and asked what my question was. I said "can you tell me anything about children?" He said "what about children?" and laughed. I asked if he saw me with any. He asked if I had any surgery maybe on my fallopian tubes. I told him no. He said it could mean something in the spiritual realm like I need to surround myself around babies more and get myself mentally prepared for motherhood. I asked if he could be more specific and tell me if I am pregnant NOW. He got goose bumps and said WOW...there's something there!! He turned over 3 more cards and said "2 of the 3 say YES". He then said I have a great light around me and my heart is full of love to give. I was happy with my reading. 

My Wife sat down for her reading...He asked if she had a specific question and she said no. He flipped the cards to see what they revealed. The first card he turned over was the Tower which he said was a phallic symbol and given the situation after just talking with me, that it was kind of funny but that it was turned upside down and that showed it was more of an internal symbol. Then he turned over more cards and his next question was "Tell me about your dad". My Wife said he had been deceased since 1993 and Randy got chills. He said his energy was all around my Wife. He asked if she had any specific questions to her dad because his presence was there. My Wife asked if he was happy. He responded with "very" and he had a big smile on his face. He added that he saw her dad rocking his arms were like a baby and that any disconnect she might feel about the baby she needed to let go and she would fall into her role perfectly. Randy said to her "he loves you very much" and Randy started CRYING!!!


Randy went on to confirm things about My Wife's personality that were spot on. It was so funny the ONE person I felt the most awkward about when we got there yesterday was the one who gave us the most peace.

We also met with a girl who does "writing readings". She wrote down a bunch of crap...we didn't think she was legit. She might be...but she could have written it down for anybody. It was nothing specific for us.


Several of the things Randy said to My Wife about her dad were the same things Rebecca had said to her, too. Very cool. 

Summer Solstice

Happy Summer Solstice...

We had our IUI today (1 of 2)...Everything went perfect. I held my fertility St. Gerard coin that my Wife got me. I laid on the table about 40 min afterwards with the light off. We came home and I took a nap. My throat was sore, but it feels better now.

Tomorrow is 2 of 2 IUI.

TTC #2

We went for our follicle ultrasound today. We measured 18.3. So...we'll be inseminating tomorrow and Thursday. Our doc says we HAVE to get pregnant this month because everything looks PERFECT.

As we were waiting to go in for our ultrasound, my Wife gave me a sweet note and medallion from one of the catholic saints. Saint Gerard...this was the prayer attached:


"For Motherhood
O good Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonderworker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God’s designs, help me to do the holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His Glory in the world to come. Amen."

Is it irony or my desperation, but we're most likely going to IUI on the first day of summer (Summer Solstice--linked to ancient fertility), find out if we are preggo on 4th of July (BOOM! BOOM!), and our clairvoyant told us she saw "JULY" as our month, and that our baby was VERY close.

PREVIOUS POST AGAIN:

Not sure why I feel compelled to write about this...but one of the students in the rad program last semester is in Ecuador right now. She held a fundraiser before she left to pay for her mission trip. I donated, along with a few others in our dept.

After she graduated college, she passed her boards and packed her bags. Before she flew out she sent those of us who had donated an email letting us know she designed a calendar and gave each of us a specific day/days that we helped support. She asked each of us to pray specifically on the date she assigned us for the work God is doing in Ecuador. I agreed to pray...and wished her well. I think she has an opportunity of a lifetime on her hands.

I realized this morning that the two days she assigned to me, and for me to pray, are the two days we will inseminate. Irony? Maybe it's God's way of guaranteeing I will pray. I told her I would go to the hospital chapel...so that's where I will be on the 20th/21st...praying for R in Ecuador, and praying for my follicles in my belly.

Oh and if that isn't enough, Sonic is having Sonic Summer Solstice 1/2 Price Shakes All Day, on June 20th.

Come see us, my little baby!!

Sign

Not sure why I feel compelled to write about this...but one of the students in the rad program last semester is in Ecuador right now. She held a fundraiser before she left to pay for her mission trip. I donated, along with a few others in our dept.

After she graduated college, she passed her boards and packed her bags. Before she flew out she sent those of us who had donated an email letting us know she designed a calendar and gave each of us a specific day/days that we helped support. She asked each of us to pray specifically on the date she assigned us for the work God is doing in Ecuador. I agreed to pray...and wished her well. I think she has an opportunity of a lifetime on her hands.

I realized this morning that the two days she assigned to me, and for me to pray, are the two days we will inseminate. Irony? Maybe it's God's way of guaranteeing I will pray. I told her I would go to the hospital chapel...so that's where I will be on the 20th/21st...praying for R in Ecuador, and praying for my follicles in my belly.

Round 2

I talked to our doc at length today about Round 2 IUI. She said she was very surprised we didn't have a BFP with Round 1 because our cycle was PERFECT. I am on a 28 day cycle, I can almost pinpoint the hour in which AF arrives. The doc says I don't have an infertility problem, I just need exposure to sperm. She said fertility drugs will likely mess me up since I do not have any issues. She said she wouldn't even recommend a trigger shot. She said fertility drugs could give me cysts then she would have to take me off the drugs and put me on birth control to get it out of my system. Then start over from day 1. She said for Round 2 she would recommend using two vials...but not at the same time. She will IUI one day and we'll come back the next day for the 2nd IUI.

AF is HORRIBLE this month. The worse cramps I've had in a very long time. Some clotting, too. I asked why AF was so much worse this time...she said my follicle may have burst (????)

We have our follicle ultrasound scheduled for 6/19 (CD13). SO EXCITED!!

13dpiui

I took a test on day 9. Too early, negative. I took a test on day 12 and 13, both were negative. It's not looking like the baby stuck.

I contacted our clairvoyant, she first said August in an email, then we called in to her radio show for a free reading 2 nights ago and she said she is now seeing July. When I took my test this morning and saw the negative, I spoke out loud to our baby. I was putting on my makeup and I said "Jackson, we are ready for you...baby boy". I immediately felt a peace come over me. One like I haven't felt in a long time. I was okay with the negative. I was okay with the outcome, no matter what. I am okay with a home pregnancy test that is wrong. I am okay with a home pregnancy test that is right. It's going to be OKAY no matter what. What a stress relief!! Even if I am pregnant now, the stress relief was worth it. If I'm not preggo, we will be next time. I'm not going to worry anymore.

At this point, we're waiting for AF, otherwise known as Aunt Flo. If she shows up, we'll know what to do. Make an appointment with our doc for an ultrasound 13-14 days after AF arrives. If AF doesn't show, I'll call our doc for a blood test Monday.

I'm going to take one more home pregnancy test Thursday am. I might as well use it, I've got it. There is about a 9% chance we would get a negative and still be preggo. Someone makes up that 9%, tho.

I called the cryobank today to let them know our doc said our vial was "okay" when she looked at a drop under the microscope. They want her to fill out a sheet telling what she saw and fax back to them. Not sure if she will do it, but maybe. I asked if we could use 2 vials next time, he said yes. We will mention that to our doc. Not sure if there is room enough for 2 vials in the uterus. We do NOT want to find a new donor at this point.

I had the following conversation with my former clinical instructor today, whom I haven't talked to in a very long time. The only thing she knew prior to this was we would be trying for babies this year:

S: U not pregnant r u?

Me: No!! Why??

S: I was watching a baby show

Me: And why did "I" come to your mind?

S: I don't know. It's weird. But u did. So be ready when you start trying cause its going to work.
Actually I been thinking that all day. Kinda weird.

Me: Wow!! Your text made me feel warm and fuzzy. I hope it works and you are right!!
Very strange but very timely. Are you a psychic?

S: Have u tried yet. I'm telling u its a strong feeling.

Me: Can you keep a secret?

S: of course

Me: We did try this month for the first time. Doesn't look like its a positive but I had such a peace come over me this morning, so either I am preg and those home tests are wrong or its going to work when we try in June. It's bizarre you texting me about it today. Of all days.

S: Holy Moly. That's when I started feeling it. It's strong.

Me: Do you do this often? Get strong feelings?

S: U know a lot of my feelings come true.

Me: I thought I remembered you doing this before

S: Only sometimes. Its just weird. Certain people like Renee.

Me: Did you predict her pregnancy?

S: I knew and told her she would have section and not to be scared. Knew Tonya would be sectioned.

Me: Dang!! You should open a psychic business. I have consulted one over the past year. I love it! They aren't evil or from the devil. They really know stuff.

S: I just felt I should tell you I had a strong feeling about u and this pregnancy thing. I may be wrong but its fixing to happen.

Me: Thank you....I really appreciate you going on your hunch. MADE MY DAY. I can't wait to get home and tell My Wife.

S: Ur Welcome

I sent our clairvoyant an email to tell her about these texts...this was her reply:

Thanks for checking in! I am so glad to hear you are feeling peaceful about this; he is on his way if he isn't in there already. And, remember, you can have false positive and negatives.

By the way, if you are a fruit loop, i can't even imagine what that would make me!!!!!

Anyway, take care, have fun and keep me posted!! And call in or listen to the radio show any time you like 

xo

We had our follow up ultrasound 5/23. Our little follicle had grown so much!! The mean size had grown to 17.5. Our NP said to let it grow again overnight then we would IUI Thursday morning. We set our appointment for 0830.

We set the alarm for 0645. I woke up before that. It seemed like the minute the sun rose, I was awake. We got ready and went to the office. When we arrived another couple was at the window, and I saw another box sitting next to ours. One of the girls had a helmet in her hand. Did she ride a bike to the ob/gyn? We all waited in the waiting room for the NP to arrive. Soon after, the nurse came to the door and put the other couple in an exam room, and us in the one next door.

The NP opened our box and asked me to get her 12-15 paper towels. She opened the dewar and pulled up the vial. She took it off the metal clip and put it in the paper towels and handed it to my Wife and told her to hang on to it until it was liquid. WOW! I was thrilled my Wife got to be such a HUGE part of the process. The NP left the room for about 15 min. I got undressed and took pics of the vial when my Wife would check it.

The NP came in and asked me to lay back. She put gloves on, got the speculum out, and put it in. She got what looked like a 3 cc vial and sucked up the liquid out of the vial then attached a 3.5 french catheter. She pulled about 1 cc of air in the back end of the syringe to make sure it was all out of the catheter.

She said here we go...she inserted the catheter into my cervix. She immediately began saying how everything looked great and then said my cervical mucus was PERFECT. She asked my Wife to come around and look. She pointed to what must have appeared shiny. She slowly injected the sperm then sat there for a moment with everything in. She slowly took the catheter out then the speculum. The told me to close my legs, keep my head down, and lay there for 30 min. The NP said she was going to look under the microscope at our sample and asked my Wife if she'd like to go, too. Of course she did!!

When she came back she said it looked okay. I said "just okay?" She said "yeah, I've seen worse, but I've seen better". It was a little disappointing, but she told me not to focus on it. My Wife had created a IUI playlist so she put ear buds in my ear and I listened to that while they were gone, then when my Wife came back I asked her to come close and she listened with the other ear bud. We were wishing the fluorescent lights weren't on, but oh well.

30 minutes passed and the NP came in to let us know we could leave. We headed out the door. I stopped by the restroom on the way out of the building. I had a huge wet spot in my panties. When I came out, my Wife realized she forgot her cell in the office so she ran back to get it. Along the way she saw our NP who was leaving for the day. I stopped her quickly and asked her if the wetness was normal, she assured me it was. She said the sperm know where to go and stay there.

We went to the UPS store and dropped off the dewar that is shipped back to the cryobank. We went home and laid down. We ended up falling asleep for 4 (yikes!!) hours. The sleep was so restful, and peaceful. When we woke we laid outside for a few minutes but it was too hot. We went inside and watched our favorite documentary "The Great Sperm Race". It's a 60 min look at the path sperm takes to get to an egg and fertilize it. It's put into a life sized storyline. It's one of the best documentaries I've ever watched. Love it!!

I've had cramps most all day. My left ovary has had some twinges. Some pressure in my abdomen. I've had a headache but not sure if that is from sleeping too long. I drank a lot of water when I got up hoping that would help.

I go back to work tomorrow. It's going to be strange thinking about the possibility of walking around preggo!!

I sent our clairvoyant a message asking her to send us good fertility thoughts and if she saw anything to let me know. She wrote back tonight that she sees 2. GULP!!!! I told her I hope she is seeing 1 for now and 1 for later. Ha!! But my grandfather was a twin...so it could easily happen. I would be fine with twins...except financially. Not sure what we would do, but I suppose it would work itself out.

If I did conceive today our due date is Feb 15, 2013.

I am so happy with how involved our NP wanted my Wife to be. I loved that. My Wife has been so good to me...she cooked me dinner, babied me all day, and tended to any needs. She has constantly asked how I'm doing. I love the attention. Super sweet. I love her so much and am so happy we have decided to do this together.

Cheers to IUI and here's hoping it worked!! I feel it did....I FEEL pregnant.

Ultrasound and Dewar

We had our CD11 ultrasound today. My left ovary appears to have a dominant follicle of 13 mm. We went to the NP's office after the ultrasound to get our report. She wants us to come back Wednesday for a 2nd ultrasound. I wish I could eat something to make my follicle grow!! Our NP is going out of town on Thursday afternoon for the holiday weekend so here's hoping it grows a lot in the next 3 days.

As we were waiting to see the NP, the UPS man delivered our dewar!! 

More updates to follow on Wednesday....

Order Placed

I plan to frame the invoice. We ordered our vial. This is the first month of TTC. Donor #xxxx. He sounds beautiful. I know our baby will be, too. Our ultrasound is scheduled for 5/21 @ 11:30. They will check my follicle size, and endometrial lining. Depending on those #'s is when we will inseminate. I am hoping it will be Tuesday or Wednesday. The dewar will be delivered Monday, and we have access to it for 7 days. Since Memorial Day falls in that 7 days, we actually have 8 days. The vial is guaranteed for 7, tho.

I am so excited. Is that the right word? Not really. It's surreal. It doesn't seem 100% real just yet. Maybe it will Monday. I have a calm about it I didn't expect. I am usually lying awake at night when I worry. I haven't. Everything has fallen into place... especially aunt Flo's arrival. She came on the PERFECT date. Who knew I'd be wanting to see her so badly?

I can see him, feel him, and almost sense his presence already. He is still just a follicle...nothing even remotely close to fertilized. But he is there...I just know it.

This time next week I could potentially be a mommy.

WOW

Nervous

Aunt Flo is supposed to visit this Thursday. When I think about it, I get butterflies in my stomach. When AF shows up, I am to call our nurse practitioner and she will schedule our ultrasound. She had mentioned CD 10 or 11. Well both of those days fall on a weekend, AND we are out of town. We could have an ultrasound on CD 9, or wait until CD 12. I am going to rely on the expert, but I REALLY am not liking giving someone else the control.

I am about to burst at the seams. I am scared to death but in a good way. It's the biggest decision I've ever made in my life. It's been a little tense around here for the past few days. The mother in law moved out this weekend. It was time. The constant butterflies in my stomach make me even more anxious that I'm not going to get a visit from AF on Thursday. I hope it doesn't come sooner...but if it comes later maybe it will be Friday. That would make my CD 11 on Monday.

I've never wanted a visit from Aunt Flo so much in my life. I'm on pins and needles to see her. It could potentially be the last time I see her for 9-10 months!!

Now...the Biebs is on the Voice. I'm going to watch. I wish we could get a donor that looks like him, if he were about a foot taller. 

1 year anniversary

We flew to NYC for our 1 year anniversary. Quick documentation:

Friday--get up at 3:55 am. Fly to LGA. Check-in at hotel and check our luggage at baggage counter. Grab a hot dog and italian sausage from a street vendor ($16 yikes!) and head to the subway. Go south to the Museum of Sex. HOLY SMOKES--that was a cool museum. So much info!! Went into basement for a drink and chocolate. Fun.

Went to Little Italy. Ate late lunch. Not very good. Went to Ferrara's for cafe mocha/latte and sample desserts. WOW. Some of the best italian desserts I've had. Napoleon was our favorite. Went to Chinatown. Bargained about purses. Went into back alley shop...didn't have what we were looking for but sure felt like we were doing something illegal--especially when they pulled back the black curtains in the "nail salon".

Caught the subway to the Stanton Island Ferry. Rode over at sunset. Got beautiful pics of the state of Liberty. Gorgeous. Stayed at Stanton Island about an hour in the terminal then rode back over to Manhattan and saw the skyline at dark. The new world trade building is breathtaking. So beautiful, and so many emotions.

Tried to find the right bus out of Stanton station...talked to a cop who led us in right direction. We missed bus time and another wouldn't arrive for 20 min. Took taxi to the Stanton Social. 2nd HOLY SMOKES this was delicious. We had drinks upstairs before we were seated. So trendy and I didn't feel dressed appropriately, but my Wife didn't mind. We were seated then ate some of the best food ever. Tuna, pierogis, cashew chicken rolls, and kobe philly cheesesteak. Dessert was doughnuts with three dipping sauces. They brought us champagne for our anniversary, and a cupcake with dessert. So sweet.

We got back to the hotel late...got to our room and they had assigned us 2 double beds. Not working. Went back downstairs for a king bed. Key card didn't work. I sat at door of hotel, my Wife went downstairs to discuss. She came back with key that words. Fell asleep QUICKLY...very long day.

Set 9 am wake-up call. Ordered room service coffee/mocha. I surprised my Wife and brought a BITE of our wedding cake. She loved it. Got ready and went to NBC experience store. Walked to Central Park. Had a wonderful time watching people. Rented a paddle boat and floated for an hour. PERFECT. Loved this a lot. Walked back to hotel, stopped in bar for a drink to take upstairs for getting ready. Opened our gifts to each other for our 1 year anniversary. She gave me a sweatshirt I had been DYING for since last year. I.LOVE.IT!! Before we went to NYC she had given me my main gift--a canvas of my favorite wedding photo and a card that made me cry. I LOVE it SO much!!!

We were hurried to get ready...made it to the Brasserie on time. Had dinner--escargot, french onion soup, scallops, and steak. We walked to Times Square before cutting over to our play. We saw the Book of Mormon. HILARIOUS!!! Not for the faint of heart---such a religious satire. Afterwards we walked through Hell's Kitchen. Walked to the Yotel--the place was dead. I drank some water then we walked to the XL Club. It's attached to the new hotel called the Out--they deem themselves straight-friendly. We were told to get in line and have our ID's ready. As we approached the bouncer/security checking ID's he asked how many were in our party. We said two. He said he was sorry but on Sat nights we must have a male escort to enter. WTF???? We couldn't believe what we were hearing...AT A GAY BAR!!! We turned away and even had another security guy shaking his head in disbelief. A woman stopped us just a few feet away and asked what just happened. She said she lived just down the street and had been wanting to go to the bar. After we told her what had just happened, she couldn't believe it. She was shocked. I tweeted Chely Wright about it, and she retweeted it to her 27K+ followers. I had four others retweet it. Such discrimination. I hear that the women bars sometimes do the same thing in NYC. Crazy!

We finally gave up and went back to our hotel room. Got a drink at the bar then went up to our room for some sweet time.

Sunday morning we were so tired but we got up and got ready. We headed down to Ess-A-Bagel and got some DELICIOUS bagels (cheddar cream cheese for my Wife, and cream cheese lox for me + a chocolate cream cheese to share) Lovely. We walked to Times Square and took in all it has to offer. There were SO many people!! I've never seen it so packed. We saw the Naked Cowboy!!! We grabbed a passion lemonade at Starbucks and headed back to our hotel to get our bags and leave for the airport.

We had a layover going and coming in Baltimore.

I cannot thank my mother in law enough for this perfect two day trip. We are so blessed to have her support, love, and desire to see us happy. We spent more than we intended to, but we are both so very grateful.

Happy 1 year anniversary to us!!

2 Months

Has it really been 2 months since I've written anything down?

Let's see...

I am SO ready to be pregnant and have a baby. I think about it each day. I go to work for him/her five days a week. I lay in bed thinking about nursery colors and feeding our baby natural foods.

We are considering a Vitamix. I wonder if we would actually use it. Would it be worth the investment?

We have overhauled our financed. My Wife made a handy dandy excel spreadsheet and color coded different types of spending. She's smart like that. So organized! I think this will help greatly. Our finances are not what they were...I took a pretty good pay cut by going to the hospital full time. But it will be worth it with paid maternity leave, vacation, and insurance benefits.

I mentioned to my mom we're thinking about having kids. She asked if I had gone to the doctor to get everything checked out. I told her I had. She replied with "time will tell". I told her I would need to have a book handy because I didn't know anything about kids. She said she relied on the baby's 1st year book a lot after she had me because so much had changed between my sister being born and me. I told her I wished she lived closer so she could nanny...she said she would just have to nanny from afar. I have been trying to think of a good way to tell them when we're pregnant. My sister sent her an e-card...and got no response. When my sister finally called mom a few days later to ask if she got the e-card. Mom replied with "yes", and left it at that. She was not excited about the situation my sister had put herself in.

I'd like to lose about 5 more lbs before getting pregnant. Hope I can make that happen.

I started taking Barlean's fish oil swirl (mango flavor) this week. I read where it's great for women's hormones and health. Maybe it will help us conceive!!

It's about time to start picking out our donor. We have picked out our sperm bank. I think we're going to each go thru the donors and narrow it down to our top 5, then bring our lists together and go from there.

Another Reading

My Wife got me another reading with our clairvoyant back in November for my birthday. It was difficult to schedule a session over the holidays so we booked it for Jan 3, 7 pm. We were 1 hr late getting to talk--she forgot I am two hours ahead of her, rather than one. No big shakes.

We exchanged pleasantries then she asked if I wanted to ask any questions or just see what happens. I went with the latter. She immediately said "Are you and your Wife going to get pregnant in 2012?" I confirmed we ARE planning to try. She said "you're going to have a baby in March of 2013". WOW!! That would put it exactly in line with us conceiving in May 2012, our PLAN!! She then said if it's not March it will be in the first six months of the year, spring/early summer. She said we'll have a boy and he has dark hair. I have always felt I will have a boy, and we're shopping for dark haired donors. She said we will have a girl 2 to 3 years after our boy. She told me I will have a lot of vomiting and morning sickness with my pregnancy. She also said I should drink red raspberry leaf tea.

I asked about my Wife's father. She said he is proud of me, and even more proud of my Wife. He said he had worried she would not find someone to love her the way she deserves, and he was so happy. He said no one has ever loved her the way I do. WOW, I started getting tears in my eyes. I asked her if she could tell him something for me? She said I could tell him, but she can, too. I asked her to tell him I am so glad he had such a wonderful daughter and I wish I had known him. She said he is in a good place, he is getting to do what he loves. She asked if he was an outdoorsman, I confirmed. She brought up something about a dog. She said if it was a yorkie, I said yes. She asked the dogs name, I told her Baby. She said my Wife's dad was laughing and said what kind of name is that? She said he is a jokester. She mentioned my Wife's sister (who has also passed away). She pretty much told me the same things she had in a previous reading about her.

I asked about my parents. She asked their names and then asked if my dad was retired. I told her yes. She asked about my mom's health. I told her at the last reading she mentioned my moms heart and I had mentioned it to my mom. She said it didn't necessarily mean it was physical, but could be a sadness. I asked about my aunt (mom's youngest sister). She said she won't survive this (brain cancer) and has already decided in her head not to fight, she has accepted what will be will be. She asked about her husband, and said they are not emotionally connected, and has already checked out. I wasn't surprised at any of that. She said my mom feels guilty it's not her with the brain tumor instead...not surprising either.

I asked about my sister--she said she is full of judgement and some jealousy. She said when you get that combination it's not good. She didn't give me any hope that she will change. She asked if she was a fundamentalist Christian, I confirmed. She said she has bought into the religion and has a lot of confusion about her own beliefs. She said she struggles with her own self.

I asked my niece...she said she's VERY smart. She said she could be the president of the united states if she wanted to be, highly intelligent. She said she is withdrawing from her parents because her parents fight a lot. She said my niece trusts me and needs to know she can talk to me about anything. I said I hope she doesn't grow up to be as judgmental as her mother, the clairvoyant said my niece is already starting to question what her parents are teaching her.

We talked about the baby some more. I asked about my job, she said I'm good on my job and not to worry about anything. She told me to quit worrying about so much, to try to relax. We talked about the baby yet again. I asked about our finances, she said everything is fine there.

I LOVED this birthday gift from my wife. I wish I could talk to the clairvoyant every day!! I enjoyed the reading, and look forward to getting to talk to her again. Her prices have gone up so I'm not real sure when that might happen, but she made me even less of a skeptic this time. She is RIGHT ON with so many things.