Back from vacay...

How she always gives the right answers I will never know. I don't guess I have had enough relationships to know if its "ok" to compare or not but I can't help but compare her to my last relationship most of all. Some of the exact same situations will arise and the answers HE gave were cruel or smart assy or not understanding. Her responses make me smile, melt, and get weak in the knees. He and I used to sleep in the same bed all night until his snoring got worse. If I would wake him up I was chastised either then or the next morning for waking him up. He wouldn't allow me to wake him up...he said there wasn't any use in two people losing sleep. I also have a bad habit of popping my jaw where my TMJs hurt...he never would allow me to pop my jaw near him. I would get up and leave the room if I needed to pop my jaw. Coincidentally she has the same issue. She would never ask me not to pop my jaw--. Sometimes when I ask her if certain things bother her that I do she looks at me as if I am insane. And in my mind I'm thinking DAMN...I'm not gonna get bitched out or made to feel like shit for thinking a certain way or doing things a certain way. No matter what I say or do, its "okay" with her. There are no rules. No manerisms I am required to change to be around her. I can be myself and there is such a release and freedom in that.she doesn't even care if I don't shave my legs!! The ex would never let me throw my legs on him if they weren't freshly shaven. And she will kiss first thing in the morning if we haven't brushed our teeth. Gross? I honestly don't care. We were laying in bed one night at the beach and she snuggled up behind me and whispered "marry me" in my ear. When I think about that moment I lose my breath. I have never wanted to marry...and now she is who I want to be with forver and I feel like I want to make it ceremonial. We were sitting on the beach the night before we left and I started feeling emotional. So much so that I began to cry. She never said a word and just hugged me. Exactly what I needed. I was crying for several reasons...I didn't want to leave the beach, I was thinking about how unsupportive my parents are, and I was also thinking about how much she loves me. No one has ever loved me like she does. I think I was loved to the best of their ability but no one ever connected the way she does.I can honestly say I love her more than anyone in the world. She treats me so well, and respectfully. She enjoys doing things for me...cooking dinner, cleaning house, pumping my fuel , etc. It makes me feel a little helpless but she seems to get offended when I don't let her do things for me. I suppose if I were to compare again...she does "little things"to show she loves me rather than buying me things, like he did.I love doing things for her, too. When I see that smile of hers like I did when we rented that Jeep, my heart simply melts. I dont want to get in a habit of spending money to get that...because I can look at her with wanting eyes and get the same smile. I love looking at her. She's so beautiful. When she throws that ball cap on and gives me a "look" I would do anything she asked...ANYTHING. I am enjoying my life...it feels complete.

Trip

We're going to take a little trip down to Flo-Rida. Her cousin is still in critical condition, but it sounds like they are just going to observe her output for 3-4 days while cultures run in the lab. They cannot pinpoint where her infection is coming from. It's so sad. This is supposed to be a happy time with a new baby and pink everywhere. Instead this family is sitting in the ICU waiting room hoping she gets better.

I'm looking forward to getting away. It will bring us together, closer, even tho I wonder how that's possible. Laying on the beach listening to our iPod...can't get much better. Plus one day at U.S. with roller coasters will be fabulous!!

We're going to meet up with two other bloggers. Both I have met once before. Fun, Fun!!!

See you when I return.

Trying

Her cousin went into hospital for planned csection now she is laying in an ICU. The doctor perforated her bowel and she has infection throughout her abdomen. My girl and I have stayed at the hospital a lot. It has been a little trying because its not what I imagined for our first couple of weeks after she moved home. I'm so selfish that way. But we have done VERY well. I've been there for her when the family received not so great news. We have eaten out a lot and even spent the night together in the waiting room at the hospital. We end up having a great time together no matter the circumstances. I would say this has brought us as close together as anything could. It also allows me to get closer to her family, which I love!! They are so loving and accepting and take you in. My girl makes me feel so special and loved. Such an awesome feeling. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. I can say or blurt anything out of my mouth and she never chastises me or makes me feel like I'm doing anything wrong. I wake up everyday and wonder if my life is real. I ask myself when is she going to change her mind about me? She's too good to be true. We are always talking about matching tattoos. I'd like to come up with something unique, but meaningful. I want something that's exclusive to us. I am thinking about my left wrist where my watch would hide it. Or my foot. I can't decide. I never thought I'd put someones name on my body but I would love to entertwine our monogram together. I'm working on getting my name changed--going back to maiden name. I'm falling more and more in love with her everyday.

Things I Like

The fact that she doesn't like country music but she will go to a country concert with me because she knows "I" will enjoy it. She likes to be outdoors. She is self sufficient. Not needy. She can sit and do nothing but exist next to me and that is enough for her.

We have the best time together. We spent Saturday and Sunday at her family cabin. I have missed nature SO much. I haven't spent much time out in the country since I was married 4 years ago. I want to go camping with her. I think we could pitch a tent and not scream at each other. It's so refreshing to not have to walk on egg shells.

She doesn't get upset when we are driving and she or I make a wrong turn.

I could never sleep wrapped in someone's arms until now. I hate the thought of not going to bed with her or waking up next to her. I need her. Not to survive...but to be complete.

I love her....so so so much

Pathetic

I make myself sick. If this were me watching someone else's life I would throw up! She walks out the door and I fall asleep so I don't have to have that ache of missing her. I cannot wait until she gets back. The entire time I am gone for work all I want to do is get back home to see her.

All I think about is looking at her. Touching her. Smelling her. I don't even mind the taste of cigarettes.

The subject of the ex came up at dinner last night. She doesn't know everything he has said to me, but she does know enough that she voiced her opinion. I evaluate things he has said and done and he honestly treats his dogs better. We have stopped communicating. I sent a random text about going to a music event in town because I thought he might go and sure enough he said he was. I responded that I wouldn't be there, he needn't worry. She doesn't mind me talking to him, but she doesn't like the way he speaks to me or the way he makes me feel. I think it's best if I don't communicate with him right now, until he can get a grip on his anger and emotions. She tells me he doesn't deserve anything after some of the things he has said to me but he has guilt ridden me so deep about taking me on vacations that I am blinded to his cut downs and smart ass comments. He knew when she got here I would quit talking to him, guess he's a smart cookie in that respect. I've gotta get past the guilt.

She sent me this text today "I don't think you're beautiful.....I think you're beyond it". No one has ever said things like that to me before. I've never had ANYTHING like this before. She makes my heart go pitter-patter and she takes my breath away all at the same time. She cut my grass yesterday while I was at work. It meant more than if she had taken me to a 5 course dinner. She made our bed. She washed our dishes. She is making herself at home, which in turns, makes me want to lock her up inside and never let her out.

She needs to stay with her mom some. I mean after-all it's been over 10 years since they spent any extended amounts of time together. But she doesn't want to leave my place. And it's hard for me to push her out the door. I hope there is no resentment. We are going to stay at her mom's place tonight together. It will be good for her, and her mom. Of course I will hate to say good-bye to her in the morning. But the minute I finish at the hospital we will find each other and spend as much time together as possible.

She is perfect. Even her imperfections are perfect for ME. I keep telling her forever isn't long enough. I love that girl.

Wa Wa Babies

I have always said I would never, ever have children. Then I was with one person about five years ago that if they had decided to make a life with me I would have had a child for them. I have no regrets about that situation but looking back, it wasn't healthy nor would it have ever been "right".

I have such mixed feelings about kids. I don't think I would be a good mother, who knows, maybe I would. Babies in my arms are like hot potatoes, I pass them off to someone else. But in my profession, I do see a lot, and they are sweet bundles of happiness....that never go away. The lifetime commitment scares me a bit. I can never return them to the store or get a different brand.

Something hit me on the drive home. I got this itch to have children with her. It is freaking me out a bit. I keep telling myself I am in la-la land right now. Seriously. I'm not supposed to be having these thoughts. I'm NOT supposed to want children!! I have never thought I had a biological clock, and I'm not sure that I do. But I want to share something with her that deep and committed.

We discussed it a bit on the drive home. Probably not anything I will bring up again soon, unless she does. She is as open to having them as me. We talked about who would carry the child(ren). We both want to have one, so I guess that would put us up to two children. We didn't discuss in vitro but I am guessing that would be the route. I have no real excited about adoption. I almost think I would rather not have any at all, if that were the last option.

My mind goes into a freak when I consider the day-to-day life of us with kids. This is something that would happen at least 2-3 years down the road. And by that point we'd be 33-34 years old. I made a joke that we wouldn't need to be preggers at the same time. Oh my gosh we would probably kill each other with all the hormones raging!!

The trip home was lovely. I got a wild hair and flew to see her two days early. I'm glad I did. We got a lot accomplished packing, but we also got a ton of alone time before the other help arrived. We get a little closer each time we see each other. Falling in love with her is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. She takes my breath away on so many occasions. I cannot wait to spend a lifetime loving her. She is so accepting of it. WOW, what an amazing characteristic.

We swapped up drivers and passengers for the trip. I rode with our friend who I open up to quite a bit, especially about my insecurities. She offers good advice. Some I will take, some I won't. Then I rode with my girls mother. We had such a wonderful time. We laughed, talked, high fived and feel we got a little closer. She tells me about her boyfriend, I talk about her daughter. We swap mushy love stories. Somewhere between Illinois and Kentucky she told me she had never seen her daughter act like this. I thought I was going to jump out of the window! It made me so excited to know I was making her daughter this happy. How often does that happen ?

I had to work today. I have missed her like crazy. I don't want to intrude on any time her mother plans to spend with her, but I can't get enough. I want to be with her night and day. I cannot lose myself in this, I remind myself of that. Keep my individuality, no matter what. But I love making that girl smile. It elates me that I can make someone THAT happy. I don't think I've ever seen smiles that big on someone I've been with before. I don't consider myself "that" wonderful, but if it works for her, I'll keep it up.

The friend who helped us move her told me that she doesn't think the friend back in the old place will be an issue. She asked her if she was going to keep in contact with many people from back home and when that girl was mentioned it was said she knew I wouldn't like it and it would hurt me too much. When I was putting direction to my house in her blackberry I saw a text from that girl. I must trust her. I honestly don't think she could fake the feelings she expresses to me and have that girl in the back of her mind. There is no future there.

I will see my girl soon. She fills my every thought and consumes my mind in ways no one else ever has. I want her here with me, and life with her is becoming a very sweet place to be.