Christmas

This was the best Christmas I have ever had. There were no scrooge comments. No eye rolls when I wanted to play Christmas tunes on the radio. No bah-humbugs. No huffs about having to spend time with my family. No comments about how I will never be treated better by anyone. No, not one.

We opened Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve's Eve. She did very well on my gifts. Got me a lot of wonderful things, but the best present was her. Just having her at home with me meant more than anything she could have ever bought me. She loved the gifts I got her, too. She seemed to enjoy getting spoiled. I loved buying her things.

We drove to the western part of the state on Christmas Eve. I dropped her off with her mom to go shopping while I went to my parents for the afternoon. I began to get teary eyed on the drive, thinking about having to go alone. How sad it made me. How my parents don't accept her, or us. It's tough. I don't think it will get any easier, but her family makes up for it. They are so wonderful and accepting. They embrace me, and make me feel welcome. Even more-so than my family. Her grandparents gave me money for Christmas, something I was NOT expecting. Her mom got me John Mayer tickets, SO EXCITED!!!

We came home Christmas Eve, and her aunt joined us. We offered to bring a family member home from the hospital for the day. We spent Christmas day until Sunday night with her family. Christmas brunch was delicious. Gifts were randomly passed out. Everyone enjoyed spending time with one another. I cannot even put down into words what a wonderful time I had. The love her family holds is unmeasurable.

Saturday we slept late then went to the cabin to turn the heat on so we could sleep there later. Saturday night we went to the little hole in the wall marina/bar where we often hang out. We had karaoke night. What fun!! Singing, dancing, and drinking the night away.

Sunday we slept in very late then lounged around her grandparents house until time to go to the funeral home of a distant family member. Afterwards we headed home and have spent the entire day together, today. I wish I could express the feeling in my heart. The fullness I feel. The happiness. The giddiness.

We are going to her aunts for NYE. I'm so excited to finally have someone that wants to DO something on NYE. I didn't want to go to a bar, but at least I won't be watching HIM play his stupid games across the room and wish I had somewhere to go all night. I am SO glad I am not with him anymore. He doesn't even cross my mine everyday. When I left the ex husband, I still thought of him alot. Not this time.

Speaking of the ex husband. I saw where he got engaged for Christmas. I truly am happy for him, and her. I hope she is all he ever needs or wants, but more vice versa. I hope she doesn't grow restless like I did. I hope she is always honest with him and respects him.

I had the best Christmas, ever. I am looking forward to 2010 and what it has to hold. Life has never been better.

From Thanksgiving weekend

He said she not only believed in God but believed in them. Meaning the kids and grandkids. I wish my parents believed in me. I wish they were open to new ideas. I wish their home was always open and welcomed anyone, anytime. Its not that way, nor will it ever be. I sometimes think I want to go ahead and have kids so them knowing about me and my girl will be out of the way. I love my girl and crave her. I need her constant attention. She will tell me she needs attention and I love it. Dickweed would never let me ask for attention. He told me to quit being so needy. He would never lay in bed in the mornings and just hold me. He complained about having to talk to me at night before going to sleep. He would say "the bed is for sleeping". He didn't believe in quiet time. He had no emotions. How did I stay with him as long as I did? Why? I am asking myself that more and more. Out of convienience I suppose is why I didn't leave beforehand. He sent me a goodbye email for my bday of all days. The most important day of the year to me. The best birthday I have ever had he tried to fuck up. I didn't let that happen. He has NO control any longer. And its killing him. Its been 4 months and he still hasn't moved on. I'm so in love with HER. Nothing else matters. I will do anything in the world for her even if that includes waking up Christmas am w/ her and her family. I don't necissarily want to spend Christmas Eve @ home alone but I am going to want some alone time w/ her to open gifts between just us. Family is important to her on Christmas. I will do whatever she wants. I plan to have Christmas with my family

Happy

I know neither of us has ever been this happy before, otherwise we would still be in that relationship--it would be too perfect to let go. Life gets better everyday....we are just pitiful. It's so sweet and mushy tho. I love being this in love.

I want to get tattoos soon.

I cannot wait for the holidays with her. It's going to be so much fun!!

Text Message Received 11/3/09

After I left for work this morning I received the following text message....

"I am more in love with you than I knew was possible, when I fall asleep YOU are on my mind, when I dream it is YOU I search for, when I wake up YOU are the first thing that fills my thoughts. You are my best friend, the one that makes me laugh, the oone that fills me with pure happiness. You are my true love, my soul mate, the ONE I long for when not in your presence. You have my heart for this lifetime and all the others to follow. I want an eternity with YOU. I will never stop loving you...I will only love you more. You are my future and I belong to you."

She honestly takes my breath away. I cannot live without her. She is my life. My World. I've made her the center of everything. I never knew love could be like this. I never knew life could be this fulfilled. I have never felt these feelings before. I never knew they existed. It's so deep. So connected. Almost in a eerie kind of way sometimes. It's like I can feel her soul by looking into her eyes. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone. They don't even compare. She is amazing. I don't know how many more butterflies my stomach can handle, but they never end. I love living together. She makes home the best place in the world to be.

I have a business trip next week in SF. She is going with me. So excited!!

you know

You know its love when you have no desire to call Dr Navy. He never crosses my mind anymore. I don't want to talk to him for the first time in my life. I don't care what my ex husband is doing. I used to be so obsessed with trying to find out what his girlfriend is doing. She asked me not to look @ her myspace and I haven't. I always thought that would be a part of my daily routine, now I don't miss it. She's so good for me. I wish my mother wasn't around more and more. I wish that part of my life were more simple. Maybe someday. I think it would be easier to miss my mother than to live with her fundamentalist views being pushed down my throat. I'm completely in love with my girl. She's my everything. I want her to be my wife. I want babies with her. God I love you.

Life

Life is Good...it could probably be better, but I don't know how. It seems to get that way with each passing day. She makes me feel complete and whole and happier than I've ever been. I never get to spend enough time with her, hold her long enough, or kiss her sweet lips. It's never enough. I have a lifetime, tho. I keep reminding myself she isn't going anywhere.

I cannot quit thinking about having children with her. It consumes my mind. Not so much the actual child, just the sharing of something so intimate. We even talked about taking her egg and putting it in me and fertilizing with the sperm. It would cost more but I think it would be awesome. We had a wonderful weekend together. It didn't last long enough. Who knew sharing tater tots at Sonic could make someone so happy. I love everything we share. The laughter is endless and the intimate moments are one after another. I enjoy just laying in bed holding each other. I've never had someone who could do that. I've never loved someone as much as I love her. I don't think I even had most of these feelings for anyone else. I'm so unselfish when it comes to her, which is SO unlike me. I've always put myself first. After my divorce I told myself it would be about ME from now on. Not so. Its about HER. There are so many things I want to do with her, and places I want to go with her. The more I am away from the ex the more I realize how mean he was to me. I want to blame it on the fact he didn't know any better. He never had anyone show him a nicer way. At this point he isn't doing anything to remain friends. But I have come to the conclusion I don't want to be friends with him. He wouldn't enrich my life. He has nothing to offer me on any level now. She doesn't encourage or discourage anything with him. She just listens, which in itself is amazing. The ex never would just sit and listen. He would offer advice and then tell me I needed to listen to what he says. Dammit why didn't he just keep his mouth shut and listen? Oh well...its water under the bridge. I love being with a girl far more than a guy. From the fact when my boobs are sore she knows exactly what I'm feeling to the emotional aspect of not having to say a word when I have a bad day, or she will stay up til two in the morning just listening if I need to. And sex is by far 200 percent better!! She knows exactly where to touch and what to do. Men spend too much time trying to find the right spot or don't give a shit and think about their dick the entire time. She's amazing. She's incredible. She makes me feel everything I've always wanted to feel in a relationship. She told me I am her soul mate and that she never believed in those before me. She takes my breath away. I love the way she kisses me. I had a friend recently text me asking if my girl had gotten a job yet. When I told her I didn't want her to work she asked why. I told her that I enjoyed having her at home. She questioned my motives as to whether I was afraid she would meet someone else. I suppose it is a fear. It would destroy me if she left me for someone else. I can't say I'd do anything stupid but gosh I can see myself shutting down. It would be the worse thing to happen to me. I can't even entertain the thought. I trust her completely, which isn't a typical trait of mine. But its easier to trust her more than anyone else I've ever been with. She tells me I'm the best and most she's ever been with I suppose when she compares...but I wish I had a better perspective. It doesn't matter tho because she makes me feel like no one even compares to me. I'm in a good spot in life. I'm in a good spot with her. I'm truely happy.

Back from vacay...

How she always gives the right answers I will never know. I don't guess I have had enough relationships to know if its "ok" to compare or not but I can't help but compare her to my last relationship most of all. Some of the exact same situations will arise and the answers HE gave were cruel or smart assy or not understanding. Her responses make me smile, melt, and get weak in the knees. He and I used to sleep in the same bed all night until his snoring got worse. If I would wake him up I was chastised either then or the next morning for waking him up. He wouldn't allow me to wake him up...he said there wasn't any use in two people losing sleep. I also have a bad habit of popping my jaw where my TMJs hurt...he never would allow me to pop my jaw near him. I would get up and leave the room if I needed to pop my jaw. Coincidentally she has the same issue. She would never ask me not to pop my jaw--. Sometimes when I ask her if certain things bother her that I do she looks at me as if I am insane. And in my mind I'm thinking DAMN...I'm not gonna get bitched out or made to feel like shit for thinking a certain way or doing things a certain way. No matter what I say or do, its "okay" with her. There are no rules. No manerisms I am required to change to be around her. I can be myself and there is such a release and freedom in that.she doesn't even care if I don't shave my legs!! The ex would never let me throw my legs on him if they weren't freshly shaven. And she will kiss first thing in the morning if we haven't brushed our teeth. Gross? I honestly don't care. We were laying in bed one night at the beach and she snuggled up behind me and whispered "marry me" in my ear. When I think about that moment I lose my breath. I have never wanted to marry...and now she is who I want to be with forver and I feel like I want to make it ceremonial. We were sitting on the beach the night before we left and I started feeling emotional. So much so that I began to cry. She never said a word and just hugged me. Exactly what I needed. I was crying for several reasons...I didn't want to leave the beach, I was thinking about how unsupportive my parents are, and I was also thinking about how much she loves me. No one has ever loved me like she does. I think I was loved to the best of their ability but no one ever connected the way she does.I can honestly say I love her more than anyone in the world. She treats me so well, and respectfully. She enjoys doing things for me...cooking dinner, cleaning house, pumping my fuel , etc. It makes me feel a little helpless but she seems to get offended when I don't let her do things for me. I suppose if I were to compare again...she does "little things"to show she loves me rather than buying me things, like he did.I love doing things for her, too. When I see that smile of hers like I did when we rented that Jeep, my heart simply melts. I dont want to get in a habit of spending money to get that...because I can look at her with wanting eyes and get the same smile. I love looking at her. She's so beautiful. When she throws that ball cap on and gives me a "look" I would do anything she asked...ANYTHING. I am enjoying my life...it feels complete.

Trip

We're going to take a little trip down to Flo-Rida. Her cousin is still in critical condition, but it sounds like they are just going to observe her output for 3-4 days while cultures run in the lab. They cannot pinpoint where her infection is coming from. It's so sad. This is supposed to be a happy time with a new baby and pink everywhere. Instead this family is sitting in the ICU waiting room hoping she gets better.

I'm looking forward to getting away. It will bring us together, closer, even tho I wonder how that's possible. Laying on the beach listening to our iPod...can't get much better. Plus one day at U.S. with roller coasters will be fabulous!!

We're going to meet up with two other bloggers. Both I have met once before. Fun, Fun!!!

See you when I return.

Trying

Her cousin went into hospital for planned csection now she is laying in an ICU. The doctor perforated her bowel and she has infection throughout her abdomen. My girl and I have stayed at the hospital a lot. It has been a little trying because its not what I imagined for our first couple of weeks after she moved home. I'm so selfish that way. But we have done VERY well. I've been there for her when the family received not so great news. We have eaten out a lot and even spent the night together in the waiting room at the hospital. We end up having a great time together no matter the circumstances. I would say this has brought us as close together as anything could. It also allows me to get closer to her family, which I love!! They are so loving and accepting and take you in. My girl makes me feel so special and loved. Such an awesome feeling. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. I can say or blurt anything out of my mouth and she never chastises me or makes me feel like I'm doing anything wrong. I wake up everyday and wonder if my life is real. I ask myself when is she going to change her mind about me? She's too good to be true. We are always talking about matching tattoos. I'd like to come up with something unique, but meaningful. I want something that's exclusive to us. I am thinking about my left wrist where my watch would hide it. Or my foot. I can't decide. I never thought I'd put someones name on my body but I would love to entertwine our monogram together. I'm working on getting my name changed--going back to maiden name. I'm falling more and more in love with her everyday.

Things I Like

The fact that she doesn't like country music but she will go to a country concert with me because she knows "I" will enjoy it. She likes to be outdoors. She is self sufficient. Not needy. She can sit and do nothing but exist next to me and that is enough for her.

We have the best time together. We spent Saturday and Sunday at her family cabin. I have missed nature SO much. I haven't spent much time out in the country since I was married 4 years ago. I want to go camping with her. I think we could pitch a tent and not scream at each other. It's so refreshing to not have to walk on egg shells.

She doesn't get upset when we are driving and she or I make a wrong turn.

I could never sleep wrapped in someone's arms until now. I hate the thought of not going to bed with her or waking up next to her. I need her. Not to survive...but to be complete.

I love her....so so so much

Pathetic

I make myself sick. If this were me watching someone else's life I would throw up! She walks out the door and I fall asleep so I don't have to have that ache of missing her. I cannot wait until she gets back. The entire time I am gone for work all I want to do is get back home to see her.

All I think about is looking at her. Touching her. Smelling her. I don't even mind the taste of cigarettes.

The subject of the ex came up at dinner last night. She doesn't know everything he has said to me, but she does know enough that she voiced her opinion. I evaluate things he has said and done and he honestly treats his dogs better. We have stopped communicating. I sent a random text about going to a music event in town because I thought he might go and sure enough he said he was. I responded that I wouldn't be there, he needn't worry. She doesn't mind me talking to him, but she doesn't like the way he speaks to me or the way he makes me feel. I think it's best if I don't communicate with him right now, until he can get a grip on his anger and emotions. She tells me he doesn't deserve anything after some of the things he has said to me but he has guilt ridden me so deep about taking me on vacations that I am blinded to his cut downs and smart ass comments. He knew when she got here I would quit talking to him, guess he's a smart cookie in that respect. I've gotta get past the guilt.

She sent me this text today "I don't think you're beautiful.....I think you're beyond it". No one has ever said things like that to me before. I've never had ANYTHING like this before. She makes my heart go pitter-patter and she takes my breath away all at the same time. She cut my grass yesterday while I was at work. It meant more than if she had taken me to a 5 course dinner. She made our bed. She washed our dishes. She is making herself at home, which in turns, makes me want to lock her up inside and never let her out.

She needs to stay with her mom some. I mean after-all it's been over 10 years since they spent any extended amounts of time together. But she doesn't want to leave my place. And it's hard for me to push her out the door. I hope there is no resentment. We are going to stay at her mom's place tonight together. It will be good for her, and her mom. Of course I will hate to say good-bye to her in the morning. But the minute I finish at the hospital we will find each other and spend as much time together as possible.

She is perfect. Even her imperfections are perfect for ME. I keep telling her forever isn't long enough. I love that girl.

Wa Wa Babies

I have always said I would never, ever have children. Then I was with one person about five years ago that if they had decided to make a life with me I would have had a child for them. I have no regrets about that situation but looking back, it wasn't healthy nor would it have ever been "right".

I have such mixed feelings about kids. I don't think I would be a good mother, who knows, maybe I would. Babies in my arms are like hot potatoes, I pass them off to someone else. But in my profession, I do see a lot, and they are sweet bundles of happiness....that never go away. The lifetime commitment scares me a bit. I can never return them to the store or get a different brand.

Something hit me on the drive home. I got this itch to have children with her. It is freaking me out a bit. I keep telling myself I am in la-la land right now. Seriously. I'm not supposed to be having these thoughts. I'm NOT supposed to want children!! I have never thought I had a biological clock, and I'm not sure that I do. But I want to share something with her that deep and committed.

We discussed it a bit on the drive home. Probably not anything I will bring up again soon, unless she does. She is as open to having them as me. We talked about who would carry the child(ren). We both want to have one, so I guess that would put us up to two children. We didn't discuss in vitro but I am guessing that would be the route. I have no real excited about adoption. I almost think I would rather not have any at all, if that were the last option.

My mind goes into a freak when I consider the day-to-day life of us with kids. This is something that would happen at least 2-3 years down the road. And by that point we'd be 33-34 years old. I made a joke that we wouldn't need to be preggers at the same time. Oh my gosh we would probably kill each other with all the hormones raging!!

The trip home was lovely. I got a wild hair and flew to see her two days early. I'm glad I did. We got a lot accomplished packing, but we also got a ton of alone time before the other help arrived. We get a little closer each time we see each other. Falling in love with her is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. She takes my breath away on so many occasions. I cannot wait to spend a lifetime loving her. She is so accepting of it. WOW, what an amazing characteristic.

We swapped up drivers and passengers for the trip. I rode with our friend who I open up to quite a bit, especially about my insecurities. She offers good advice. Some I will take, some I won't. Then I rode with my girls mother. We had such a wonderful time. We laughed, talked, high fived and feel we got a little closer. She tells me about her boyfriend, I talk about her daughter. We swap mushy love stories. Somewhere between Illinois and Kentucky she told me she had never seen her daughter act like this. I thought I was going to jump out of the window! It made me so excited to know I was making her daughter this happy. How often does that happen ?

I had to work today. I have missed her like crazy. I don't want to intrude on any time her mother plans to spend with her, but I can't get enough. I want to be with her night and day. I cannot lose myself in this, I remind myself of that. Keep my individuality, no matter what. But I love making that girl smile. It elates me that I can make someone THAT happy. I don't think I've ever seen smiles that big on someone I've been with before. I don't consider myself "that" wonderful, but if it works for her, I'll keep it up.

The friend who helped us move her told me that she doesn't think the friend back in the old place will be an issue. She asked her if she was going to keep in contact with many people from back home and when that girl was mentioned it was said she knew I wouldn't like it and it would hurt me too much. When I was putting direction to my house in her blackberry I saw a text from that girl. I must trust her. I honestly don't think she could fake the feelings she expresses to me and have that girl in the back of her mind. There is no future there.

I will see my girl soon. She fills my every thought and consumes my mind in ways no one else ever has. I want her here with me, and life with her is becoming a very sweet place to be.

Guilt

I feel guilty because I'm sure somewhere deep inside my subconscious I wanted something to happen in Vegas. I told myself it wouldn't. I never dreamed it would be more than physical attraction. But it was, and it is. Should I have broken up with him BEFORE I went to Vegas? The minute I recognized there was something missing. Would it have made it any easier for him?

He says things to me in anger. I'm sure he means them but people who are hurt, hurt others, or at least they try.

I had just gotten over previous guilt of what I did to my ex husband. Now this is feeling more like a soap opera. I have guilt now because I didn't end my relationship with him the minute I noticed I was "looking" for something more. I guess he sees that he would have had a 2nd chance. But would it have been too late, still?

I miss her. Only 4 more days. She's playing softball tonight, with someone I don't like. She asked me the other day if I would prefer she not be friends with her anymore. I am not going to make that mistake again. I will never ask someone to do that. It was held over my head too many times. I am hoping when she moves here their contact will fizzle. Unless it's true friendship, it will. She still avoids talking about her to me. I guess she thinks I will have something to say. I have no idea the dynamic of their friendship. Soon it won't be an issue, I hope.

Should Have

I should have just told her I had gone to the ex's house to watch Entourage. Instead I waited until the next morning.

She called while I was out driving around AFTER watching tv @ his house. I told her I was just out driving around. It didn't make sense to her but she dropped it. Then this morning she asked again. I told her I had gone to watch the 25 min show and then I drove around a little while. She asked why I didn't tell her that last night. I'm not sure why I didn't. There wasn't a reason, because she doesn't care if he and I hang out. I'm sure on a subconscious level I was relating it to her hanging out with an ex and how I don't feel she tells me EVERYTHING about their relationship. I don't think they sleep together, but she doesn't offer a lot of information when she and that girl hang out.

It's all a moot point because soon they won't be around each other anymore. 5 days to be exact. And the ex doesn't seem to think I will ever make time for him once she gets here. He is probably right.

Anyway, I sit here on a Sunday afternoon feeling like shit because I wasn't 100% honest with her when she asked what I was out doing. I feel she has a grain of doubt now. I will work on this. I will improve.

Tonight is a concert with the ex. It will be fun. I will be tired tomorrow. I'm just ready for her to be here. I want life with her.

8 days and counting

Another day has gone by. Another day I'm closer to her. We had incredible phone sex last night. It started out with us playing, or me playing 20 questions. I asked her what she liked and she would answer. I'm hoping she will return the favor soon. She got turned on, slipped into bed, and then I couldn't take it anymore so I did the same thing. I finally told her goodnight at 3 am. We really should sleep more. I liked so many of her answers. Some I was shocked by. Using sex toys that have been used in previous relationships. Really? As long as they are CLOROX CLEAN I would be okay with it. She wants me to scream more. I will keep that in mind.

I can't wait to see her at the airport. We will be with her mom and another family friend. I have told her to hug them first, save the best for last. I want to throw her down right there, but that won't be an option. But touching her skin and putting my arm at the small of her back will be more than I have now. We will begin our life together at that point. We say we will never be apart again. And I believe that, except for possible business trips.

She loves PDA. I'm not as big on it, but I can certainly do small things to let her know I am there with HER. It's much different with her than it has ever been with anyone else. I actually do ENJOY it. Whereas before I felt a bit closed in or trapped if I held someone's hand.

I have been reading websites about lesbian sex. If she ever reads this I am sure she will laugh at that. I feel so insecure. It just takes time. I know the basic principles, I just need to know what SHE likes. My main reason for 20 questions.

I haven't told her yet but I asked the ex to split our hockey tickets today. I had lunch with a friend who put things into perspective for me. She said would you want HER to go with her EX to a sporting event? Especially when I have the option of her going. I'm not locked into those tickets. I will just be going to 11 games rather than 23 now. But that is OKAY. That will save me parking and liquor money in the long run.

I'm looking forward to taking her out of town next month. It will be for 4 nights. An awesome get-away. We even got free passes one day to a theme park. STOKED! I want to just lay on the beach with her and enjoy her company. Enjoy her existence. Enjoy her love. Ahhhh!!!! You can't buy that.

She is at work right now ready to pull her hair out for some reason. I've sent her messages hoping to make her feel better. I think they did. We are both easy to make happy, especially when it comes to each other. It's the little things.

I am so ready for day to day life with her. I think she wants to move in but knows she would feel bad for me paying for everything initially. She wants to stay here at night. I don't mind at all. I'm going to give her a house key when we fly up to get her. I want her to feel welcome and like anything I have she can have or use if she needs to. We are probably rushing things, but I cannot help it. Why hold back something so strong?

I am still enjoying my alone time. This is so good for me. I can tell I will certainly be ready for her company in another week. Until then...Totinos pizzas and Ramen noodles.

I love her...and fall in love with her more every single day.

Trip

We went to Vegas last month. She came home 2 weeks later for her moms graduation. At that point is was a little over four weeks before I was going to see her again. We brainstormed and she mentioned Chicago wouldn't be a far drive for her. I knew we have daily flights there so I began searching for the cheapest thing I could find. Two weeks later we met in Chi town for another amazing weekend together. In ten days I will fly to where she lives and help her move back home. Her family is here. This is where she has wanted to be for a long time.

Vegas--decide she is who I need to be with.

Graduation--not much alone time but still every moment was incredible being with her and her family.

Chi--breath taking 24 hours together

Move home--the beginning of forever

I don't like the girl she dated between her long term relationship and me. I don't know the girl but I guess that's the bad part about ALSO being friends before we became a couple. She told me TOO MUCH. I wish I could get things out of my head she told me--how she could see herself falling for that girl if she weren't moving. How they took a shower together. Movies they watched together. How good she was in bed. But as a dear friend told me, she chose ME. She didn't choose to stay and see if there was something there. That relationship was based solely on sex. I will give it time and hope she fizzles away with time. I know it hurt my girl to tell this chick she could only be friends with her. But if we are going to be exclusive, it had to happen.

I love her. It grows more and more everyday. I am so ready for that everyday life with her. We spoke about that last night on the phone. It wouldn't be a good idea to move in together right away when she moves here, but she told me last night she WANTS to live with me. She wants commitment and apparently that isn't something she gives freely. She wants to be settled down with me. I would let her move in with me in a heartbeat, even though it would be a financial strain on me and it might even cause problems down the road. But she really needs to stay with her mom. She hasn't spent any extended periods of time with her since high school.

I hope she finds a job soon. I think she will want to advance more quickly if she feels she can pay her own way. That is fine with me.

I'm in a place I've never known before. Home alone. Everything in this house is MINE. I am loving it. I never thought I could appreciate alone time, but I am. I am going to enjoy her company when she moves here in 10 days but I am going to savor this alone time. We don't plan to stay together EVERY night but that's going to be hard to NOT do when we want to spend every waking minute together. I have encouraged her to spend time with her mom, but she assures me her mom has her own things going on. I just don't want any hard feelings from her mom, thinking I'm stealing HER time away.

That's all for today. My heart is with her. I miss her and I can't wait to see her again in 10 short days.

I went crazy

I went crazy. I went crazy for someone and it wasn't him. I am falling in love with someone. I didn't fall in love with someone ELSE because I was never in love with him to begin with. Sure we had wonderful times together but there was always something missing.

Can you ever break up "correctly"? I'm sure to the person getting their heart broken there is no good way to hear, "I think we should go our separate ways". But I did it the best way I knew how. I did it before it went TOO far. I could never cheat again. I will never do that to someone again. Although I have never had my heart broken, I see the effects of the pain. I see how low it can take a person. No one deserves that.

What we had long ago was special. It was juvenile and adolescent, but looking back I had some awesome times. I have a head full of memories from that time, many she can't recall, but that is okay. As long as she remembers NOW. I blame it on the Splenda, she thinks that is funny.

She makes me feel like I am the only person that exists in her world. I wouldn't even want that to be true, but when someone can make another feel that important and special, it's pretty damn awesome.

How do I deal with the transition of going from men to a female? I am aware of the anatomical differences but I honestly don't see gender. I don't see color. I see a person. I see someone that is honest and true. I see confidence. I see beauty. I see who I am attracted to. I see my love.

Something in the way she moves.... attracts me like no other lover...

She gets me. She feels me. She makes me smile when she isn't around.

Synopsis of us:

We were on and off again throughout high school. After graduation, I got married, she went to college. I told the husband about US and he demanded I never talk to her again. 8.5 years later, divorce. I immediately got back into contact with her. She was with her GF and I was happy for her. We stayed in contact with each other via email. I began dating the ex. 3.5 years later, break-up. Would we have broken up had she not met me a month ago? Probably not, but she gave me the courage.

The way she makes me feel is unlike anything I've ever felt. Did I say that already? Probably.

I love the way she is laid back. How she doesn't get worked up over little things. The way she wears her hat, even tho I get tired of hitting my noggin on it when I sneak a kiss. I love the way she looks at me when we are dancing. I love the way she walks, the way her hips shift. I love her hair.

I have my fears too. Even though I am plunging in head first and I have no idea how deep the water is. I fear she has felt this before for other people. These unstoppable forces. I fear I won't be good enough for her in bed. We must communicate about this more. I fear I won't be enough for her in the years to come, emotionally. What happens when we get into that rut that all couples fall into? Will she look elsewhere? I have a terrible need to know that I am better than what she has had in the past. I want to be BETTER. I want to have what it takes to KEEP HER. This is a risk we take when we dive into a relationship. I want the confidence to know she would never look at anyone else. Over time, I am hopeful this will come. I don't want to enjoy every minute with her and have in the back of my head this could end at any moment. I can't do that. That's not an option. Neither of us feel that way, and I hope those doubts never enter. I just want more confidence.

She moves here in eleven days. I think the confidence will come when we see each other everyday. I want to see her get pissed and me and see how she handles it. That's probably weird, but I want to know how she handles so many things.

I'm still scarred from the ex. When something wouldn't go right, how I would cringe and be fearful of his loud voice and smirky comments that cut like a knife. I am using these 11 days to get past that. For some, that wouldn't be enough time, but for me, much alone time isn't a good thing.

I love the passion we share. The constant craving--yes, that's a song. My heart aches when she isn't with me. I love her spontaneity. I love how she consumes my thoughts, although it isn't always a good thing when operating heavy machinery or driving. She's a drug I can't live without. I love that she loves music. That she is okay with staying up past 10 o'clock. That she can lay in bed for an hour dozing. That she has a sense of direction. I love talking about her to my friends. So far I have lost one, maybe two. And my parents are an entirely different post. They have asked me if I'm planning to be with her. I couldn't tell them the truth. It hurts to lie to them.

I have never felt happier in my heart. Not sure that my brain is thinking as clearly as it should but I love loving her and I can't stop it. And I'm sure not trying to...

I love her, and always have.