Guilt

I feel guilty because I'm sure somewhere deep inside my subconscious I wanted something to happen in Vegas. I told myself it wouldn't. I never dreamed it would be more than physical attraction. But it was, and it is. Should I have broken up with him BEFORE I went to Vegas? The minute I recognized there was something missing. Would it have made it any easier for him?

He says things to me in anger. I'm sure he means them but people who are hurt, hurt others, or at least they try.

I had just gotten over previous guilt of what I did to my ex husband. Now this is feeling more like a soap opera. I have guilt now because I didn't end my relationship with him the minute I noticed I was "looking" for something more. I guess he sees that he would have had a 2nd chance. But would it have been too late, still?

I miss her. Only 4 more days. She's playing softball tonight, with someone I don't like. She asked me the other day if I would prefer she not be friends with her anymore. I am not going to make that mistake again. I will never ask someone to do that. It was held over my head too many times. I am hoping when she moves here their contact will fizzle. Unless it's true friendship, it will. She still avoids talking about her to me. I guess she thinks I will have something to say. I have no idea the dynamic of their friendship. Soon it won't be an issue, I hope.

Should Have

I should have just told her I had gone to the ex's house to watch Entourage. Instead I waited until the next morning.

She called while I was out driving around AFTER watching tv @ his house. I told her I was just out driving around. It didn't make sense to her but she dropped it. Then this morning she asked again. I told her I had gone to watch the 25 min show and then I drove around a little while. She asked why I didn't tell her that last night. I'm not sure why I didn't. There wasn't a reason, because she doesn't care if he and I hang out. I'm sure on a subconscious level I was relating it to her hanging out with an ex and how I don't feel she tells me EVERYTHING about their relationship. I don't think they sleep together, but she doesn't offer a lot of information when she and that girl hang out.

It's all a moot point because soon they won't be around each other anymore. 5 days to be exact. And the ex doesn't seem to think I will ever make time for him once she gets here. He is probably right.

Anyway, I sit here on a Sunday afternoon feeling like shit because I wasn't 100% honest with her when she asked what I was out doing. I feel she has a grain of doubt now. I will work on this. I will improve.

Tonight is a concert with the ex. It will be fun. I will be tired tomorrow. I'm just ready for her to be here. I want life with her.

8 days and counting

Another day has gone by. Another day I'm closer to her. We had incredible phone sex last night. It started out with us playing, or me playing 20 questions. I asked her what she liked and she would answer. I'm hoping she will return the favor soon. She got turned on, slipped into bed, and then I couldn't take it anymore so I did the same thing. I finally told her goodnight at 3 am. We really should sleep more. I liked so many of her answers. Some I was shocked by. Using sex toys that have been used in previous relationships. Really? As long as they are CLOROX CLEAN I would be okay with it. She wants me to scream more. I will keep that in mind.

I can't wait to see her at the airport. We will be with her mom and another family friend. I have told her to hug them first, save the best for last. I want to throw her down right there, but that won't be an option. But touching her skin and putting my arm at the small of her back will be more than I have now. We will begin our life together at that point. We say we will never be apart again. And I believe that, except for possible business trips.

She loves PDA. I'm not as big on it, but I can certainly do small things to let her know I am there with HER. It's much different with her than it has ever been with anyone else. I actually do ENJOY it. Whereas before I felt a bit closed in or trapped if I held someone's hand.

I have been reading websites about lesbian sex. If she ever reads this I am sure she will laugh at that. I feel so insecure. It just takes time. I know the basic principles, I just need to know what SHE likes. My main reason for 20 questions.

I haven't told her yet but I asked the ex to split our hockey tickets today. I had lunch with a friend who put things into perspective for me. She said would you want HER to go with her EX to a sporting event? Especially when I have the option of her going. I'm not locked into those tickets. I will just be going to 11 games rather than 23 now. But that is OKAY. That will save me parking and liquor money in the long run.

I'm looking forward to taking her out of town next month. It will be for 4 nights. An awesome get-away. We even got free passes one day to a theme park. STOKED! I want to just lay on the beach with her and enjoy her company. Enjoy her existence. Enjoy her love. Ahhhh!!!! You can't buy that.

She is at work right now ready to pull her hair out for some reason. I've sent her messages hoping to make her feel better. I think they did. We are both easy to make happy, especially when it comes to each other. It's the little things.

I am so ready for day to day life with her. I think she wants to move in but knows she would feel bad for me paying for everything initially. She wants to stay here at night. I don't mind at all. I'm going to give her a house key when we fly up to get her. I want her to feel welcome and like anything I have she can have or use if she needs to. We are probably rushing things, but I cannot help it. Why hold back something so strong?

I am still enjoying my alone time. This is so good for me. I can tell I will certainly be ready for her company in another week. Until then...Totinos pizzas and Ramen noodles.

I love her...and fall in love with her more every single day.

Trip

We went to Vegas last month. She came home 2 weeks later for her moms graduation. At that point is was a little over four weeks before I was going to see her again. We brainstormed and she mentioned Chicago wouldn't be a far drive for her. I knew we have daily flights there so I began searching for the cheapest thing I could find. Two weeks later we met in Chi town for another amazing weekend together. In ten days I will fly to where she lives and help her move back home. Her family is here. This is where she has wanted to be for a long time.

Vegas--decide she is who I need to be with.

Graduation--not much alone time but still every moment was incredible being with her and her family.

Chi--breath taking 24 hours together

Move home--the beginning of forever

I don't like the girl she dated between her long term relationship and me. I don't know the girl but I guess that's the bad part about ALSO being friends before we became a couple. She told me TOO MUCH. I wish I could get things out of my head she told me--how she could see herself falling for that girl if she weren't moving. How they took a shower together. Movies they watched together. How good she was in bed. But as a dear friend told me, she chose ME. She didn't choose to stay and see if there was something there. That relationship was based solely on sex. I will give it time and hope she fizzles away with time. I know it hurt my girl to tell this chick she could only be friends with her. But if we are going to be exclusive, it had to happen.

I love her. It grows more and more everyday. I am so ready for that everyday life with her. We spoke about that last night on the phone. It wouldn't be a good idea to move in together right away when she moves here, but she told me last night she WANTS to live with me. She wants commitment and apparently that isn't something she gives freely. She wants to be settled down with me. I would let her move in with me in a heartbeat, even though it would be a financial strain on me and it might even cause problems down the road. But she really needs to stay with her mom. She hasn't spent any extended periods of time with her since high school.

I hope she finds a job soon. I think she will want to advance more quickly if she feels she can pay her own way. That is fine with me.

I'm in a place I've never known before. Home alone. Everything in this house is MINE. I am loving it. I never thought I could appreciate alone time, but I am. I am going to enjoy her company when she moves here in 10 days but I am going to savor this alone time. We don't plan to stay together EVERY night but that's going to be hard to NOT do when we want to spend every waking minute together. I have encouraged her to spend time with her mom, but she assures me her mom has her own things going on. I just don't want any hard feelings from her mom, thinking I'm stealing HER time away.

That's all for today. My heart is with her. I miss her and I can't wait to see her again in 10 short days.

I went crazy

I went crazy. I went crazy for someone and it wasn't him. I am falling in love with someone. I didn't fall in love with someone ELSE because I was never in love with him to begin with. Sure we had wonderful times together but there was always something missing.

Can you ever break up "correctly"? I'm sure to the person getting their heart broken there is no good way to hear, "I think we should go our separate ways". But I did it the best way I knew how. I did it before it went TOO far. I could never cheat again. I will never do that to someone again. Although I have never had my heart broken, I see the effects of the pain. I see how low it can take a person. No one deserves that.

What we had long ago was special. It was juvenile and adolescent, but looking back I had some awesome times. I have a head full of memories from that time, many she can't recall, but that is okay. As long as she remembers NOW. I blame it on the Splenda, she thinks that is funny.

She makes me feel like I am the only person that exists in her world. I wouldn't even want that to be true, but when someone can make another feel that important and special, it's pretty damn awesome.

How do I deal with the transition of going from men to a female? I am aware of the anatomical differences but I honestly don't see gender. I don't see color. I see a person. I see someone that is honest and true. I see confidence. I see beauty. I see who I am attracted to. I see my love.

Something in the way she moves.... attracts me like no other lover...

She gets me. She feels me. She makes me smile when she isn't around.

Synopsis of us:

We were on and off again throughout high school. After graduation, I got married, she went to college. I told the husband about US and he demanded I never talk to her again. 8.5 years later, divorce. I immediately got back into contact with her. She was with her GF and I was happy for her. We stayed in contact with each other via email. I began dating the ex. 3.5 years later, break-up. Would we have broken up had she not met me a month ago? Probably not, but she gave me the courage.

The way she makes me feel is unlike anything I've ever felt. Did I say that already? Probably.

I love the way she is laid back. How she doesn't get worked up over little things. The way she wears her hat, even tho I get tired of hitting my noggin on it when I sneak a kiss. I love the way she looks at me when we are dancing. I love the way she walks, the way her hips shift. I love her hair.

I have my fears too. Even though I am plunging in head first and I have no idea how deep the water is. I fear she has felt this before for other people. These unstoppable forces. I fear I won't be good enough for her in bed. We must communicate about this more. I fear I won't be enough for her in the years to come, emotionally. What happens when we get into that rut that all couples fall into? Will she look elsewhere? I have a terrible need to know that I am better than what she has had in the past. I want to be BETTER. I want to have what it takes to KEEP HER. This is a risk we take when we dive into a relationship. I want the confidence to know she would never look at anyone else. Over time, I am hopeful this will come. I don't want to enjoy every minute with her and have in the back of my head this could end at any moment. I can't do that. That's not an option. Neither of us feel that way, and I hope those doubts never enter. I just want more confidence.

She moves here in eleven days. I think the confidence will come when we see each other everyday. I want to see her get pissed and me and see how she handles it. That's probably weird, but I want to know how she handles so many things.

I'm still scarred from the ex. When something wouldn't go right, how I would cringe and be fearful of his loud voice and smirky comments that cut like a knife. I am using these 11 days to get past that. For some, that wouldn't be enough time, but for me, much alone time isn't a good thing.

I love the passion we share. The constant craving--yes, that's a song. My heart aches when she isn't with me. I love her spontaneity. I love how she consumes my thoughts, although it isn't always a good thing when operating heavy machinery or driving. She's a drug I can't live without. I love that she loves music. That she is okay with staying up past 10 o'clock. That she can lay in bed for an hour dozing. That she has a sense of direction. I love talking about her to my friends. So far I have lost one, maybe two. And my parents are an entirely different post. They have asked me if I'm planning to be with her. I couldn't tell them the truth. It hurts to lie to them.

I have never felt happier in my heart. Not sure that my brain is thinking as clearly as it should but I love loving her and I can't stop it. And I'm sure not trying to...

I love her, and always have.