Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Got It All Out

I think I got it all out...most of it anyway. Its not a matter of me not liking her best friend, it's a matter of her best friend being a bitch to me when we went to visit her. I wish things were different. I wish I liked her best friend. I wish she had not been mean to me.

If you end up going to see her to buy that vehicle I am not going. I refuse to subject myself to that torture again. Yes being with my girl would be great but I don't want to go thru Round 2 of the same scenario.

I don't think you would stand up to her for me. That hurts me to say. I wish I knew you would. Why didn't your ex like your best friend either. This is 2 for 2 now.

If that guy came around would you stand up to your best friend and say NO, I don't want him around? I'm not so sure you would. Would you tell me the truth about him coming around? I know you would do that, but would I just have to live with it?

I don't mind your best friend coming here, to deliver the vehicle, but this is OUR house. So if we have to go by their rules when we are at THEIR house, the same applies in ours. If I want to run my noise machine at night, I will do that.

I will never forget BS telling me she hadn't seen you act like this about someone SINCE E (best friend/ex gf from long ago). I know there is nothing romantic there, but there is history. There seems to be an untouchable aspect about her. Is it loyalty? Is it all in my head and I'm just imagining it?

Why has the thought even gone thru my head that you would get back with her, ever? I know as well as the sun is coming up that will never happen. So why did the thought come in? Fear? I suppose. I don't want any fear. I want a fearless relationship.

I know what my girls insecurities are, and she knows mine. I don't want to find myself playing off HER insecurities.

I'm glad the best friend doesn't live here, she's 700 miles away. And maybe someday I will not feel this way.






Monday, April 12, 2010

Keeping it Quiet

I made a conscious effort not to talk about the ex with my girl. She views me talking about him as still wanting him or missing him. It's not that at all, it's me having my eyes opened more each day as to how unhealthy my relationship with him was. It doesn't happen often but sometimes situations arise and I have a knee-jerk reaction expecting HER to have the same type reaction that he did. She is NOTHING like him, not even close. I am loving the simplicity of her. I am loving that the things she is addicted to do not affect OUR relationship like his gaming did. I love that she can spend an entire weekend away from her computer, phone, and entertainment. The longer I am away from HIM (9 months now) the more I see how ridiculous I was to stay with him. I never regretted getting married and spending that 10 years with my ex husband, but I am starting to have feelings of regret about the ex. I wish I had not gotten so serious with him. I wish I had not let him taint my thinking. He had me convinced there was no such thing as forever...and maybe in retrospect there was no such thing as forever WITH HIM. He had me convinced I didn't have friends. When we argued there was no discussion, it was him yelling and him being right, and not listening to what I had to say. It's not like that with her. We don't ever fight but if we do argue we both listen and we both try to resolve it in a manner where it's not something that will come up again. I don't think I can attribute it solely to us being female and knowing how to communicate better than male/female, because I don't have any girl friends that I can communicate with the way I do with her. She and I have a soul mate connection that goes beyond spark and passion. It feels beyond myself and beyond human in some ways. As if I'm taken to another place, another realm. I'm not sure where it is, or what it is, but I have never experienced it before.

I have never looked forward to life more than I do now. All the hopes and dreams and wishing...every day with her is special. Time is going TOO fast for us. I never thought I would be with anyone again and say the words FOREVER, but now there is no other option. Divorce, separating, settling is NOT an option. She is my forever. She makes me want to LIVE. I've never been one to talk about taking my life but there were MANY times in my last relationship where I would have loved to disappear. Just to get away from HIM and how he made me feel. If I could somehow demonstrate how OPPOSITE being with her is, I would. It is literally night and day.

Maybe someday I will not even think about him anymore. Not that he consumes much of my thoughts now, but if I do think of him, it's negative now. Even the positives--vacations/birthdays/gifts...they all have a negative twist to them in my head. Nothing about that relationship was right...or should have been.

I wish after my divorce I would have casually dated and then been with my girl...but I cannot go back. I can only (somehow) find gratitude for what my last relationship taught me. Learn from it and move on...I just can't let the negativity from HIM creep in.

I haven't read his blog. I have wanted to a few times because I an nosey like that, but I can tell from his FB picture he is very predictable. SO SO predictable. Makes me nauseous. So very typical of him. I never trusted him. I don't believe I had a reason to doubt him but I was constantly suspicious. Not sure where it came from, just a gut feeling I always had with him. With her it never crosses my mind that she's not doing exactly what she says she is. And thank God she has no desire to watch porn unless it's with me...and even then it's rare.

I'm grateful for her. I am humbled and thankful I found what is true and real and feels better than anything I've ever experienced. Our relationship feels raw...but in an organic and natural way.

I more than love her...




Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Bisexual

Sometimes being bi-sexual is strange for me. I get that I'm attracted to the same sex, but I'm also attracted to the opposite sex. It used to be I would/could look at a guy and imagine what it might be like to sleep with him. Now if I look at a guy I am attracted to I don't think that way AT ALL. It's more of how I have always felt about girls I'm attracted to. I say to myself "oh, they are cute/hot/sexy" and then go on. I never imagine myself with ANYONE else but her. I have NO sexual attraction to anyone other than her. Is that normal? The thought of being with a guy now grosses me out, whereas it once didn't. Where does that come from? But I could never imagine being with another girl, either. Well there are a few celebrities but when I actually entertain the thought of BEING with them, I just can't go there. It feels wrong to even think it. I've never had that in a relationship before. I've never been this dedicated.

So, we're going to XYZ bar this weekend where girls are known to dance on the bar. The thought of that doesn't sound appealing to me. The only thing I will think of is how much fatter I am than them and critique their figure. The group we are going with is primarily lesbian. I don't understand what they get from watching girls dance on the bar. I've never wanted to see a male review, either. Strip clubs always interested me more. Now that I'm WITH a girl, that's not appealing anymore! I am wondering if there is a norm for bi-sexuals. Is what I feel normal...it's quite confusing. Because I'm not looking for someone to be with, it's a non-issue. But it's only natural to be attracted to other people in our daily routines. No one come across as anything desirable. Guys that I once would have thought to be "cute" aren't cute anymore. Is it the lack of penis in the last year that has caused my mind to be grossed out by them? I was at work the other day and saw one and thought what a rarity in my life now. I viewed it more as a sausage rather than something enjoyable. Probably because I KNOW I don't need one to enjoy sex.

When we go to a gay bar I'm not attracted to other women. That's when I feel the most out of sorts. It's not like I have to convince myself I'm bi-sexual, I just don't understand why other women are not attractive to me. Oh some are pleasing to the eye but there's no way I would ever flirt with another girl. It would be wrong of me to do so, but I would just be entirely too afraid. I don't flirt with guys like I once did. I will still say stuff just to get a rise but I'm nothing like I used to be.

Now I spend more time thinking about kids, safe vehicles, and if we can afford diapers.

Just my thoughts today about being bisexual. I feel asexual.