This is my dress....

I'm supposed to go pick it up this weekend, but we are out of town, so I'll go next Wednesday. I have asked my future MIL to go with me. I want her to see it on, before the big day.

We (my girl, more like it) worked on invitations last night. We are about to wrap those up. We want to mail them Thursday or Friday of this week. They require a double sided sticky to attach our name cards to the front, which I am assigned to. I don't mind, I have more patience for that sort of thing. She does better on aligning the printer and invites/RSVPs/envelopes. Works out great!!

I made reservations for our wedding guests to go to the statue of Liberty. We are all going together the afternoon we arrive in NYC. The hotel where we are honeymooning will store our luggage for us for the afternoon. We want to take them out to dinner, as well. After dinner we'll take the rail train to CT. We pricelined our hotel in NYC for our honeymoon. It's not the location I would have chosen, but it's 4* and looks to be in the heart of times square.

I'm sending my sister and parents an invite, just as I did a STD. They never replied to the STD. I didn't expect that they would, but I hope they have the common courtesy to returning the RSVP, most likely with regrets. My sister lives in a bubble. She has such a double standard--some of her favorite tv shows star people with gay characters, or are gay in real life (Grey's, Glee, Am Idol, the Ellen Show, etc). Of course they don't affect her directly, or my niece, but she can somehow "emotionally" deal with it more so than her own flesh and blood. Yes.I.Am.Bitter. Why would attending our reception CONDONE a gay lifestyle? Can't it be as simple as being happy for their daughter/sister? I am SO happy to be adopting a NEW family who do not judge, or condemn. They embrace love, and do not view gender.

Oh...and I heard a rumor yesterday some of my girl's family from Chicago are coming in for our reception!! That will mean SO much!!

We got an email from my girls mom today saying she wants to pay for the entire reception...INCLUDING ALL THE BOOZE! We will have to discuss, but there is not usually any changing of her mind. *sigh* I'm Grateful, Thankful, and Blessed to have such a wonderful MIL.

These are the flowers I want for my bouquet. Beautiful, aren't they?

We found a DJ. He has been SO helpful and provided his song list. We also created three of our own CD's that we will give him of "for sure" songs. We will have songs playing as people enter the venue. Then we are going to play instrumental love music during the dinner. After the dinner, we will have a dance.

I was chatting online most of the morning with CT. She received our STD (I giggle as I say that). She told me wouldn't be attending the wedding (1st trimester of pregnancy) but she offered as a wedding give a phone session with her clairvoyant/intuitive. I graciously accepted her offer and told her I would love a session with R. It will be for thirty minutes and she told me to be sure I have 3 or 4 questions for her. I spouted them off quickly...I have been thinking about this for awhile! I am looking forward to the phone session.

After receiving a comment on my last post about a pre-marriage counselor, I started looking for one locally. It's hard to find one that isn't associated with a church. Then I started looking at online pre-marriage counselor questions. We ran thru several pages of questions, me asking my girl about how she feels about certain things in our relationship. I got some good, positive feedback. The only hiccup was the question "do you have any unresolved issues with your fiance?" She said no unresolved but it still bothers her to think about the night (2 years ago) when I went out with some friends, and things hairy. I had been drinking (heavily) and I kissed another girl. At the time my girl and I had promised to be exclusive to each other. About six months after my girl moved here she went thru my phone and saw a text conversation with one of the girls that was out with us that night. She confronted me about it, and I lied. She took some time to think about if she wanted to be with me. She said she would forgive me. I thought it was the end of it, but it has been brought up several times over the past year and a half. Not a ton, but some. In the last couple of weeks, it's been brought up twice. We discussed AT LENGTH last night. It was still never resolved. She keeps wanting me to tell her something to help her get past it, and I have no idea what that might be. I have apologized over and over and maybe at this point I feel I have apologized enough?? She feels like I cheated on her and the gigantic amount of trust she had in me, she lost some of it. I told her I was not sure we should get married if this is as big of an issue as I am feeling it must be for her. She said "okay". Knowing full well she doesn't meant that, but I didn't think she would say "okay". I told her I wasn't saying that to be dramatic, I seriously meant that if we have a big issue that hasn't been resolved, I'm not sure that it will be in the next 29 days. We went to bed and we laid in silence for a long time. Finally she asked me to tell her that I was sorry and I would never do that again. I did (sincerely). I went to sleep.

This morning I sent her a hello email, when she replied back she was glad to hear from me and said that she read some articles last night about our talk. She mentioned she might look up some more on her lunch break.

I realize doing our own pre-martial counseling is NOT the best idea, but if she cannot get past something that happened in the first week of our commitment to each other, what should we do? Am I being mean? Insensitive? Cold? Do we just have cold feet? There is no doubt in my mind she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I feel more secure with her than I ever have. I want to grow old with her. I want to share EVERYTHING with her. But this one evening when I was drunk and stupid crushed her.

I am not justifying it, but this happened before she moved here. That does not take away from our commitment to one another. All I am saying is that I just came out of a three year relationship two weeks prior. And I IMMEDIATELY hopped into a new exclusive relationship. Looking back, I should have told my girl we would commit after she moved here. How could I predict I would get trashed and kiss another girl? I should have been more responsible. I should have respected my girl and me more. I am mad at myself. I beat myself up over it. I moved on. And she hasn't.

Do I write her a letter so she can have it in writing and each time her fear comes up she can read it? I do not mind her asking me to reassure her, but to re-live the details of the night is NOT healthy for either of us.

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We worked on invitations last night. We are doing them ourselves using a kit. They look elegant. The only thing I notice about them vs. the ones you order from a company is the lettering is not raised. It's a little more difficult to find the right wording when we want anyone to feel welcome to the wedding in CT, and we want to invite everyone to the reception. I worry that having two different dates on the invite will confuse some, so I suggested we drop the time on the wedding on the invite. Otherwise you might have people going to the country club at 3 pm on Thursday, April 28. ha

We wanted to do a little something for our three guests who are flying up to Connecticut. I put together an email with option 1) statue of liberty 2) empire state building. They chose option 1. I'm going to book those tickets today. Who knew going up in the crown would be sold out until July? So we'll go to the pedestal and museum. Afterwards we would like to take everyone to dinner before taking the train up to Connecticut for the night. The hotel where we are honeymooning when we come back to NYC say they will hold our luggage while we do our touristy sightseeing.

What are your thoughts on us providing beer/wine at our wedding? Beer/wine/AND liquor? We are unable to take in our own--obviously the country club wants to make $$. The 1/2 keg is not too expensive, and we would probably get boxed wine since they cover a lot of glasses. Just not sure how much of a tab we'd have for liquor...scary!! We have talked about doing a cash bar...but then the beer and wine drinkers would have their's provided for free.

Concert

I searched the artist on a social network and saw where someone asked if anyone wanted 2 tickets. I have been wanting to see her in concert and the girl who opened for her, even more! The tickets were left for us at will call. We went to another part of town and got our free facials--saw them in the local coupon magazine you pick up at the grocery store. What a relaxing hour!!

We got to will call, picked up the tickets, and each got a drink. We got there early enough we got great seats! I left my glasses at home, which I was bummed about, but we were close enough, I could still see great. My glasses just add a crispness to whatever I'm looking at in the distance.

The first artist sang about 45 min and I loved her!!! She was awesome. The only other female at my work also came and sat beside us. She is a huge fan of the 2nd artist. As the 2nd artist began to sing, about half way through her set, she sang a song about love lost. It moved me to tears. I had no one in mind as a few tears rolled down my face. My girl looked at me and asked why was I crying over that song, was it 'somebody'? I said "no". She said "Do you promise?" It flew all over me, I became so angry. We only spoke to each other the rest of the evening, until this morning, when necessary. I am still not completely over it.

She completely took away my "moment". She has told me before you don't have to have a REASON to cry. And that was one of those times other than the song was simply SO beautiful, that it moved me. We are getting married in 34 days and she is so insecure about a damn song to question WHY I was crying during the middle of the concert?? What was she going to do if I had told her I was crying because it made me think about an ex? I was SO livid I don't even remember what song it was now. I was so livid I wanted to tell her we didn't need to get married if she is THAT insecure. I didn't. I never mentioned it again. She leaned over once later in the concert and asked what was wrong. I shook my head and mouthed "nothing". Again, not the time or the place to communicate about it. I just wish she had waited until we were on our way home and said "hey babe, i noticed you were crying during a couple songs, does she move you that much?" Maybe I'm asking for too much, who knows.

So, do we need to talk about this? Do I let it go? I don't want to call off the wedding but it was the only hurtful thing I could think of at the time that I could have turned around and hurt her with. I bit my tongue. I knew I just needed to go to sleep and I would feel better this morning. It still bothers me this morning, so I know it's not petty. After 2 glasses of wine, I was wondering if I was just exaggerating the moment. This morning, I do not feel that I was.

Wedding Details

I got dress #1 from Ann Taylor (picture in previous post)...it made me look like a big square piece of oatmeal. Ivory dress with NO waist. Yesterday, dress #2 came in the mail. Ironically, the Ides of March was yesterday and when I put the dress on I thought to myself "well, hello JC!" If I had worn a bunch of green leaves on my head you could have called me Julius Caesar. I learned the over one shoulder dress is NOT my style. My plan is to look online at David's Bridal ($99 sale?!?!?) and pick out a few style numbers and try them on in the store tomorrow or Friday evening.

My bff asked if I wanted to try her wedding dress. This is the one she bought and had her $13,000 wedding planned and cancelled a week before she was set to walk down the aisle. I tried it on but it did NOT fit. It has been altered, and she was going to ask her mom if she thought it could be let out. But honestly, I am not sure the dress is for me. It still seems to "mean" something to the bff, and I know it means something to her mom. I don't know that I'd feel right taking it (she offered it for free). A part of me thinks she invited me over to try it on to prove how FAT I am, but then I ask myself if she would really do something like that? I would hate to think she would. But after I tried the dress on, she tried it on, too. And of course, it fit like a glove. Hmmmm...

We bought our invitations this weekend. Going to do those ourselves, and save some money. We got my girl a shirt to go under her Banana Republic black sleek suit. It looks GREAT!!!

We booked our honeymoon room last night on Priceline (the Algonquin). I am disappointed in the room size, but the location will be great. $210/night within 500 yards of Times Square. But the room size...160 square feet is what I'm told. Eek!! I wonder if that includes the bathroom? I asked if we could upgrade and she said when we arrive we could ask for an upgrade but she was unable to do anything since we booked it through Priceline. On a more positive note, they will hold our luggage while we explore the city before taking the train up to CT. I am asking myself if I should have just paid $269 for the Crown Plaza. Not sure the rooms would have been THAT much bigger, and for an extra $120...we probably won't be in the room that much, anyway.

My doctor hasn't had many cases so $$ is slim this month. I'm working in xray at the hospital a few nights to help supplement.

I am also worried about income taxes. This was the first year I have ever made 6 figures, and I do not think I saved enough to cover what I didn't pay in estimated taxes throughout the year. We'll see...nail biting.

My girl's mother, and also an aunt and her 11 year old daughter are flying up for the wedding. How sweet!! It means so much that they would sacrifice time and money to spend this SPECIAL day with us.

I sent my mother an email about our wedding/reception. A few days later I sent her another email asking about their pastor and about an iron on patch. She never replied about the wedding, only about the pastor and patch. I don't expect for them to come to either, but I think I had a sliver of hope. I often wish I could get into a religious debate with them...I would SO win!! How can they only take the scriptures that serve THEIR purpose and leave the others to be "for that time"? So hypocritical.

My other bff called me today to say she will try to come to our reception. That means SO much to me. And my former roommate said she will come, too. That makes me smile. Especially since my girl will have the MAJORITY of the guests. I really have no one.

Moving the wedding up

Yep! We moved the wedding date up to April 28th. We paid the JOP, and I am booking our flights and hotel as we speak. We're going to the mall this weekend to be fitted at Ann Taylor and J. Crew to get a better idea of their sizing charts. Sizing charts are SO generic, have you ever noticed that?

I'm nervous, but more-so about the reception. I have such a fear of rejection, that people won't be happy for us. That they think we are weird-o's for wanting to get married. I think it would be MORE weird to get married in our state where it's NOT legal. At least we are going where it's legal, right? I will invite my parents and sister but do not expect them to come to the ceremony, or reception.

I'm also nervous about what others will say to me. I wish I could have the attitude of who gives a shit, but I worry about my job and livli-hood too much for that. What will I say when people ask if I am married? I don't mind saying yes, but when they say "what does your husband do?" or "what's your husbands name?" I am clueless as to what I will say, in certain situations. I could always joke it off and reply with "my bitch" to the career question and "precious" to the name inquiry. But how does that make HER feel? Why do I have to live a double life? Pretending I'm not married, or with someone.

Gosh so much to do in 8 weeks. I'm doing better on weight loss. I've upped my water intake. Probably doubled it, as I didn't drink a ton, before. The scales are going down. I mainly want my face to look slimmer, in photos.

Any ideas of something "special" we could do in Manhattan? Restaurants?

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

now.it.hit.me

What's Going On

Let's see...haven't been here in awhile. Wish I found more time to blog and get in to it like I used to.

Wedding--starting to look at NYC hotel rates and flights. Found a JOP and also a photographer. What else do we need? Hmmm...let's see. I'd love to find a bakery that would make a very small wedding cake. Know any NYC bakeries? Also I'm trying to think of the best way to find a bouquet of flowers to carry. Maybe after we get our hotel booked I should search florists within walking distance. Just a simple bouquet of red roses.

Dress--trying to decide between this one..in black or white? I am not a traditionalist, so I'm not set on wearing white. I'm more of a realist and know that white washes me out in photos, and black brings out the color in my hair. This dress I fell in love with last fall from Ann Taylor Wedding collection.

Is this appropriate for a outdoor August wedding? My Girl is going to wear a pant suit, I'm pushing for white, grey, or black. I've seen several I like in wedding photos. She nor I want anything too masculine or butchy. I would like to see her wear something similar to the girl on the far right.

We have been looking to vacation in Yosemite this summer. Not sure with the wedding we will be able to swing both.

I feel selfish for thinking or say this but the more I delve into the wedding plans, the sadder it makes me that we aren't going to be able to fly everyone up to Vermont and have a full family celebration. My Girl's mom will go to CT with us for the ceremony but that's not the same as a family surrounding you. And then depending on chemo treatments and her health, not sure if gram will be able to attend our reception once we get back home. It's sad to me that we are planning a wedding around her grandmother. I don't mean that negatively, I just wish things could have gone as the original plan.

Her mom being with us in NYC is another concern I have. I don't want to feel like we have to babysit her. My Girl said she is going to tell her mom that this is our "honeymoon" and we want it to just be us, but how can you tell someone that without hurting their feelings?

Kids--I go back and forth but I DO want one. When we are around either of our families I ESPECIALLY want one. I want that feeling you get when you are all together and loved. It will be hard, especially with the day care situation and not knowing how flexible My Girl's job will be with her leave and if she could possibly work from home some.

My Girl has started reducing her Wellbutrin to half a pill a day. I can tell a difference, a good difference. Next week she will start taking a half a pill every other day. I hope her desire for smoking doesn't come back. She's almost to 5 months smoke-free. When she smells smoke now she thinks it stinks and will ask if that's what SHE smelled like.

We went to see my parents this past weekend. It gets easier and easier to be around them now. I hope they feel the same, and are enjoying visiting with Brianne and me as much as I am them. I even got an invite from my sister to come over and visit. That was a first. My sister gets on my nerves--she and her husband both want to talk at the same time and it gets very annoying. You don't know who to listen to! It's like watching the View!

I've been tweeting a lot--and getting some feedback from a few celebs. I'm addicted, actually. I know they are people like you and me, but it means a lot that they take the time to reply to a tweet. Got one from intern Ross from Jay Leno last night. Chely Wright sent me a message on Facebook. I've gotten a few replies on Twitter from Roseanne Cash (Johnny's daughter!) and also her daughter, Jane Crowell. Several of TRLW girls have written me back...and Tracy is even following me!! I'm sooooo star struck!!! Do you follow celebs on Twitter?