Monday, October 18, 2010

Weekend

WOW! What a weekend. We got up at 3:50 AM Friday morning and flew out at 6:15 am. Had a layover in Dallas, then on to our destination...DENVER! The mile-high city. I've been here more than a few times. It's one of my favorite places on earth. When you fill out one of those surveys asking if you're a mountain or beach person, I always put both, because I love them equally.

We checked into our hotel--the Stanley. It's the hotel where Stephen King got his inspiration for the Shining. He stayed there after summer season had closed...while the hotel was empty...and wrote his book in 7 days, after his "inspiring" weekend. The first night I was a bit uneasy due to all the ghost talk...and woke up probably 10-15 times in the night at various noises. I told myself it was the elevator or other guests.

We drove through part of the park on Friday afternoon. We ended up hiking about 3.5 miles in the mountains...gasping with every inhalation. That air is so thin!! We had such a great time being in nature together. We got a lot of great photos. We spent the last part of the evening at a clearing where the elk gather to feed. The boys were bugling and the cows were answering back. Sends shivers down my spine. I love it!!

Saturday we spent the entire day in the national park. But not before we gave each other Sweetest Day gifts. I got my girl a new shirt and a card. She got me Starbucks snacks and giftcard plus a very sweet and mushy card. I also got her a little 1-week cessation congrats gift--a new cuff from the Buckle, and a congrats card.

Back to the park....my girl's eyes were as big as quarters most of the day. I loved watching her reaction. It makes one feel very small to be in the middle of these giant mountains. We got to see snow on the ground, and on the mountain peaks. So beautiful.

Saturday night we had dinner at the hotel (waffle fries with blue cheese and bacon) and had several drinks. I drank just enough that when we got back to the room I could easily go to sleep and not worry about any ghosts.

Sunday we ordered room service and watched Castaway from our bed. We ate the best Belgium waffles. We got ready and checked out of the hotel. We had the ghost tour to complete our trip then we were heading home. The ghost tour was actually MUCH better than I had anticipated. First of all I was scared...and second I didn't realize how much history would be imported into the story. If you ever get the chance to go on this tour...GO! Most of the ghost stuff she told seemed too far fetched for me to believe, but who am I to say it wasn't true? If it was true, none of it happened to us while we stayed at the haunted hotel...THANK GOODNESS!! There was a Travel Channel (Ghost Adventures) show airing on the Friday night we were there about the "spooky" hotel...ironic. I have it DVR'd, but haven't watched it yet.

We got home around 11:30 pm and I had to be at work early Monday morning. I was SO sleepy!!! But it was OOOOHHH so worth it. One of the best weekends I've ever had. I'm so glad I got to spend it with my girl, and we got to share this very special place together.

I never thought it would feel like a "special" place again after going with the ex husband. I always felt like certain places were only "ours" and I could never have any of those kinds of feelings with someone else....but that's not true. Estes Park is more special with her than it ever was with him. What makes it that way? True love? Soul mate and wanting to share EVERYTHING with her? Doesn't matter...it's more special, and I'm glad.

Next subject...my sister....I had emailed her a typical email and thrown into that a one line "can my girl come to your house with me for Christmas?"

Her response:

To reply to your question about Christmas, I've given it a lot of thought. While I'm not sure how I would handle it emotionally and I don't know how I would handle things with your niece, those are just a couple concerns. It bothers me to exclude mom and dad. Part of the enjoyment of opening gifts is seeing what everyone else is getting. I think Mom likes seeing what we get each other too. I don't want our family to "split" if we can avoid it. Have you talked to mom about this at all? Maybe because of all the tough situations we've given her to deal with in the past, she is reacting and dealing with everything surprisingly well - better than I do emotionally, in fact.

I've been stewing on this for the past 3 days. It makes me angry. I don't know how to handle it, or what to do. I will take any and all thoughts/opinions. I am not going home for Christmas without my girl. They can view her as my friend, and leave it at that. Period.

My bday is next month and my parents will probably want to see me. I am going to tell them that is fine but my girl WILL be around, whether they choose to come to our house, or go out to dinner. It's NOT an option to exclude her.

I'm tired of dealing with this. I'm tired of pushing. It shouldn't even be an issue. It should simply be how it is, and not talked about.


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Cessation

Well, today is the first day. The first full day she won't smoke a cigarette in 17 years, minus the 9 months she temporarily quit years ago. I googled things a spouse can do to help be supportive. I want this to go as smooth as it can. I know it's hard. Actually, I don't. I'm not addicted to anything.

I bought her a bag of 200 dum-dum suckers, you know...the ones you get at the bank. I also bought her a pkg of wax sticks, the little hot glue gun kind. That is what she used before to help her quit. I also bought her a card to stick in her bag on Monday to let her know how much I support her and am proud of her.

We made a plan to stay home Friday night and smoke everything in the house we had. I took a picture of THAT for our kids. lol I've had it since Dr Navy gave it to me 5 years ago. It wasn't the best, but it still worked. She finished her pack of cigarettes, and we drank a ton of vodka. It was a great night at home. We seem to have a lot of those.

I'm planning to take her to the movies tonight. Popcorn is one of her favorite food groups, so I told her it would be a popcorn extravaganza as her "reward" for her first day of quitting smoking. Not sure what movie we're going to see yet.

I hid the ash trays while she was brushing her teeth last night. I also hid the 2 packs of cigarettes she had left in her carton. I'll give those away to someone. I plan to take a walk after we finish dinner next week...that came as recommendation from the website.

I encouraged her to read the chapter about smoking in our baby book, if she got the urge to smoke.

I'm so proud of her. She, surprisingly, put something about doomsday on the social networking site. I think the Wellbutrin is helping. She's got a huge support group. I just hope the crabbiness doesn't get too intense. Monday will be hard for her at work. I will send her a text/email at her usual smoke break times and let her know I'm thinking about her.

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I have been going back and forth about writing on this next subject. It's still in my head, and on my mind, so I might as well get it out.

Nothing bad has ever happened to me. Ever. I've never gotten hurt in a relationship. I've never had my heart broken. I've never lost anyone close to me to an illness or death. I've never had a broken bone. When I think about these things I wonder how I will react when something bad does happen. It's inevitable, right? Is it better to go thru 30 years of my life with no pain, nothing to deal with, nothing to cry about, etc. Or would it have made me stronger, or emotionally healthier to have had some heartache? Who knows. But it scares me. I don't know if it's my age, or just negative nancy setting in, but it's like I'm constantly thinking about this. Not so much WHAT is going to happen, but how will I react? Will I go coo-koo? Will my life experience and observations of other going through hard times eliminate me from going crazy? How will I be? I imagine scenarios.... losing my girl, losing my sister, one of my parents, both, having my heart broken (not so much this one), losing someone in my girls family, experiencing my own trauma, etc. How have I managed to escape this for so long? How long will it last? Why do I even question it, or wonder about it? Is my subconscious or higher-being preparing me for something that is about to happen? Am I the only one with these thoughts? I don't want anything bad to happen...can I go through life with no loss or pain or heartache? I know the grieving process, does that mean I am exempt for the order of what is supposed to happen? Will I recognize it?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Trips

My work trip to NJ got the kibosh earlier this morning. I wasn't as bummed as I had expected. I was looking forward to seeing a new place, but not looking forward to leaving my girl on her last 3 days of smoking. I know this is such a big deal for her, and I want to be here for her. She's going to smoke her last one at 11:59 Friday night. She said it's like losing a best friend. I do not have an addictive personality so I do not know what it would be like to give something up. Maybe had I been a catholic and practiced lent every year, I'd have a better understanding.

We go to Colorado next Friday. I am more than stoked about this trip. I love Colorado. I have been wanting a trip...hear the elk bugle, see the yellow aspens, and smell that clean mountain air. I hope the snow holds off so we can drive in the higher elevations.

We had a wonderful weekend. Her (favorite) (lesbian) aunt came up for part of it. We grilled steaks and then stood by our fire pit til around 2 am talking. It seems we caught up on a lifetime of conversations in one night. My girl talked about her father and sister, which made all of us cry. But I really feel like every time she talks about it, she makes progress. We discussed the aunt and her former girlfriend....her former girlfriend and her new girlfriend...and also a very dear friend to my girl and me who is having an affair. How could she? She was our role model when we were in high school. She even married her long time girlfriend in Canada, they've been together close to 20 years!

I am so ready for a baby. Probably the fantasy of a baby...but still. I'm ready.

My sister asked for my birthday and Christmas wish list. I replied with a few things and then point blank asked her if my girl can come with me to exchange gifts. We'll see how that goes. Not expecting a yes, so maybe I'll be surprised. With all the news and media coverage recently of the deaths I wonder what my parents are thinking, and sister. Do they think it's just another person, or are they actually focusing in on what people are saying about tolerance?