Easter

“The greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about”

I searched for a ignorance quote so that my BIL will see it. He may or may not take the bait. Why I feel I am sent here to change the worlds view on gay people, I'm not sure. But I feel I can make a difference. I don't feel it's right to just sit back and let others around me trudge in their ignorance without at least giving them subtle hints they are oh what's the word...IGNORANT!

I told my mom a few days ago that my Girl and I would be over around 8 pm on Easter night to see them. We left the farm a little early, we needed to stop by the cemetery to drop off some flowers on my Girl's dad and sisters graves. We got to my mom/dads around 7:30. About a mile from their house I met a vehicle that looked like my sisters. When we got to mom and dads my dad met us outside and said we just missed my sister. I didn't say anything, but changed the subject. Mom never mentioned her the entire visit. The only thing dad said was he got in trouble and explained that my sister had wanted them to do something with my niece that day but dad didn't have his cell phone with him so she apparently made dad feel bad. After we left my Girl said "well, at least you know she's not just a bitch to YOU". I guess it was the first easter I've never talked to my sister. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to push myself on her...but there will come a time when she will wish she had just accepted my life. And I am sure out of guilt I will require myself to be nice to her when that time comes. Not without telling her how much THIS hurts.

We had a great day with my Girls family. We had a fabulous dinner and dessert and had a nice egg hunt with all the kiddos. There was a void...gram wasn't there. She was missed. Her laugh and her good humor.

We leave in just a little under 36 hours for NYC. I've got to bring the suitcases downstairs and start gathering my things. I hope I don't forget anything!! I suppose as long as I have my wedding dress and some makeup, everything else should be fine. RIGHT?

I'm going to marry my best friend. The person I have wanted to be with since high school. My girl crush, my girl lust, and the girl of my dreams. She will be a wonderful wife. Cheers to the rest of our live(s) together!!

Wedding Gift

I've been struggling with what to get my Girl for a wedding gift. We are going the traditional route on most everything else, so I want to include that, as well. She is NOT a diamond type girl, and rarely wears women's clothing. But for the wedding she'll be in a women's Banana Republic pantsuit. I found a black/diamond square necklace pendant and some small hoop diamond earrings today that I am considering giving to her as a wedding gift. Do you have any ideas? Have you heard of anything romantic or sweet...and special?

I initially found a canvas print that was personalized with our names on it but I don't know how I'd get that on the plane to CT, and I don't know where she would hang it? I am going to give her a hand written note with the jewelry...I guess I just wish the jewelry was more meaningful--like an heirloom.

We picked the restaurant we want to take my Girl's mom/aunt/cousin for our "rehearsal dinner". There's nothing to rehearse, but that's what we're calling it. We'll eat at Otto's Pizzeria (Mario Batali's restaurant) near the statue of liberty drop off.

I confirmed our wedding venue today. If I didn't post a pic on here, it's on my social networking site. We aren't renting the mansion, the parks & rec dept agreed to let us have our ceremony in the garden at no charge. I assured them we would only be 30 min or so. She informed me there is an AARP meeting taking place in the mansion and they might want to watch our ceremony. That's funny to me.

I also faxed in our marriage application. It will be typed and ready for us to swear and sign when we arrive Thursday morning. WOW! The countdown is winding down. This time next week I'll be in NYC. I can hardly believe it. Our wedding is practically here!!

Easter plans..I'm making a banana cream pie, and a pumpkin pie. The family has designated me as a dessert maker. I love it. I'd much rather bake something than cook something like mashed potatoes. I wish gram was here to help me make it...she loved to cook, and even in the last six months as she was stuck in her recliner (in the kitchen because it was her favorite room) she would point, direct, and instruct each one of us what to do and how to do it. Damn, I'm going to miss her.

11 days

11 days before we are to get married, my Girl's gram passed out of this life, and into the next. We had moved the wedding up from August to April so that her gram could share with us this special time.

Funny story, the day before she passed, she had the eldest daughter (my Girl's mom) look online for the PERFECT stand mixer to give us at our wedding shower last Friday. My Girl's mom printed a picture of the mixer and let gram write a note on it for us. With her shaky hand writing she wrote "love you both pops and gram". Earlier she had told ANOTHER daughter to go buy us a mixer we had picked out on our Tar-J wedding registry. So when we got to our shower Friday night we opened first a beautiful stand mixer, and then next opened a piece of paper with another mixer on it! ha ha We are going to take back the mixer from Tar-J and order the one she had found online, since that's the one with the note on it. Apparently another daughter (there were five) and her friend had spent several hours with gram in the hospital and online looking for the best mixer choice for us. It means so much to know she wanted us to have this, and that we had her approval. Our wedding and reception will be bittersweet, knowing she will not be there to celebrate with us.

She was a wonderful lady. Someone I will never be like, nor could come close. She loved more unconditionally than anyone I've ever known. She was a perfect example of what a person should be. She had a happy marriage for 56 years and I can only hope my Girl and I can be as happy as they were. Speaking with such gentleness towards each other.

When she was diagnosed with cancer, I had often thought I should write gram a letter and tell her how much she meant to me. It seemed silly, and something I wasn't sure if she would appreciate. I don't regret not writing it. But when I walked to her casket Sunday night I whispered a "thank you" to her. I hope she heard it. It was a loaded thank you.

It was a thank you for setting an example.

For loving me.

For telling me she loved me, and she said it first.

For showing me she loved me.

For approving of her granddaughter and me.

For the stand mixer

For showing me how to make homemade pie crust.

For telling me how to cook lasagna noodles and how to just cover them up and you can use them later in the day.

For telling me her cheese sauce calls for a pound of cheese and how to measure it out.

For always having a dessert made when we visited...it was for pops, but I always partook.

For always asking about my work or my job.

For showing me what a marriage should be.

For writing a note on our mixer picture.

For giving me money for Christmas, even after I had just been around them for five months.

For loving unconditionally, everyone, no matter what. She didn't care what religion you were, who you slept with, or how fancy you were. If she loved you, she loved you whole heartedly.

For having a heart as deep as the ocean.

Thank you gram. You will be truly missed. I love you.

P.S. I think she would want us to continue with our wedding, so we are still preparing to fly up next Wednesday for our ceremony. At least she'll get to be there this way.

I dread writing this post. I am afraid it will make me cry. I don't want to cry, but I've got to let these feelings and emotions out.

My mom replied to the cocktail shower e-vite my friend is giving us. She said no. There was no explanation, just no. Others that had responded put a reason or an apology but with happy wishes for the couple, things along those lines. Hers was a simple no. I am surprised she even answered at all, but I am glad she did. I don't have to wonder if she even got the e-vite.

Rejection. It's another form of rejection. For every ten people that are happy for us, the rejection is what I concentrate on. It's my focus tonight. The hurt feelings. The anger. The resentment. The how in the world could you not love your daughter enough to put away your selfish condemning feelings for one damn night? Why the fuck did I have to have parents that were not supportive? That rejected their daughter? That never told her she was good enough or pretty enough or strong enough. God I need therapy. I need to cry.

I don't want to hear that my parents love me because there will be a "BUT" after it. I don't want to hear they are proud of me because it will have a "but they wish you weren't spending the rest of your life with a girl" addendum. It can never be cut and dry with them. It could never be we love you and support you no matter what. Why can't it just be that simple? WHY???

How would you feel if none of your own flesh and blood came to the event representing the happiest time in your life? I know you don't have to be blood to be family, but there IS something about those people who are your kin, that you wish would have a bond like family is supposed to.

One of my girl's great aunts sent a RSVP tonight with a regret checked. I am surprised. I am hurt. She gave us a congratulations. She is elderly and I thought she would have attended. She doesn't go to church when it rains, so maybe not. I wish she would come.

I'm going to lay in bed and think about my parents. How this hurts me. How I cannot chose to ignore it or try to focus on the people that ARE attending. It's like when someone passes away and some acquaintance says "time will heal the hurt". Bullshit. That's not what you say to someone. Just like in this instance, don't tell me to focus on the people that ARE coming because the two people I most want to be there, are choosing NOT to because they believe I am going to hell. I will not have any flesh and blood at my wedding. That is sad.

5K and 1/2 Marathon

My girl and her mom signed up for a half-marathon which they both participated in this weekend. The terrain is flat, with a few hills, but nothing major. I remembered how horrible my feet were after the half-marathon I walked last September. I can not take the chance or risk those blisters again 17 days before I will be wearing heels in Connecticut and NYC. Both my girl and her mom beat their September time (3:45) and walked it in 3:16:16. GREAT JOB!! I walked a 5K. I am not a runner, so I am always one of the last, but at least I'm out there getting my heart rate up, is the way I see it.

We received our paper lantern and lights today I had ordered last week. I love them!! We ordered 6" and I was expecting them to "look" larger than 6" at their widest part, so I'm considering ordering some 10" to mingle amongst them. The little LED lights are so cute and they have an on/off switch!! I can't wait to see the country club decorated!

We made a deal to not have sex from April 2 til our wedding day. How we came up with that date I do not remember. Turns out I was sick on April 2 so I told her we would have a rain check night later that week THEN the pact would begin. So far so good, I want our wedding night to be special, and I feel that is part of it.

Her gram has a horrible cough. She is in the hospital tonight and they will do a bronchoscopy tomorrow to see what they can find. There is a possibility one of the tumors is blocking an airway path and the doctor says it's possible to cauterize it. Keeping fingers crossed for that possibility.

My girl and her aunt fixed the water pipes under our summer lake house. I call it a lake house but it's more like a lake shack. ha It's an old house boat that has been brought ashore and stabilized for plumbing and electric.

The closer to the wedding date it gets the more excited I become. I am trying to let the stress of the reception wane so that I can focus on the wedding day and ENJOY every.single.minute. I am looking forward to our honeymoon. My cousin has a very close friend who works for Food & Wine Magazine who sent me an extensive list of restaurants he recommends. Can't wait to decide where we are going to eat!! There are so many choices, how do I decide?

16 days

Train Dress

This is the dress I am going to try on tomorrow. I ordered it a week or two ago and it was just sent "site to store" (free shipping!) today. I REALLY hope it fits because I do not want to try on any more dresses, or have to navigate through hundreds of websites trying to find another dress that looks after-wedding appropriate! I am worried about the length of this dress, hoping it's not too short.

The shoes I am wearing with my wedding dress can be worn with this dress, as well. I am getting these shoes (below), in IVORY. I cannot find a photo of them in ivory, but they have them in-store.

My plan is to change into the above dress once we are finished with our photo shoot at the train station, before we honeymoon in NYC. I would love to wear my wedding dress, but I fear the train would destroy it, and my heart couldn't take seeing dirt at the hemline. I will be lucky enough to wear the wedding dress twice, and also the tiered dress again at the reception. After we cut the cake and have our first dance, I plan to change into this shorter dress to dance in the rest of the evening.

Looks like several people got their formal invitations today. I received several texts asking for registry information (it's on our website, which is on the formal invite), and some saying they will for sure attend.

My girl and I had a wonderful weekend on the farm and at the lake estate we are now renting, despite my allergies trying to kill me. My girl's gram doesn't seem to be doing great. I think she might have fluid build-up again, and she has had a couple of panic attacks. Father came out, along with 11 of their closest friends for mass, Saturday night. We (the family) served the parishioners dinner after mass. We had a lovely time. I am drawn to the catholic church, and the peace it brings me in the symbolism. I love how ritualistic it is and I take comfort in knowing EVERY catholic across the world is hearing the same verses and songs as I. There is a form of unity in the religion that I find appealing.

Sunday my girl and her aunt worked on repairing the lake's water pipes that busted in the winter. I slept until almost noon (darn allergies) then hung out with them at the lake. My sister called around 1:30 pm and let me know they were going to drive to the city where we were to eat catfish and asked if it would help me out if they met me to get my niece's birthday present they knew I had planned to bring over later. Yes! It saved us a 45 min drive one-way. They didn't stay at the restaurant very long once I got there, they were almost finished eating. I guess they weren't in a visiting mood.

My sister did the weirdest thing tho...she re-gifted something I gave her six years ago. When I was going thru my divorce and living with them we became very close and talked about pretty much EVERYTHING. She told me she had never tried a vibrator so I bought her one. It was never mentioned, until YESTERDAY!! When she handed me a bag and said she was giving it back to me. She said it had never been used, and she didn't want to just throw it away. Am I the only one who thinks this is WEIRD? When she handed it to me, she even said "I know you think I am weird for doing this." The vibe is no longer in a package, and still had batteries in it. After we got home I took the back off and the batteries had acid EVERYWHERE and one of the connectors has been eaten away. I doubt it even works anymore. SO SO SO STRANGE!!!