Can you ever break up "correctly"? I'm sure to the person getting their heart broken there is no good way to hear, "I think we should go our separate ways". But I did it the best way I knew how. I did it before it went TOO far. I could never cheat again. I will never do that to someone again. Although I have never had my heart broken, I see the effects of the pain. I see how low it can take a person. No one deserves that.
What we had long ago was special. It was juvenile and adolescent, but looking back I had some awesome times. I have a head full of memories from that time, many she can't recall, but that is okay. As long as she remembers NOW. I blame it on the Splenda, she thinks that is funny.
She makes me feel like I am the only person that exists in her world. I wouldn't even want that to be true, but when someone can make another feel that important and special, it's pretty damn awesome.
How do I deal with the transition of going from men to a female? I am aware of the anatomical differences but I honestly don't see gender. I don't see color. I see a person. I see someone that is honest and true. I see confidence. I see beauty. I see who I am attracted to. I see my love.
Something in the way she moves.... attracts me like no other lover...
She gets me. She feels me. She makes me smile when she isn't around.
Synopsis of us:
We were on and off again throughout high school. After graduation, I got married, she went to college. I told the husband about US and he demanded I never talk to her again. 8.5 years later, divorce. I immediately got back into contact with her. She was with her GF and I was happy for her. We stayed in contact with each other via email. I began dating the ex. 3.5 years later, break-up. Would we have broken up had she not met me a month ago? Probably not, but she gave me the courage.
The way she makes me feel is unlike anything I've ever felt. Did I say that already? Probably.
I love the way she is laid back. How she doesn't get worked up over little things. The way she wears her hat, even tho I get tired of hitting my noggin on it when I sneak a kiss. I love the way she looks at me when we are dancing. I love the way she walks, the way her hips shift. I love her hair.
I have my fears too. Even though I am plunging in head first and I have no idea how deep the water is. I fear she has felt this before for other people. These unstoppable forces. I fear I won't be good enough for her in bed. We must communicate about this more. I fear I won't be enough for her in the years to come, emotionally. What happens when we get into that rut that all couples fall into? Will she look elsewhere? I have a terrible need to know that I am better than what she has had in the past. I want to be BETTER. I want to have what it takes to KEEP HER. This is a risk we take when we dive into a relationship. I want the confidence to know she would never look at anyone else. Over time, I am hopeful this will come. I don't want to enjoy every minute with her and have in the back of my head this could end at any moment. I can't do that. That's not an option. Neither of us feel that way, and I hope those doubts never enter. I just want more confidence.
She moves here in eleven days. I think the confidence will come when we see each other everyday. I want to see her get pissed and me and see how she handles it. That's probably weird, but I want to know how she handles so many things.
I'm still scarred from the ex. When something wouldn't go right, how I would cringe and be fearful of his loud voice and smirky comments that cut like a knife. I am using these 11 days to get past that. For some, that wouldn't be enough time, but for me, much alone time isn't a good thing.
I love the passion we share. The constant craving--yes, that's a song. My heart aches when she isn't with me. I love her spontaneity. I love how she consumes my thoughts, although it isn't always a good thing when operating heavy machinery or driving. She's a drug I can't live without. I love that she loves music. That she is okay with staying up past 10 o'clock. That she can lay in bed for an hour dozing. That she has a sense of direction. I love talking about her to my friends. So far I have lost one, maybe two. And my parents are an entirely different post. They have asked me if I'm planning to be with her. I couldn't tell them the truth. It hurts to lie to them.
I have never felt happier in my heart. Not sure that my brain is thinking as clearly as it should but I love loving her and I can't stop it. And I'm sure not trying to...
I love her, and always have.
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