Christmas

We're going to spend tonight at my girls gram's house. Today was a chemo day for her, so I hope she is still feeling well by the time dinner rolls around tonight. Tomorrow my girl and I will get up and open gifts together (YAY!!!) then we'll head to my parents house TOGETHER for noon dinner and gifts. We plan to take our Wii controllers and play with my niece--should be a way to clear any awkward moments. My girl is going to take some fresh flowers for my parents, rather than a gift. I think that is nice.

They (weather people) are calling for snow. I hope the forecast holds true.

I know it's going to be difficult for my girl and her family to think this "might" be the last Christmas with gram, but I hope they enjoy and cherish every.single.moment. Her gram isn't like your typical gram...she's "special", unique, one of a kind lady, a true rock that holds everything and everybody together. I'm so lucky to know her, and learn from her.

Off I go to make cream cheese cupcakes!!

Merry Christmas folks!

I saw my ex husbands best friend last Friday. I have not seen him in 5 years. It was a deer in the headlights look. He threw up his hand, and turned his head back to the lady at the register. Did he tell my ex he saw me? What did he say? That I was with a girl? A girl that looked like a lesbian? That I had gained weight? Aged? I spoke to him and asked how he was doing. I am telling myself he needed to get back to the questions the lady at the register was asking him about his deer killing, rather than chatting with me thru a closed glass door.

My girl and her mom talked about my girls sister and father who passed away this past Sunday for the first time ever. It was a huge step. I cannot believe it happened, but so glad it did. It's been since 1991 (sister) and 1993 (dad), what a long time to never speak of it. Never had headstones, but they did discuss getting them. I think my girl got her feelings hurt over a few things, but I cannot take that pain away. I told her I was sorry her mom said those things...that she had no reason to go on (and later added only because of my girl did she). She never thought she would laugh again, smile again, be happy again. She said the memories she had with her sister were HERS and she didn't want to share them. Seems selfish to me, and hurt my girl in the process. Everyone deals with grief differently but she seems TOO extreme on holding it all in and not sharing ANYTHING. She sees getting headstones as "the end"...and it's not. It's a memorial. I think they are both very much alive in my girls moms head. I feel my girl is being rejected in a way by her mom, by being so selfish with her memories. I cannot imagine never acknowledging them or their lives. That is so sad to me.

We are probably going to go away and get married just the two of us and then have a ceremony/reception back home so her gram (stage 4 cancer) can attend. My girls mom said she wants to go, too. It's hard to imagine that because she's so sour about the cancer...she says she doesn't want to do anything fun.

I'm not saying much to my girl about all that. I bite my tongue, and write it down here. I will hurt my girls feelings if I tell her that her mom is acting childish and immature and selfish about EVERYTHING. She never even gave me a birthday card (who's being selfish now...me!!) But life does go on, and life is happening all around her. I know she must feel it has stopped, but she's got a very alive daughter, and a very alive mother who isn't sick from chemo yet...I just wish she could stop and enjoy those people rather than wallowing in her pity party because life has taken away her daughter and husband, and probably soon to be mother.

I'm looking forward to Christmas...but I'm afraid there will be a overshadowing melancholy in the air due to my girls gram, especially if chemo makes her sick.

We stopped by my parents this past weekend, they were nice AGAIN to my girl. Nothing weird or odd. We also went to my sisters because she had picked up a gift for me that I'll be giving my niece for Christmas. She knew my girl was with me. She shook her hand, but didn't make eye contact. She was rude, and I am shocked she wasn't more pleasant. I'm a little embarrassed of her and the way she treated my girl.

I need to start Christmas shopping.

Religious debate in surgery today...my surgeon was simply trying to point out that christians "might" not be the only people that make it into heaven. The assistant wasn't hearing any of it. Such closed minds. Makes me sad. What part of the bible says other religions won't make it? Because they think if people don't know about Jesus they won't go to heaven? Is God that mean that he would forbid someone from entering heaven because they were not exposed to a particular religion? Other religions have bibles, and gods, and believe just as strongly as christians in their faiths. How am I certain christianity is the ONLY way into heaven?

Had a wonderful time in MX. Amazing resort. Amazing water. Cooler temps than preferred. Top shelf liquor and fine dining included in our all-inclusive package. I got tired of people constantly opening my door, carrying my plate, pulling my chair out for me. I felt helpless. How do celebrities do it?

We came back to very bad news. My girl's "healthy" grandmother (72) is looking like she has cancer. She went in for a little chest pain...and they did a precautionary catscan...they have found nodules on her lungs (both) and her liver. They did a liver biopsy yesterday...and hoping for results today. The family is devastated. In shock still. Doesn't seem real. I thought about my post a few weeks ago about never dealt with anything bad before. She means a lot to me, because she is not discriminating towards "us". How many g-friendly 72 year old grandmothers are out there? Family is EVERYTHING to them. Waiting for the lab results is hard. Probably harder than knowing.

I talked to my mom yesterday. She said "i thought we would come up and take ya'll out for your birthday dinner". OMG!!!!!!! I almost ran off the road. She's never said the pleural before. Time...yes, that was the answer. Now I just have to get thru it with no hiccups.

2 days later

2 days later I received the following email from my dad.

Hi again, I am assuming I have said the wrong thing, Cause I did not get a response on my e-mail. If this is the reason, I am sorry. Please for give me. I am thinking that I did not make my self clear on the word acceptance. I was meaning that I do not think that a gay lifestyle is right.(for me) I accept the fact that you have chosen to live your life this way. So if you are needing us to say we accept, OK we accept that you are going to live this way. Not meaning in anyway that we don't Love you.

Another thing if you want to know how we feel about things, I ask you to, ask us, Do not listen to others, or assume, something that is not right. That's all this time, Again your girl is welcome in our home. Hope you have a good trip. Love ya, Pops

I almost passed out in surgery when I got it. I literally felt I needed to sit down. What a contrast!! What changed? It isn't important. But WOW!

She brought me flowers, and a gossip magazine today to get my mind off things....

Correspondence between my mom/dad and me about Brianne coming home for Christmas with me....
Letter to my mom:

Sister mentioned she talked to you today about getting together for Christmas, with my girl and me. It feels like there is a constant elephant in the room. I have always felt like I could talk to you about most anything, even if we disagreed, but I don't feel as comfortable with this due to the lack of response, when I reached out. I know sister has talked with you but without knowing what was said, I wanted to share with you exactly what I said to her so...I'm going to paste the paragraph below that I sent to her.

"When I emailed about Christmas, I should have mentioned, I was not trying to put you in the middle of something, or exclude mom and dad. I want us to all be able to have Christmas together, but if I do not come home, it will be because of their/your decision, not mine. I am not going to push it anymore. When mom or dad ask about my birthday or Christmas, I will ask them then. I'm not excluding my girl anymore. If she is not welcome, as my friend, then the decision has been made. I am not being snippy with any of this, I promise.. I don't imagine you have forgotten what it felt like for brother in law to not be welcome at mom and dad's, not that long ago. My thought is, they/you are not condoning anything because they allowed him to sit at Christmas dinner, as would be the same with my girl and me. We only get one family, and it hurts my feelings that mine cannot get past what happens in a bedroom, which is essentially, no one's business. I understand your religious convictions on this, and I respect that. I have just as many scriptures to back up my beliefs, as well. Mom and dad probably think both of their kids are going to hell, and I can imagine the surprise on their face when we see them in heaven. I know you are teaching the niece right from wrong, and someday she can make her own decisions about how she wants to treat others who are different from her. As for now, my girl is my friend, there's nothing else to say. Trust me, I wouldn't dream of any PDA. We don't even do that at my girl's family functions where we are welcomed, we are respectful. I do not know if you and mom talk about any of this, but if that is her fear (PDA), she can be assured, that will never happen. If where my soul ends up at the end of this life is the issue, well, all I can say is a lot of precious time that will never be regained will be lost, it's my life. She welcomed the ex boyfriend into her home just fine, and I was "sinning" just the same in their eyes. The discrimination confuses me. I have a constant internal battle talking about all of this with you/mom/dad A LOT. It has hurt my feelings that mom and dad didn't respond to my email. Therefore, I appreciate that I can at least bring it up with you. Maybe they didn't know what to say, or thought nothing at all was an response in itself. I have never been scared to ask them anything, but I am afraid to ask them why they didn't respond." I know you asked for a Christmas Wish List...and you are getting more than that with this email to say the least. I apologize for that, I don't know if you realize how much this all truly weighs on my mind. What are your thoughts? Is my girl welcome in your house?

My dad's reply:

Hi, Mom told me you were leaving the country, Sounds like a big trip, Hope you enjoy it. I thought I would respond to your e-mail to Mom, about bringing your girl to our house during Christmas, 1st thing, Mom has agreed for me to e-mail you about this. I had rather make this decision. She don't need anymore stress, and I respect that enough to e-mail you. I hope you do. 2nd we don't know where someone came up with the Idea that my girl was not welcome in our house. We have always welcome anyone in our home, that conducts themselves in a proper manner, as we expect. If I remember right, the day you and I had the conversation on the phone about gay lifestyle, (and you lied) we agreed not to bring this up again. Well you are the one, who seems to be antsy. So I guess you want to talk about it now. In your e-mail 7/26/10 you said that all you ask of us is tolerance and acceptance on this issue. We would have responded to that e-mail then, but we thought you knew how we feel about all this, and didn't think we were going to talk about it anymore. I'll respond now, The tolerance you have, but the acceptance No. We would never accept anyone who lives a gay lifestyle. This would be just like a drunk, drugee, etc. It is wrong. (BOTTOM LINE) But they would be welcome in our home. I hope this answers your question. If not, you will have to make it more clear, to what you want us to accept. So If you want to bring your girl, Your conscience can be your guide on this. I'll address the statement you made about us not making your brother in law welcome in our house. Yes ,it was difficult and he has told us himself that he knew it was very hard on us. But also that he appreciates that we did welcome him. Sonofapreacherman23 sometimes in this life we have to tolerate some pretty tuff stuff to make peace. So if you could be in a parents shoes, you would see why we make some decisions, the way we do. There is a problem you have letting people influence you or mabye brain wash, is another word, for it. I know of more than one time this has happened with you. I am going to say this and then drop it. I told you before that I thought you needed counseling, and we would help you with this. We still feel the same about this. That is all. We both LOVE YOU very much, and wish you the best. If you need to talk to us about all this, I ask that we all keep peace among the family.

Love ya Mom and Pop

Weekend

WOW! What a weekend. We got up at 3:50 AM Friday morning and flew out at 6:15 am. Had a layover in Dallas, then on to our destination...DENVER! The mile-high city. I've been here more than a few times. It's one of my favorite places on earth. When you fill out one of those surveys asking if you're a mountain or beach person, I always put both, because I love them equally.

We checked into our hotel--the Stanley. It's the hotel where Stephen King got his inspiration for the Shining. He stayed there after summer season had closed...while the hotel was empty...and wrote his book in 7 days, after his "inspiring" weekend. The first night I was a bit uneasy due to all the ghost talk...and woke up probably 10-15 times in the night at various noises. I told myself it was the elevator or other guests.

We drove through part of the park on Friday afternoon. We ended up hiking about 3.5 miles in the mountains...gasping with every inhalation. That air is so thin!! We had such a great time being in nature together. We got a lot of great photos. We spent the last part of the evening at a clearing where the elk gather to feed. The boys were bugling and the cows were answering back. Sends shivers down my spine. I love it!!

Saturday we spent the entire day in the national park. But not before we gave each other Sweetest Day gifts. I got my girl a new shirt and a card. She got me Starbucks snacks and giftcard plus a very sweet and mushy card. I also got her a little 1-week cessation congrats gift--a new cuff from the Buckle, and a congrats card.

Back to the park....my girl's eyes were as big as quarters most of the day. I loved watching her reaction. It makes one feel very small to be in the middle of these giant mountains. We got to see snow on the ground, and on the mountain peaks. So beautiful.

Saturday night we had dinner at the hotel (waffle fries with blue cheese and bacon) and had several drinks. I drank just enough that when we got back to the room I could easily go to sleep and not worry about any ghosts.

Sunday we ordered room service and watched Castaway from our bed. We ate the best Belgium waffles. We got ready and checked out of the hotel. We had the ghost tour to complete our trip then we were heading home. The ghost tour was actually MUCH better than I had anticipated. First of all I was scared...and second I didn't realize how much history would be imported into the story. If you ever get the chance to go on this tour...GO! Most of the ghost stuff she told seemed too far fetched for me to believe, but who am I to say it wasn't true? If it was true, none of it happened to us while we stayed at the haunted hotel...THANK GOODNESS!! There was a Travel Channel (Ghost Adventures) show airing on the Friday night we were there about the "spooky" hotel...ironic. I have it DVR'd, but haven't watched it yet.

We got home around 11:30 pm and I had to be at work early Monday morning. I was SO sleepy!!! But it was OOOOHHH so worth it. One of the best weekends I've ever had. I'm so glad I got to spend it with my girl, and we got to share this very special place together.

I never thought it would feel like a "special" place again after going with the ex husband. I always felt like certain places were only "ours" and I could never have any of those kinds of feelings with someone else....but that's not true. Estes Park is more special with her than it ever was with him. What makes it that way? True love? Soul mate and wanting to share EVERYTHING with her? Doesn't matter...it's more special, and I'm glad.

Next subject...my sister....I had emailed her a typical email and thrown into that a one line "can my girl come to your house with me for Christmas?"

Her response:

To reply to your question about Christmas, I've given it a lot of thought. While I'm not sure how I would handle it emotionally and I don't know how I would handle things with your niece, those are just a couple concerns. It bothers me to exclude mom and dad. Part of the enjoyment of opening gifts is seeing what everyone else is getting. I think Mom likes seeing what we get each other too. I don't want our family to "split" if we can avoid it. Have you talked to mom about this at all? Maybe because of all the tough situations we've given her to deal with in the past, she is reacting and dealing with everything surprisingly well - better than I do emotionally, in fact.

I've been stewing on this for the past 3 days. It makes me angry. I don't know how to handle it, or what to do. I will take any and all thoughts/opinions. I am not going home for Christmas without my girl. They can view her as my friend, and leave it at that. Period.

My bday is next month and my parents will probably want to see me. I am going to tell them that is fine but my girl WILL be around, whether they choose to come to our house, or go out to dinner. It's NOT an option to exclude her.

I'm tired of dealing with this. I'm tired of pushing. It shouldn't even be an issue. It should simply be how it is, and not talked about.

Cessation

Well, today is the first day. The first full day she won't smoke a cigarette in 17 years, minus the 9 months she temporarily quit years ago. I googled things a spouse can do to help be supportive. I want this to go as smooth as it can. I know it's hard. Actually, I don't. I'm not addicted to anything.

I bought her a bag of 200 dum-dum suckers, you know...the ones you get at the bank. I also bought her a pkg of wax sticks, the little hot glue gun kind. That is what she used before to help her quit. I also bought her a card to stick in her bag on Monday to let her know how much I support her and am proud of her.

We made a plan to stay home Friday night and smoke everything in the house we had. I took a picture of THAT for our kids. lol I've had it since Dr Navy gave it to me 5 years ago. It wasn't the best, but it still worked. She finished her pack of cigarettes, and we drank a ton of vodka. It was a great night at home. We seem to have a lot of those.

I'm planning to take her to the movies tonight. Popcorn is one of her favorite food groups, so I told her it would be a popcorn extravaganza as her "reward" for her first day of quitting smoking. Not sure what movie we're going to see yet.

I hid the ash trays while she was brushing her teeth last night. I also hid the 2 packs of cigarettes she had left in her carton. I'll give those away to someone. I plan to take a walk after we finish dinner next week...that came as recommendation from the website.

I encouraged her to read the chapter about smoking in our baby book, if she got the urge to smoke.

I'm so proud of her. She, surprisingly, put something about doomsday on the social networking site. I think the Wellbutrin is helping. She's got a huge support group. I just hope the crabbiness doesn't get too intense. Monday will be hard for her at work. I will send her a text/email at her usual smoke break times and let her know I'm thinking about her.

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I have been going back and forth about writing on this next subject. It's still in my head, and on my mind, so I might as well get it out.

Nothing bad has ever happened to me. Ever. I've never gotten hurt in a relationship. I've never had my heart broken. I've never lost anyone close to me to an illness or death. I've never had a broken bone. When I think about these things I wonder how I will react when something bad does happen. It's inevitable, right? Is it better to go thru 30 years of my life with no pain, nothing to deal with, nothing to cry about, etc. Or would it have made me stronger, or emotionally healthier to have had some heartache? Who knows. But it scares me. I don't know if it's my age, or just negative nancy setting in, but it's like I'm constantly thinking about this. Not so much WHAT is going to happen, but how will I react? Will I go coo-koo? Will my life experience and observations of other going through hard times eliminate me from going crazy? How will I be? I imagine scenarios.... losing my girl, losing my sister, one of my parents, both, having my heart broken (not so much this one), losing someone in my girls family, experiencing my own trauma, etc. How have I managed to escape this for so long? How long will it last? Why do I even question it, or wonder about it? Is my subconscious or higher-being preparing me for something that is about to happen? Am I the only one with these thoughts? I don't want anything bad to happen...can I go through life with no loss or pain or heartache? I know the grieving process, does that mean I am exempt for the order of what is supposed to happen? Will I recognize it?

Trips

My work trip to NJ got the kibosh earlier this morning. I wasn't as bummed as I had expected. I was looking forward to seeing a new place, but not looking forward to leaving my girl on her last 3 days of smoking. I know this is such a big deal for her, and I want to be here for her. She's going to smoke her last one at 11:59 Friday night. She said it's like losing a best friend. I do not have an addictive personality so I do not know what it would be like to give something up. Maybe had I been a catholic and practiced lent every year, I'd have a better understanding.

We go to Colorado next Friday. I am more than stoked about this trip. I love Colorado. I have been wanting a trip...hear the elk bugle, see the yellow aspens, and smell that clean mountain air. I hope the snow holds off so we can drive in the higher elevations.

We had a wonderful weekend. Her (favorite) (lesbian) aunt came up for part of it. We grilled steaks and then stood by our fire pit til around 2 am talking. It seems we caught up on a lifetime of conversations in one night. My girl talked about her father and sister, which made all of us cry. But I really feel like every time she talks about it, she makes progress. We discussed the aunt and her former girlfriend....her former girlfriend and her new girlfriend...and also a very dear friend to my girl and me who is having an affair. How could she? She was our role model when we were in high school. She even married her long time girlfriend in Canada, they've been together close to 20 years!

I am so ready for a baby. Probably the fantasy of a baby...but still. I'm ready.

My sister asked for my birthday and Christmas wish list. I replied with a few things and then point blank asked her if my girl can come with me to exchange gifts. We'll see how that goes. Not expecting a yes, so maybe I'll be surprised. With all the news and media coverage recently of the deaths I wonder what my parents are thinking, and sister. Do they think it's just another person, or are they actually focusing in on what people are saying about tolerance?

Medicine and Marathon

She started Wellbutrin for smoking cessation last Friday. I worry about her taking it, only because when I took it while going through my divorce, it made me very depressed. I asked her today if she could tell if she was on it, she said she seemed very "blah" about most everything today, including when she couldn't find her lighter on the way home. I've seen her in near panic attacks when she couldn't find her lighter before, so this is huge. She wasn't clingy today like she typically is. I think I was even getting on her nerves. That is something I'm not used to. If I got on someones nerves in my past relationships, they never told me at the time. I suppose that's why I am still up at almost midnight and cannot sleep. She seemed irritated with a lot of what I said or did this evening.

It's going to be so hard to find her something to wear for our wedding.

We did our first half marathon on Saturday. WOW, what an amazing feeling!! 13.1 miles. I have the blisters to prove it. God.Awful.Blisters. They are so bad I even called out of work because I cannot put tennis shoes on without excruciating pain. They have gotten better since Sat but my left heel is still extremely tender. Anyway, back to the race. My girl, her mom, and I entered the race. It began at 7 am and we made the 13.1 miles in 3 hrs 20 min. Our goal was 4 hours, because we were primarily walking it. I ended up jogging a bit just to get pressure off my heels when the blisters started to form. I don't typically keep a 4 mph pace on the treadmill, so I surprised myself in the marathon. We had a great time. Several times throughout the race my endorphins were skyrocketing. It was fabulous, and such an accomplished feeling. After it was over we got our medal, a big silver music note, and all the cookies and Gatorade we could stand. Gosh those were the best cookies in the world!! At mile 8 we received a GU gel packet, I chose strawberry flavor. Yum, I wanted another one!! There were only a couple of times during the race where I really wanted to quit, but in the back of my mind I knew I couldn't. I would just pick the next upbeat song I could find on my ipod and keep walking. I know that if I am ever stranded on a highway that my body will let me walk at least 13.1 miles. Before the race I didn't "know" if I could do it. Now I do. Builds confidence. Now a 5K seems like nothing.

The barn dance at her grandparents farm was Saturday night. We had fun. We danced until around 2:15 am. I finally drank enough I didn't remember if my blisters hurt. ha She and I made the signs for the yard, and they received lots of compliments--made me feel good. Someone brought Halloween Oreos for the dessert table--gosh those things are addictive!

I feel better now. Thanks for listening.

Half Marathon

We signed up for a half marathon months ago...and here it is 3 days before the event. We haven't really trained. I feel like I can walk 13 miles, only based on how I feel after walking 6, not that long ago. I have zero intentions of running any portion of it. We're required to keep a 20 min or better pace per mile, and complete the entire thing in 4.5 hours. I bought some new shoes a few weeks ago, recommended by CT. They are wonderful...little to no break in period. Asics Kayano 16. My girl walked a few evening last week in the Asics I bought her in May for her b-day but they began hurting her feet so she tried on a pair of the Kayano's at a local store and decided to order some online--the store didn't have black. They should arrive tomorrow and our feet should be set with nice shoes and socks on Saturday morning.

After the race we must rush to get ready and head to my girls family farm. It's time, once again, for the big barn dance. This is the 5th year they have done this. So much fun...imagine a metal barn with a concrete floor...disco ball hung by the rafters and Christmas lights strung to each corner. The lean-to off the edge of the barn has hay strewn and tables set up for food and drinks. We'll all gather under the disco ball and lights for an evening of dancing and drinking til the wee hours of the morning. We had a ton of fun last year and expect nothing less this time around. We're tossing around the idea of setting up a small tent in her grandparents yard so we won't have to drive to the lake house after drinking. It would be back roads rarely maintained by the police, but still, I'd rather be safe.

We booked a weekend get away to Colorado in Oct with our Orbitz credit. Flying into DEN and renting a car (Priceline is so the way to go!!) to drive up to Estes Park for two nights. We're staying at the hotel where the Shining was filmed. Thankfully I don't watch scary movies and have no clue why this place is so eerie. Maybe I'll wiki the hotel AFTER we return and get the scoop. I plan to spend most of our time in the Nat'l Park listening to the elk bugling and looking at the breathtaking beauty of the snowcapped peaks.

I keep forgetting we're going to Mexico in November. When you book a trip almost a year out, it's hard to remember. It will also be hard to put away sweatshirts and pack sundresses and bikinis.

I'll be 32 soon. Within the next 3 years I will have a full fledged family....I hope. KIDS!

I love my girl...we are so sweet to each other. We leave notes for each other every single day. We try to each lunch with each other as many times as week as possible. We want to spend our evenings together, doing anything. It's still hard to get things done...who wants to do laundry in the evening when that time could be spent walking with her, or hanging out on our porch, or watching tv?

Goodnight.

xoxo

Timeline

Friday night I got off work unexpectedly two hours early. I stopped by BK and grabbed a chicken sandwich and made my way home. My girl and I chatted awhile and I suggested we have a drink. A drink turned into several, and we also found ourselves listening to radio tv stations and dancing. We had the BEST night at home acting like goof-balls. Making up dance moves and turning each other on with our best sexiest impressions. Gosh she's hot when she dances.

We went to see Natalie Merchant Saturday night. I have been wanting to see her since high school. Tigerlily was "our" CD. We would make out in my girls bedroom while it played, not having a clue what the lyrics meant. We didn't care. There was passion and feeling and innocent teenage hormones raging between us. The first set of the concert was her new CD which are poems she has set to music. We really enjoyed her arrangements. She's so lively on stage. Uninhibited by anything it seems. She exudes a sensual exhibitionism. Very sultry and sexy and yet dressed like someone from the 50s or 60s. I had a couple of nostalgic moments thinking back when we used to stare in each others eyes while listening to that CD. I think I turned 17 for a moment again. Wait, I'm not 17 anymore? Sure feels like it sometimes.

We have been discussing a timeline for wedding and insemination. My girl has not hidden the fact she wants more time for "us" before bringing a baby into the world. We both know a baby will steal our time from each other. We know it's selfish. We both want as much alone time as possible before 35 years old. We would like to have birthed our kids by 35 because of the high-risk potential. So rather than June of next year we have pushed it back 6 months to Jan 2012. It seems to have made all the difference to her, and it also makes me breathe a sigh of relief not to be so rushed, or pushed for financial means by next June. Having a baby in a non-conventional way can add up, especially if you don't get knocked up on your first try. So as it stands right now...wedding ceremony in Vermont Aug 6, 2011. Try for baby Jan 2012. Then, if all goes well, "I" will start the insem process the following January and hopefully have a baby before my 35th birthday in November 2013.

Today is my mothers birthday. She and dad are coming here tomorrow for a doctor appointment. I sent her an email last week asking if she would like to meet up. She said she would and they will call after the appt and we can have a meal together. This will be the first time I have seen them face to face since my letter to them. It will be hard to not incorporate my girl into most conversations, but I cannot "hide" her, or us. They do not have to acknowledge anything, but I will not go out of my way to hide my life. When do I ask them if she can come over for the holidays? Much closer to Christmas, unless they bring it up I'm thinking.

I want to take a western US trip. Yosemite? Southwest US? Glacier? Oregon? Colorado? Not quite sure, but I want to start planning it. It will be good for us. One last Thelma and Louise style party before kids. Only 2 more months until we go to Mexico. It's going to be here before I realize it, I keep forgetting about it!

We bought a basal thermometer today at Walgreens. A feeling of "wow" overcame me while we were on that aisle. I love her more than I did a year ago...and I didn't think that was possible. This time next year, I will be married. My ex husband got remarried. Maine. I saw his pic on his wifes FB. He looks old. He looks happy. All I see is someone I once knew. No feelings. No regrets of leaving. Distant memories and they become more faded with each year. I sometimes appreciate what time does for a situation.

Holy Gyno

We went to the doctor yesterday. Pap went fine. She told my girl she has a small birth canal, said it has nothing to do with hip size, has more to do with the bones around your pubis. Told her to just have it in the back of her mind a section might be a possibility. Told her to quit smoking...got a prescription for Wellbutrin. Oct 1 is the tentative quit date. I am behind her 200% on this. After reading in what to expect before you are expecting about what smoke/2nd hand can do to eggs as far as age them, I've not had one cigarette. I want another one...and will probably have one, or a cigar at the end of September when my girl's family barn party is happening.

She told her to start tracking her temperature everyday, starting with day 1 of her cycle. She told her she could get an ultrasound around day 15 of her next cycle and we'll look at follicles. She said we can order man in a can from any cryo bank we'd like to and have it shipped to her office. She said the success rate of being inseminated in her office vs doing it at home is much higher. But said if we'd rather do it at home, she can get us a kit for that, too.

I asked if we could make this "romantic" in any way. She said after she shoots the swimmers up she will leave tilt her pelvis up for about 20 min and we are welcome to use that time to do whatever we need/want. She said just not to tell the hospital IF we bring candles in...yes, I mentioned doing that. I want this to be as "special" as it can be, given the circumstances.

After evaluating her ultrasound and temperature for a few months she will decide if my girl needs Clomid (fertility drugs to regulate ovulation). She said chances of twins goes up 15%, and she is NOT a fan of twins. I'm not either, actually! I am not sure if I would give birth if my girl had two kiddos. Cross that bridge later. She wants her to start pre-natal vitamins at the first of the year.

As she walked out of the room the doctors last words were "lets get you gal pregnant!!" How lucky are we to find such a positive, alternative lifestyle friendly doctor. Her husband, who is in the same office, is the doctor who will deliver. She tells us he loves helping gay people get pregnant. She is from San Fran, so I am thinking that helps our situation.

So after I saw on the ex's social networking site he was living in a new city, I asked my girl to look at his blog and see for certain. I have not read his blog since last August. She had never looked at it. She read a few posts and said yes he has moved. She kept reading. I asked her to stop, and she did. But not before we started a discussion about his new happiness. I cannot remember verbatim the exact way she worded it but it led me to believe he is happier than he has ever been. She mentioned his trip with new gf to Vegas, which I knew. And it got brought up about him having a better time with her, than me. And then the conversation moved into if he had a better sexual compatibility with her than me. I began crying, which elicited questions of why do I still care?

I don't care about him per say, but I told her if would hurt my feelings if he was putting it online that his new life partner was better in bed than his last gf. My girl doesn't seem to understand why it would bother me if he said that. And all this is hypothetical but I do not know for a fact that he has even said anything close to this. I am not reading his blog, nor will I. I want to...out of sheer nosiness, but I won't let myself because it will become an obsession. I'm not opening myself up to that. I told my girl that even in 20 years if he wrote that someone else was better in bed than me, it would still hurt my feelings due to the sensitivity of that subject between he and I. Oil and water as CT said it. Oil and water...thats what we were. Looking back, in most areas of our relationship. I do hope he is happy, but am a bit surprised he would move in with someone, move north, and move in with someone who has a kid. I am hoping he has found happiness and someone compatible with him. And I hope he learned enough from our relationship to walk away and form a more healthy one. I know I sure did.

Anyway, my girls says there's something still there since I teared up talking about him/the situation the other night. I told her it was because of our sexual issues...and how much that hurt and gave me a scar, and she just peeled the scab off a little. I know I shouldn't discuss things like that with her, but she's my best friend, and sometimes its hard to just vent to other friends about things like that. I don't want anyone to think I've still got something for him, but I even ask myself...why, after over a year am I still writing about something that deals with him?

MIRL

I began blogging about 4 years ago, when I was introduced to this foreign sphere, by the ex. I began commenting and receiving comments. I loved it! I met new people, was introduced to new religions, cultures, personalities, etc. What a mind opening experience! Speaking of mind-opening, we went to a drag show this weekend where drag "kings" came out. I've never seen that before!

Back to the subject. A regular blogger (niksbrain--what I think about) asked me about a year ago what I thought about meeting up with her while she is in town for a writers conference. I had read enough of her blog I felt I "knew" her well enough to welcome her into our home. She began her blog as a way to communicate with her husband as he was deployed in Iraq. As it drew closer to her arrival we began emailing more and more, etching last minute details. I felt even more comfortable letting her stay. About a week before her arrival I looked at the writers conference website...a conference for people who have written books about....SERIAL KILLERS. I told my girl and her mother. They had concerned expressions, but left it in my hands to "trust" Nik.

She arrived on Thursday afternoon where I picked her up from the airport. We took her to dinner that evening where she enjoyed fried southern catfish for the first time. Friday and Saturday she spent all day at her writers conference. Friday evening my girl made us pasta bake for dinner and we hung at home. Saturday night we grilled steaks then went out to the local gay bar. What fun! The drag show was good as usual, and the 2 drag kings were quite entertaining, too. I'm not sure how I feel about them, well drag queens, either. I mean it confuses the hell out of me. I don't think I could ever fantasize about any one in drag. It's just not my thing, but I am entertained by them! I am so thankful I was born pleased with my gender. What a struggle that must be. It's already an albatross being attracted to men and women...I cannot begin to imagine not feeling like a woman inside and out. Altho, I'm thinking of dressing up like a man for Halloween. Our gay friend tells me I'll never pull it off. We'll see...

We went to the dance side of the club after the show and shook our tail feathers for a bit. Nik got asked to dance, and we are thinking by a straight guy. He began groping her and my girl had to save her. We left not long after that. Just weird. You would think a straight girl in a gay bar couldn't get any safer, right?

Sunday we slept late while Nik finished her conference up. We let her borrow our vehicle the whole weekend, too. I figure if anything happened we've got good insurance, and it'll take care of itself. Of course she promised a million times she is a good driver, and she undoubtedly is. Sunday afternoon she wanted to grab some souvenirs for her kids and hubster. We went downtown and walked around, going in the tourist shops. So funny how we live here and never knew what was available. We dropped into Coyote Ugly, its one of her fav movies, and mine too, for that matter! We got a few cocktails then made our way back up to the BBQ joint where live music was playing. Yummy-food! Their pulled chicken sandwich was delightful, and a raspberry margarita, too! We came back to the house and watched football the rest of the evening and I took her to the airport this morning where she flew safely back to Minnesota. You betcha!! We got a kick out of each others accents. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings when I told her she sounded a bit like Sarah Palin. I love her accent, just not much on views.

It was a pleasure to MIRL another blogger. I've checked another one off my list. Now if I could just get M & L down here to Nashville for a girls weekend!! And of course I'd love to hang out with Cindy and Jordan more.

All this blogger talk got my girl to wondering what it's all about. I noticed her googling blogs and what they consist of what people do here. Funny how I really don't want her to start one. I have always told her she can come here and read but to never get mad at anything I might post. I don't think I've written anything that would upset her, especially of late. But I have also asked one reader if she thinks I might cushion my words in fear of her SOMEDAY coming here. I honestly don't think I do. We don't fight at all, and if we argue, I am usually over it before I could even compose a blog post. Oh don't get me wrong, I have my annoyances...but I am learning to love those and respect them. Besides I could never fill a box of 100 things that annoy me about you. Wouldn't that be horrible? I think I would need to evaluate our situation if that were the case!!

In my last post M asked more about us carrying babies. My girl wants to carry one, and I want to carry one. We go to the doctor tomorrow and began the process of "what to do". I have a list of questions in my cell phone to ask. Mainly about Clomid fertility, the cost, ordering fertility from out of the country, about the actual conception process. I want to light candles and make it romantic in the doctors office. Is that weird? Also going to see what she recommends for her to use to quit smoking. I really hope she says no chantix! I would prefer she try wellbutrin or the patch. I just hear horror stories about chantix!

I have asked my girl WHY she wants to carry our first child. I didn't want a "just because" kind of answer. I wanted thought, and reasoning. She said she felt if I went first, then she wouldn't receive the TLC she is hoping for while pregnant. I thought I would have had a more selfish reaction to that, but I felt good about her honesty. I know when it comes my turn she will be taking care of the baby, and me, but I think in her head, she feels "stronger", and more capable. I made a comment about her not thinking I could handle taking care of a baby AND her, but she said that's not it at all. I suppose she has a chivalrous way about her that most outsiders would say "she's the guy" in that relationship. I've tried to not look at gay people like that, but sometimes it does seem two butch people never hook up or two femme's don't. One seems to be a bit more masculine than the other. It's just how it is. I'm not attracted to femme type girls AT ALL.

Anyway, her reason is enough for me. It also buys me more time with my co-workers. I hate having to hide my sexual orientation, but it's just a fact of how it is. I suppose I am giving people plenty of time so that when they do officially "know" I can say...I'm the same person you've always known.

We have discussed WHEN I would get pregnant. Probably 3-6 months after our first child is born. I am really pushing to either be preggers or have a baby in my 35th year. I don't want to be in high-risk, but it may not can be helped. Hopefully with the fertility drugs, it will make the process go quicker. My mother was fertile myrtle, so I'm hoping that passed down to me.

I emailed a pastor of a church I have considered attending. I asked if they are gay friendly. No response yet. Will keep you posted on that.

We started reading Jenny McCarthy's book about childbirth. It is freaking hilarious!! She doesn't hold anything back. Funny stuff...but scary!!

This is my blog so I can justify saying anything I want here....I saw on the ex's social networking site where his current city is close to Chicago. If he has indeed moved, I am shocked. I never thought he would move for a girl, and I never thought he would move for a girl that has a kid. He hates cold weather and kids. If he has moved there, I hope he is happy. Gosh I was so miserable with him, why couldn't I see it?

And why do people have to be so damn happy on social networking sites? If you are that happy do you have to post it every 5 minutes? How do you have time to be happy if you are constantly on social networking sites posting about how happy you are? Maybe social networking makes some people THAT giddy! lol But I really don't want to hear how your organic coffee enema makes you think positive all day long and nothing can go wrong. Bite my big toe, please.

The Perfect Day

We had the most perfect day Sunday. Our 1 year anniversary. 1 year since we decided to be exclusive, even though she was still several weeks from moving here. We stood in her grandmothers driveway with the only light coming from the security light from a few yards away made promises to each other.

I planned a few surprises for her. First I booked an all day spa for us. We arrived at 11 am got 1 hour couples massages followed by a soak in the LED lit infinity tub (OH MY GAWD!). Next we went our separate ways to hour long facials. We came back together for lunch where I had paid for a private dining area and they brought in food from a local bread store. They served us wine with our meal. So good!! Last we had couples pedicures where I almost feel asleep from the calf rub. In between each treatment we chose to go to their relaxation room. One was a dark room with lights on the ceiling that resembled the night sky with stars. But our favorite was the projection screen room with clouds floating by and while we laid on luxurious sofas and cuddled. The spa was SUPER gay-friendly, I made sure of that before I booked it. Several couldn't believe I asked that question, but I called a few places that were not as receptive.

I also bought her a new Flip MinoHD camera and recorded my own video telling her what her surprise was. She loved it! She's a gadget girl, so I knew that would be a hit. I also got a leather jar and typed up 100 reasons why I love her and cut each of them up like a fortune cookie paper. She cried when I gave her that and told me it was the sweetest gift anyone has ever given her. I also made her a CD of songs that remind me of her. I am a sucker for Hallmark so I bought her 3 special cards to give her through-out the day. I'm a hopeless romantic...I love it!

My girl had me fresh (gorgeous) flowers in the most beautiful vase I've ever received. Along with a bag with a photo frame and picture of us taken 1 year ago. It was when she was leaving to go back home the weekend we became exclusive. Her mom snapped a photo of us in the departure lane of the airport. We went inside to print her boarding pass and looked up to see "FLIGHT CANCELLED". We started squealing like little girls and felt overwhelmingly excited. I can still remember that feeling. On the back of the photo she gave me Sunday she described that moment in time so perfect and it made me cry remembering that day. She also gave me the sweetest card with a long handwritten part that meant the world to me. She took me to dinner that evening at Macaroni Grille. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day together. She means everything to me, and I am looking forward to our lives together.

I've been searching for the perfect place to get married next year. Think I've found it. Check out Simon Pearce website and click restaurants. Thinking about the Vermont location. It's breathtakingly beautiful. I spoke with their event coordinator today and she gave me the warm and fuzzies talking about it. PLUS it's in our budget. That's the biggie!! Oh and if we do a wedding registry with them we get 2 free SP champagne flutes!! That's worth several $$!!

She's going to the gyn in 2.5 weeks. Going to discuss fertility drugs, babies, and time frames. WOW so much going on!!

She promised her mom she would take her on a cruise after she graduated college last year. We are looking to do that in March of 2011. A 3 day Bahama cruise. Think we can go for around $300 a person plus flights and drinks. I need about 6 months of people hurting their backs and needing surgery. Horrible, isn't it?

Dream

I wonder if people can will themselves into my dreams? Had a dream about Dr Navy last night. It basically came down to a decision of being with him or my girl. I would have never played out that scenario in my awake head. I have not thought of him in days, or weeks even. Why did he appear? Why is he in my subconscious?

I often try to tell myself what to dream about before falling asleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Still nothing from my parents. My girl keeps encouraging me to write an ice breaker email just so they know we don't have to talk about anything gay related. She is probably right, I'm just too stubborn right now. I feel like I wrote them an email and it is only polite for them to respond NEXT, even if they don't bring it up. Of course I am sure they feel pressure to bring it up if they respond first. I do not want to have to bring it up again, but I know that is inevitable. The way I have been feeling for the past few weeks, I do not want to go home for birthdays/holidays unless my girl can go with me. My girl says cross that bridge when I get there, and deal with it then. But who wants another week of silence/pouting from them?

We were watching the real L word last night and one of the girls on that show has gone 5 years without talking to her mother about anything gay related. Her patience is wearing thin, I can only imagine. If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't they want some consideration?

Prop 8 is another step in our direction. We will see what the appeals do for the issue. I can only hope something positive. Wouldn't a Calif wedding be great. Of course this will still be tied up in court this time next year, and we want a wedding next Aug.

Looking to start trying for babies in June 2011. Yep. So excited.

This Sunday marks our 1 yr anniversary. I got her a Flip Mino HD and a couples-day at the spa. Hope she likes it. I'm going to write 100 things I love about her and give it to her in a decorative jar. Also make her a CD of songs that make me think of her. I have no clue what she got me, but I think she's having a difficult time finding it based on what she has told me. More news after Sunday :)

Have a good weekend

They Don't Have to Be Blood To Be Family

This was a text I received today. So very true. I feel I have more non-blood family. No response on the letter, and I emailed my bro-in-law this am and he says mom has told my sister she has no intentions of replying. He says my sister will probably reply to me, when she has time. School just started back this week (she's a teacher) so I'm low in priority.

I've been reflecting back on times I remember the subject of being attracted to girls came up. One in particular comes to mind. I was at my then-best friends house, our husbands probably playing video games or talking about hunting season. My then-best friend has a gay brother. I always felt an extra connection to her because of that. I always wanted to be considered family-friendly. I was sitting in my bf's bedroom and told her I had asked husband if he and her husband had ever done anything sexually. She burst into laughter at that. I eluded that I had an attraction to a girl in high school. Not sure how she took it. I wanted to tell her so badly about my girl and what we had on/off the 4 years of high school.

I remember always wanting to be extra nice to gay people. I think I wanted someones gaydar to pick up on something in me. It never happened. It usually shocks people. It's neither here nor there, just a feeling I always had. If I felt the subject could be talked about, I feel I tried to give off hints that I had been with a girl before. Some times for male attention, some times for gay attention.

I always wanted people to know.

It bothers me that my parents haven't responded. Friends say no response is a good thing. It's better than replying with scriptures, or damning me to hell. It's better than replying in rage or fear and saying something that would burn a bridge. Surely a grandbaby will change things, but until then...will they want it to just go back to how it was? I'm tired of my girl not being able to go with me to their house. It'll be awkward the next time I'm around them. Mom's birthday is Aug 30th so I've got awhile to prepare before I will be around them.

Wishing the car dealership guy would call. I'm hoping we can trade. Looking at a 4Runner. Keeping fingers crossed on that one.

My girls mom is staying with us about a week. She had a body lift today. Major plastic surgery, in my opinion. She'll be in bandages for weeks. No shower for 3 days. It will be nice to have here stay, she's very cool. I couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law. My girls entire family is the exact same way. They don't see gender as a barrier. Live and let live, love and be loved.

Came Out

I came out to my parents in an email last night. I have not gotten a response. But, it was a big thing for me. A big big day. July 26th. It was a year to the day when I broke up with the ex-boyfriend. Coincidence? Not sure. But I felt like I couldn't go on until I emailed, much in the same way I felt I couldn't go on staying with him.

This is what I sent to my parents. I felt good after I sent it but have had some oh my gosh moments today. It ran across my mind what if my parents did something stupid or crazy after reading it. How would I handle that? That I was the one to push them over the edge? I cannot think about those things.

Mom and Dad

Hello. I called and talked to dad for awhile today. Letting him know we made it back from Chicago safely. We had a wonderful time with T. She's an awesome hostess. We had a great time at the Cubs game. Saturday we went to the BMX Dew Tour. I wasn't sure what that was but my girl wanted to go. Turned out to be a lot of fun! I think we may have even been on NBC Sports on tv!! It's guys who ride bicycles and do tricks on dirt and also metal ramps. It was very cool. But the weather wasn't. It was SUPER hot on Saturday but cooled off nicely on Sunday. Enough we got coffee to walk around with. I wish I had more time to spend in Chicago. There's so much to do there! Would love to go back to Shedd Aquarium and the science museum.

N (T's mom) was super sweet. She called to check in on us several times to make sure we were doing alright and having fun. T told me it was okay to tell you that she is gay, too. T told me that N (her mom) knows about her, and me. Like most families, it's just not talked about often or discussed. She came out to her mom years ago, and wishes she would have had an opportunity to tell her grandmother. She says her grandmother was a very open minded person and accepting of everyone and she would have been someone T could have opened up to more freely. She was scared to be the first to bring it up. I guess that's part of the reason for this email....I'm bringing it up. I want you to feel like you can ask me any questions you might have, but at the same time, not open the door for bigotry or condemnation. I would never ask for you to condone my lifestyle, but I want you, dad, sister, and the rest of the family to be a part of my whole life.

There are a few things I feel I need to get off my chest. I have known about my sexuality since high school. I tried to do what was "right" in the eyes of others, but was never truly happy (you don't know how unhappy you were until you find true happiness). Ex husband knew about my attraction to females. I think it was always a fear of his that I would leave him because of it. He said he would never talk about it with anyone, hence, why it was never brought up during the divorce. You know that I cared for ex husband, but there was always something missing with him.

You are probably ashamed of me, and would never confirm or share with any of the family, and I understand that. I can only ask for tolerance and acceptance and a continued relationship with you and dad. Your acceptance means more to me than you will ever know. I have not told you this information before (and even lied to dad about it) because I am so very fearful that the door between us will be shut. I know you have always wanted me to do the "right thing" but I really need you to know that this is the right thing for me. It is not a choice.

I know you must struggle with the spiritual aspect of this, as did I. We could argue for eternity about who is right and who is wrong but that is not the point of any of this. You can't change my mind (because I honestly believe it's not a choice) and I am not looking to change your mind. I also know you probably have fear of me losing my job, public ridicule, or worse, but in my circles, I have a multitude of supportive friends, and family. All I am asking for is your love and support, to be honest, I need it.

I know sister mentioned to you the possibility of us having children someday. I never wanted children until I turned 30 and I suppose the right age and the right person in my life makes that something that I want now. It won't happen tomorrow, but we are looking at beginning the process next fall. We would like to have a ceremony next summer and then start trying for babies. It's a daunting process that I will be glad to share with you, if you want to know, and would like for you to be a part of. All of our closest friends and my girl's family know about our plans.

I know this is a lot, and I apologize for laying it all on you at once. I don't want any more secrets or wondering and quite honestly I have been wanting to share this with you for some time. I understand this all might take some time to process. I am leaving the door open to any questions or discussions you may want to have. I am the same sonofapreacherman23/daughter you have always known. My biggest fear is your rejection, and your rejection of my family. You are my parents, I love you, and I want you to be a part of my life.

sonofapreacherman23

I was a bitch

The weekend started off rough because my sister and I got in a little tiff. We have never had cross words and she is in her early 40s and very hormonal right now. Long story, and a silly one at that, but she got a little upset at me because I told a girl she went to high school with that Facebook is not important to her. My sister feels like I am pressuring her to text and get on Facebook. She refuses to do either. I defensively told her I wouldn't ever bring it up again. We are ok now, but I was so upset, and took some of it out on my girl. Plus B's aunt J's ex girlfriend and I had a conversation on Thursday about us staying at the lake house that upset me. She was at the lake all week and was leaving Thursday afternoon I asked her to leave the air on because we would be getting there Friday night and it would be HOT in there otherwise. She said she didn't want to. She isn't even the one who pays the electric bill!!! She said a few other things about us staying down there, and my girl got really pissed. After being a bitch and acting immature, I told B I just wanted to go home where I felt better. I took everything out on my girl...and this is something I need to work on. We ended up staying at my girls grams, which was good, I am comfortable there. Sunday was a much better day, but of course, the end of the weekend. I felt bad because I caused my girl to have a not so great weekend, but hopefully she has forgiven me :)

We watched the Blind Side, loved the movie but didn't bawl and squall as some had predicted. We rode 4-wheelers on Sunday, which I haven't done in years. Love it!!

Still waiting on the wedding packet to come from the place in Connecticut. We discussed attire again last night. Thinking white pants and white shirt for her, but it will need to be a relaxed fit, maybe linen?

She's going to sky dive. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. I want her to do it NOW rather than after kids get here. It's not an option at that point.

I need to call my insurance company and get life insurance.

Our anniversary is 8/8. I've made plans. Hope she likes them. It will be almost the entire day. She doesn't read this blog but just in case, I will refrain from posting here what I'm going to do.

Anybody have a FLIP video camera? Reviews? Saw one on the real L word a few weeks ago and loved it. Gosh I love that show, I'm addicted to it!!

Chicago this weekend, can't wait. May rent a car. Would like a Hybrid Prius. We'll see.

Also going to do a surprise the last Fri night of this month. Our local science center has a laser show in their planetarium. They are doing Michael Jackson music this month. I think she will enjoy it. I saw the Beatles laser show last year and it was very cool. Probably better with some drugs, but then I would probably forget the show completely.

Need to book Boston.

Weight watchers is going great. I should do a blog to track my weight loss but my excel file will have to do for now. I've never been this big in my life, and until I am preggers, I don't want to ever be again. I can testify WW does work. It's hard work keeping up with points but so worth it come Monday morning weight in time. It's also nice my girl and I can encourage each other.

I hope she talks to her gram soon about our wedding. I want to get to planning it. It will take me a year, even as simple as it's going to be.

Got a blogger friend coming to stay in Aug. Excited to meet her.

Going to see Natalie Merchant in Aug, too.

Very very busy. Never been happier. Wish my family could see how happy I am.

Tattoo

My sister tells me that my mom mentioned knowing I have a tattoo. I had sent her some family vacation photos in May. The minute I hit "SEND" I told my girl "OH MY GOSH THERE IS ONE OF MY TATTOO SHOWING!!" My sister said mom didn't ask what it is or any questions about it other than wondering if I sent it intentional or if I forgot about it when I sent the photos. It was defiantly the latter. I don't care if she asks me about it, but I am guessing she isn't going to. My parents are being oddly pleasant. Still wondering how to tell them about grandbabies. I am thinking I should wait til closer to time. We have an appt for the gyn in August (had to reschedule from July). There are several things on the agenda to talk about. My girl quitting smoking. Then if we want to inseminate at home vs office. When to start tracking ovulation. Fun stuff!!

Her Aunt and Her Ex

We were sitting around the lake cabin over the holiday and my girls aunt said "B" is wanting to come for a visit. She wants to see gram/pops. My girl said "uhhh....why? she never wanted to come when we were together, why would she want to come now?" Her aunt said "I don't know, I thought might bring her down here". Well, that's all it took. I could feel the heat rise to my face. After her aunt was distracted I looked at my girl and basically said WTF? She said she didn't know, and she didn't like it either.

I told her I have no problem if her aunt wants to be friends with the ex, but why in hell would she want to bring her back around the family? She was never close to any of them. I realize now that the ex has moved within 2 hours of us she probably has few friends, but my girls family does not need to be her saving grace for a social scene.

We have discussed it several times and my girl thinks much like me that this is a game. She thinks the ex will flake out and not show up. Much like she did to the basketball tourney back in the spring, where she ended up stiffing my girls aunt for $90 for tix she never used, and sharing a hotel room. That has nothing to do with me, but it does show how flakey she can be.

I keep telling my girl that a negative response to the ex, is still a response. I honestly think that's what she is looking for. She knows it will push my buttons, even if it didn't push my girls. Maybe she thinks it will cause problems for us, and that is enough satisfaction for her. I wonder if when my girl and the ex were together if this same situation had risen, how would the ex have responded/behaved?

I am glad my girl doesn't want to be friends with the ex. It comes with the territory that most exes (lesbians) remain friends after a break-up. I don't get it, and don't think I even want to. Over means over and I will say as long as I live. There is no room for an ex in your current life, unless there are children involved. If they were so damn wonderful you want them as a friend, then you can have them, but you won't have ME, too. Maybe I am burned because my ex-boyfriends are not friends with me.

Next subject, her aunt. I have a tendency to always WANT to be right. I feel like I am right most of the time, and when I am wrong it is worse than a bee sting to admit it. Why, I have no clue. It's just a fact. We got home from our holiday weekend and were laying in bed about to go to sleep when my girl told me she had read a yahoo article about ways to keep check your relationship is on the right track. She said the first one was that you don't always have to be right. Both people can be wrong. She said to me "you don't have to be like (AUNT), and always be right". I think it has bothered me all week. I haven't said anything to her about it. I just feel like I was brought down off my pedestal a little bit. I know how other family members feel about this aunt and how she treats others. I love her to death but she is much like Weezer on Steel Magnolias. Just crotchety and ill half the time. It's funny...but it's truly who she is. Maybe I took it a little personal and thought she meant I am like her in a lot of ways rather than just thinking I am always right. I guess the name-calling is what has taken my breath away. She wasn't mean at all when she said it, but when she called me (AUNT), I just said "OUCH" really loud inside. Admitting I am not always right is going to be hard, and I must learn how to say "yes, i was wrong". It hurts to type it, I cannot imagine saying it.

Garbage

I cleaned out a closet the other night. I found a small pink garbage bag full of Dr. Navy memorabilia. I threw it all away. I started to keep a wish box he once gave me from Alaska but I couldn't do it. If it keep anything it means nothing more than I cannot let go, and I truly let go along time ago. He did give me something he grew on his farm...and I told my girl about it. It's sitting in an Altoids box upstairs.

If I never talk to him again, it is ok. Our letters were so silly. Looking back I know why I fell for him, but I shouldn't have fallen as hard as I did. I should have learned earlier on that he would never leave his wife for me. He stayed for her, and the kids, as he should have. I found a lot of his letters humorous. It makes me wonder how much thought into writing them. They seemed superficial. They seemed hurried.

Back on the home front, life is going well. We talk about kids. We discuss our fears. We discuss eye color. We discuss if they are ugly, if they don't behave in public. I woke up with a fear earlier this week what if I die during child birth and leave her with 2 kids to raise. That scares me, really bad.

I feel like I live in a perfect world minus some social situations. We can waste an entire day laying in bed together. It amazes me that I've never been with anyone who could do that. Someone who can cuddle on the couch for hours. Stare into each others eyes and reach into one anothers soul. I've never felt like this about anyone before.

I wish she would quit smoking. She says she will.

We moved her mom last weekend. She gave my girl some things from her sister who got killed in a car wreck when she was 16. And also some things of my girls father, who died almost 2 years after her sister. Such a tragedy. She seemed pleased to get things that will help her remember them. She put flowers on their graves about a month ago. It was the first time she had been there since their funerals years ago. It did her good. God I love that girl and would give anything to take away that pain. It's unbearable pain. I feel it from her...I want to take it away. I know it's impossible. I have felt sometimes I was involved in a former life with the entire situation. I have no clue how...but I feel SOMETHING. Nothing bad...maybe that I am meant to help her heal, or deal, or who the fuck knows. I just know I am supposed to be here for her, and part of the reason is beacuse of her past. I cannot believe I just typed that.

Vacation was good. A few people got on my nerves but other than those few times it was awesome. What an incredible feeling to be surrounded by family who do not care that you are sleeping with their daughter/granddaughter/niece/cousin downstairs under the same roof as them. They probably choose not to think of it THAT way, but none the less they are truly inspiring and a VERY loving family.

Looking forward to Chicago in July. Hoping to go to a few lesbian clubs. We have been to some gay bars in Chicago, San Fran, and Vegas but they are mostly all guys. There's one lez club in Nashville but it's TINY. We always run into a few guys we don't care for there. The gay community here is large, yet small.

Would like to start trying for a baby next fall/winter. I'd also like to take a western trip next summer. Not sure if she can swing that and also her family vacation in the same year. Also have Mexico in November. I love to travel, and glad she does, too.

I love her...my wife, and my very best friend. Oh and I wanna go to one of the 6 states where we can get married. I think we could do that for a weekend trip. Need to do more research.

I'm happy.

Got It All Out

I think I got it all out...most of it anyway. Its not a matter of me not liking her best friend, it's a matter of her best friend being a bitch to me when we went to visit her. I wish things were different. I wish I liked her best friend. I wish she had not been mean to me.

If you end up going to see her to buy that vehicle I am not going. I refuse to subject myself to that torture again. Yes being with my girl would be great but I don't want to go thru Round 2 of the same scenario.

I don't think you would stand up to her for me. That hurts me to say. I wish I knew you would. Why didn't your ex like your best friend either. This is 2 for 2 now.

If that guy came around would you stand up to your best friend and say NO, I don't want him around? I'm not so sure you would. Would you tell me the truth about him coming around? I know you would do that, but would I just have to live with it?

I don't mind your best friend coming here, to deliver the vehicle, but this is OUR house. So if we have to go by their rules when we are at THEIR house, the same applies in ours. If I want to run my noise machine at night, I will do that.

I will never forget BS telling me she hadn't seen you act like this about someone SINCE E (best friend/ex gf from long ago). I know there is nothing romantic there, but there is history. There seems to be an untouchable aspect about her. Is it loyalty? Is it all in my head and I'm just imagining it?

Why has the thought even gone thru my head that you would get back with her, ever? I know as well as the sun is coming up that will never happen. So why did the thought come in? Fear? I suppose. I don't want any fear. I want a fearless relationship.

I know what my girls insecurities are, and she knows mine. I don't want to find myself playing off HER insecurities.

I'm glad the best friend doesn't live here, she's 700 miles away. And maybe someday I will not feel this way.

Keeping it Quiet

I made a conscious effort not to talk about the ex with my girl. She views me talking about him as still wanting him or missing him. It's not that at all, it's me having my eyes opened more each day as to how unhealthy my relationship with him was. It doesn't happen often but sometimes situations arise and I have a knee-jerk reaction expecting HER to have the same type reaction that he did. She is NOTHING like him, not even close. I am loving the simplicity of her. I am loving that the things she is addicted to do not affect OUR relationship like his gaming did. I love that she can spend an entire weekend away from her computer, phone, and entertainment. The longer I am away from HIM (9 months now) the more I see how ridiculous I was to stay with him. I never regretted getting married and spending that 10 years with my ex husband, but I am starting to have feelings of regret about the ex. I wish I had not gotten so serious with him. I wish I had not let him taint my thinking. He had me convinced there was no such thing as forever...and maybe in retrospect there was no such thing as forever WITH HIM. He had me convinced I didn't have friends. When we argued there was no discussion, it was him yelling and him being right, and not listening to what I had to say. It's not like that with her. We don't ever fight but if we do argue we both listen and we both try to resolve it in a manner where it's not something that will come up again. I don't think I can attribute it solely to us being female and knowing how to communicate better than male/female, because I don't have any girl friends that I can communicate with the way I do with her. She and I have a soul mate connection that goes beyond spark and passion. It feels beyond myself and beyond human in some ways. As if I'm taken to another place, another realm. I'm not sure where it is, or what it is, but I have never experienced it before.

I have never looked forward to life more than I do now. All the hopes and dreams and wishing...every day with her is special. Time is going TOO fast for us. I never thought I would be with anyone again and say the words FOREVER, but now there is no other option. Divorce, separating, settling is NOT an option. She is my forever. She makes me want to LIVE. I've never been one to talk about taking my life but there were MANY times in my last relationship where I would have loved to disappear. Just to get away from HIM and how he made me feel. If I could somehow demonstrate how OPPOSITE being with her is, I would. It is literally night and day.

Maybe someday I will not even think about him anymore. Not that he consumes much of my thoughts now, but if I do think of him, it's negative now. Even the positives--vacations/birthdays/gifts...they all have a negative twist to them in my head. Nothing about that relationship was right...or should have been.

I wish after my divorce I would have casually dated and then been with my girl...but I cannot go back. I can only (somehow) find gratitude for what my last relationship taught me. Learn from it and move on...I just can't let the negativity from HIM creep in.

I haven't read his blog. I have wanted to a few times because I an nosey like that, but I can tell from his FB picture he is very predictable. SO SO predictable. Makes me nauseous. So very typical of him. I never trusted him. I don't believe I had a reason to doubt him but I was constantly suspicious. Not sure where it came from, just a gut feeling I always had with him. With her it never crosses my mind that she's not doing exactly what she says she is. And thank God she has no desire to watch porn unless it's with me...and even then it's rare.

I'm grateful for her. I am humbled and thankful I found what is true and real and feels better than anything I've ever experienced. Our relationship feels raw...but in an organic and natural way.

I more than love her...

Bisexual

Sometimes being bi-sexual is strange for me. I get that I'm attracted to the same sex, but I'm also attracted to the opposite sex. It used to be I would/could look at a guy and imagine what it might be like to sleep with him. Now if I look at a guy I am attracted to I don't think that way AT ALL. It's more of how I have always felt about girls I'm attracted to. I say to myself "oh, they are cute/hot/sexy" and then go on. I never imagine myself with ANYONE else but her. I have NO sexual attraction to anyone other than her. Is that normal? The thought of being with a guy now grosses me out, whereas it once didn't. Where does that come from? But I could never imagine being with another girl, either. Well there are a few celebrities but when I actually entertain the thought of BEING with them, I just can't go there. It feels wrong to even think it. I've never had that in a relationship before. I've never been this dedicated.

So, we're going to XYZ bar this weekend where girls are known to dance on the bar. The thought of that doesn't sound appealing to me. The only thing I will think of is how much fatter I am than them and critique their figure. The group we are going with is primarily lesbian. I don't understand what they get from watching girls dance on the bar. I've never wanted to see a male review, either. Strip clubs always interested me more. Now that I'm WITH a girl, that's not appealing anymore! I am wondering if there is a norm for bi-sexuals. Is what I feel normal...it's quite confusing. Because I'm not looking for someone to be with, it's a non-issue. But it's only natural to be attracted to other people in our daily routines. No one come across as anything desirable. Guys that I once would have thought to be "cute" aren't cute anymore. Is it the lack of penis in the last year that has caused my mind to be grossed out by them? I was at work the other day and saw one and thought what a rarity in my life now. I viewed it more as a sausage rather than something enjoyable. Probably because I KNOW I don't need one to enjoy sex.

When we go to a gay bar I'm not attracted to other women. That's when I feel the most out of sorts. It's not like I have to convince myself I'm bi-sexual, I just don't understand why other women are not attractive to me. Oh some are pleasing to the eye but there's no way I would ever flirt with another girl. It would be wrong of me to do so, but I would just be entirely too afraid. I don't flirt with guys like I once did. I will still say stuff just to get a rise but I'm nothing like I used to be.

Now I spend more time thinking about kids, safe vehicles, and if we can afford diapers.

Just my thoughts today about being bisexual. I feel asexual.

Rings

Several months ago my watch needed repair so I took it to the only jewelry store in this city that repairs my brand watch. While we were perusing the counters I asked if they did custom jewelry. Of course they did!! I began researching rings and came up with what you see on the left. My girl loved it when she saw it. It's white gold. 2 bands are solid and 1 band are pave set diamonds. These are the rings we will have forever.

I love her more everyday. I am obsessed with her. Not in an unhealthy way, but in a normal mushy I can't think of anything else but her kind of way. She still hasn't found a job. We are "okay" on money for now. Not sure if it will always be like this, seems business is slow. But she searches night and day for a job. She's had several interviews. I would like for her to hold off until after summer vacation but I haven't told her that. I just hate for her to start a new job then have to take off a week in May. Maybe businesses don't mind? Not really sure on that one.

She did tell me what her secret was (last post). She trusts me. I won't tell it. I could tell it was something she held very important.

Respect and communication--that will keep us together. It will keep anyone together.

My dad had told me I could keep the hardtop at their house when we switch it out for the soft top. I emailed him and told him I would like to have my girl help me take it off. I offered to come when they aren't there. We will see how they respond...if they do.

I love our quiet time at night. It's our special time. I love being at home with her. It feels safe. It feels good. It feels like where I belong. I cried watching Oprah today--Ellen and Portia were on. They showed footage from their wedding. 19 people. It looked like a perfect day. I want us to have a perfect day. Her family is so supportive. It's really a good feeling to know you ALWAYS have someone to go to, or somewhere to go. Her family is becoming MY family. I love the feeling of longevity with her.

We were laying on the back deck sunning when she said "tell me something about you I don't know". I paused for a minute and told her I thought she knew everything about me. She asked if I had a secret no one knew. I told her no. Of course this prompted me to ask HER the same question. She replied that there was something no one knew. I asked her to tell me. She said she didn't want to. After a bit of thinking I told her I thought she threw that question out there because SHE had something she wanted to tell me. She said she hadn't thought it thru that far and that was not her reason for asking me. A day later it still bothers me. The person I am going to spend the rest of my life with has something she has never told anyone, and doesn't feel she can tell me. She told me later that night she would tell me at some point. That's like a tease to me, tho. She says it's embarrassing. I reiterated a secret I had told her that is VERY embarrassing for me and asked her how it could be any worse. She was silent. It's not so much WHAT the secret is, but that she doesn't feel comfortable telling me right now. She's always opened up to me, and it's always in her own timing. I respect that. But when I ask myself would I rather she have lied to me and said NO and kept the secret to herself or would I prefer the answer I got which was YES but I will tell you later?? I am hoping by writing it down here I will feel better about her not telling me. I just feel a distance from her because of it. I just cannot imagine NOT being able to tell her everything. She already knows I won't judge her or think any less of her no matter what it is. I will be patient, I always am with her.

Letter

She worried why she hadn't heard from her best friend all week. She finally broke down and emailed her. Just a short and sweet how are you and what's going on. When the BFF wrote back she acted like nothing was wrong. It was still bothering my girl so when she replied back again at the bottom she asked why things were so weird when we were there. Her reply really bothered my girl. The BFF said is started when we asked that "dude" not go out with us. She didn't understand I suppose. And then the next thing was that we stayed in the bathroom for 30 minutes and left them hanging in the bar my themselves. We didn't go to the bathroom for 30 minutes, maybe 10! And she was with her GF so why was it such a big deal that we left them alone? And going back to the dude...my girl had sent her an email earlier in the week asking that he not come around while we were there. Apparently she didn't get the message. I don't know what part she was confused about. Anyway, the whole thing pisses me off and I would probably write off a friend that acted the way she did. She didn't even want me to turn on my sound machine to sleep while we were there. She claimed it was too loud. She just acted bitchy the entire time we were there. I know it bothers my gf but there are plenty of people in the world (that she DOESN'T have a history with) that could take her place as a best friend. I keep my comments to a minimum and support her decision.

On to other things. My sister called me this week and said she had a confession. She said mom had asked her a few questions about me and she told her she worries about me. When mom pushed and pushed for an answer as to what she worries about my sister told her that I want kids. Moms reply was "she doesn't have the good sense God gave her". Then a couple of days later when my sister, her husband, and mom and dad were having dinner for my dad's birthday my "lifestyle" was apparently brought up again. After my bro in law got home I saw that he was online on FB so I asked how dinner went. He said they talked about me quite a bit. Then he told me what was said. I am not sure how it went from mom "speculating" to mom "knows". Either way I haven't talked to mom or dad since the dinner. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I don't feel like I need to write a letter. What do I say? Something they already know? I will probably wait until they ask me, which they have said they won't do. Maybe a letter is what I need to do. But it's not like I had to write them a letter about anything else I've done. Why can't they just KNOW and never bring it up? Will my girl ever be able to come around? What about when we have kids? I will give them an ultimatum at that point. Until then, time will tell.

My girl and I are having custom rings made. They should be in, in about 3 weeks. I'd like to do something special when we get them. Not exactly sure what, think I will google ideas. Very excited about V-day. Going to Flemings for steak dinner and a movie. Plan to see Valentine's Day.

I feel better now.