Monday, January 24, 2011

That Girl

We are back home from the cruise tonight. We had a WONDERFUL time. I feel like I got "special" back. We learned the MJ Thriller dance. We drank. We danced. We people watched. Fun fun fun!

She went through my phone history and saw where I had searched for the ex bf's on a social network site. She hasn't said anything, but I expect she will.

Back on the boat...I felt fat the entire time. I look in the mirror and I disgust myself. I've never in my life been this big before and it's killing me. But why can't I stop eating? Why can't I say "NO" to shanghai boneless wings? Margaritas? On the last night I only danced to one song. I felt like a hippo on the dance floor. I had on baggy jeans a big shirt. I used to be "THAT GIRL"...you know the one that walks on the dance floor and guys wanna dance with her. The one that other girls look at and you see just a shade of green in their eyes. The girl that a lesbian would look at and wish she had a chance with. Am I being conceded? Probably. But I KNOW I was "THAT GIRL" and now I'm not. At 32 years old and 163 pounds, I'm no longer the girl anyone wants to be with. OK, back to reality...SHE wants to be with me. She doesn't view me as fat. Of course she wasn't around me to see me on the dance floor in college 5 years ago when I could bend over and touch my toes. Now I just wanna sit on a barstool in stretchy pants and wallow in my fatness. What am I going to do?

It made me sad. Not that I was looking to see if anyone was looking...but I could tell that they were not. They were all looking at the Nicole Scherzinger look-alike, as were we, and wishing we were either with her, or looked like her, or could have a chance to dance with her. I didn't even feel "pretty" enough to get the glance back of other girls (lesbians). Of course I never felt lesbians "wanted" me. I still have issues with that. I don't know that I'll ever feel "gay" enough.

Some of the people on the boat... I would guess fundamentalists, were judging with their eyes. Some even whispered to their husbands/wives about us. We weren't the only gay people on the ship, so I would imagine everyone noticed it, but I'm not used to the stares, gawks, or looks that some have for us. It's uncomfortable to me. I want to hide. I don't like rubbing it in their face, not that we do, but for some reason I'm more worried about making THEM feel uncomfortable than how they make ME feel. I hope to get past that.

Her gram's chemo didn't shrink any of the cancer. She goes for round 2 soon. She developed congestive heart failure last week and was admitted to the hospital.

I think I have developed heart burn. Sign of aging? Sign of weight gain? I keep saying this but I have GOT to lose this weight!!! I walked onto that dance floor with my head down. I need my confidence back. I need to feel like I'm "that girl" again, even if I am not seeking attention. I want to feel GOOD about myself again. I NEED that confidence back.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Hateful

We have been hateful with each other for the past few months. Not constant, just a few snippy words here and there. We had what I would consider a "big" fight a few weeks ago. Neither of these things would have happened a year ago. What's the difference? Time? Getting used to one another. I DON'T want to continue like this.

Every time I tell myself to make a conscious effort to NOT speak hatefully to her, she ends up biting my head off. And the same happens with her when she is trying to be nice towards me. We aren't any more stressed than we were six months ago. We both KNOW we aren't going to leave each other, so is this a form of taking each other for granted? Because we have security now?

What are we doing wrong?

I hate that we speak to each other with an attitude sometimes. It's getting to be on a more regular basis. I'm noticing it more.

This is not the road I want to go down. I'm not talking about us ending or anything even remotely close to that. I'm talking about just accepting the way each other speaks to one another. She's the last person I would want to speak to hatefully. We hurt the ones closest to us.

I am writing this down to make myself even more aware of how much this bothers me. I want to speak to her in a loving way, with no agitation in my voice. Why am I irritated with her?

It hurts me to write this. We are DIFFERENT. We are not those other couples. We are strong. We communicate. We don't hold things inside and let them build. We are open with one another. We are soul mates who are understanding of one another.

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We go on our cruise Thursday. So excited. 4 days. Only one stop, in Cozumel. I will have to get someone to cover my surgery case on Thursday, but by the time we get to the port (we're driving 7 hrs to Mobile) the surgery will be over and I will know that everything went well. Stress will be MUCH lower by the time I get on ship. My girls mom and boyfriend are going too, it's her graduation gift. Her gram gets her 6 week catscan on Tuesday. I am hoping we won't have the results back by the time we leave for the cruise, but I figure we will. I do not expect a good report. I see stage IV patients at the hospital and it's just not good. Remission is not possible. Her appetite is gone, taste buds, she's nauseous, losing hair, the whole nine yards. If the report comes back and it's not good, my girls mom will possibly not have a good vacation. She gets depressed and down very easily when it comes to her mom.

I'm planning a good valentine's surprise for my girl. She's clueless about it. I'm going to make a puzzle and put a hint on the back of each puzzle piece and give her one each day, 10 days before giving her the gift. Can't wait!!

I WILL speak to her nicer. I WILL have more patience with her. I WILL give her my best.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Year 2011

Well here it is, 2011. WOW. Seems like just yesterday it was mid-90s and I was in high school. Doesn't it?

My girl and I had a fabulous Christmas together. She got me some super uper cute clothes, XM for a year in the truck, 2 CDs, and lots of little goodies in my stocking. I love all my gifts, but the best gift was getting to take her home with me to my parents. I think aliens took my parents and left some really cool people in the meantime. We enjoyed our time with them playing the Wii and eating mom's good cooking.

We also enjoyed spending time with my girls family. They are a more lively bunch than mine, but not too over the top. We played Uno, which I haven't played in years. So much fun. My girls mom gave us a gift card to a posh day spa in the city, can't wait to use that!! It's actually the same place I took my girl for our anniversary. Pure relaxation!

We rode the 4-wheeler one afternoon looking for an old civil war cemetery on her grand-fathers land. We finally found it, and both enjoyed our time outdoors in the woods. Reminded me of an earlier time in my life. Things are simple in the woods...no phones, jobs, money, etc.

We went back to the western part of the state for NYE. We had snicky snacks and rang in the new year with my girls mom and gram (stage IV cancer). It wasn't as fun as the previous year, but that is okay. Not every year is going to be the same.

I got called to do an emergency surgery so we had to come back home early. We had planned to have chinese buffet with my parents after their church service on Sunday. They seemed disappointed we had to get a raincheck. I cannot believe how much their attitude has changed in such a short amount of time!

We have discussed, not at length, our plans for a wedding ceremony. What to do? I looked at flying to CT and going to the courthouse with a JOP, and then spending a night in NYC for our "honeymoon". We could take the train from CT to NYC, for a decent cost. Plus we'd have the magical and romantic story of staying in Manhattan on our wedding night. Sounds perfect to me. I'd love to do that in the summertime when it's warm and we can enjoy their weather without having to bundle up in scarves and coats. I think the biggest decision is getting a feel of how her gram will feel about everything. Will she feel like going to a reception back home? Will she get the point? Will she be sad we are planning so much of OUR wedding around her?

I looked at profile's on CA Cryo the other night. I get so excited thinking about it. I love that they have celeb look-alikes for their donors. Call me vain, but I honestly don't want sperm from a bad gene pool. When I have the option of good family history, no STDs, good looks, etc. why not take advantage of that?

Life is good with my girl. We have a cruise to the Caribbean coming up in 18 days. I NEED/MUST/HAVE to lose weight. Treadmill and lowering my intake are in my future. I have never weighed this much in my life. I never knew "happiness" did this to people!! Or is it laziness? I want to feel sexy again. I want to wear lingerie and not feel I have to hide my belly. I want to walk around the house in cute pajamas rather than big sweat pants and slouchy shirts. I'm writing it down. I'm on a mission. I challenge myself to stick to it.

Happy New Year 2011 folks.

xoxo