She went through my phone history and saw where I had searched for the ex bf's on a social network site. She hasn't said anything, but I expect she will.
Back on the boat...I felt fat the entire time. I look in the mirror and I disgust myself. I've never in my life been this big before and it's killing me. But why can't I stop eating? Why can't I say "NO" to shanghai boneless wings? Margaritas? On the last night I only danced to one song. I felt like a hippo on the dance floor. I had on baggy jeans a big shirt. I used to be "THAT GIRL"...you know the one that walks on the dance floor and guys wanna dance with her. The one that other girls look at and you see just a shade of green in their eyes. The girl that a lesbian would look at and wish she had a chance with. Am I being conceded? Probably. But I KNOW I was "THAT GIRL" and now I'm not. At 32 years old and 163 pounds, I'm no longer the girl anyone wants to be with. OK, back to reality...SHE wants to be with me. She doesn't view me as fat. Of course she wasn't around me to see me on the dance floor in college 5 years ago when I could bend over and touch my toes. Now I just wanna sit on a barstool in stretchy pants and wallow in my fatness. What am I going to do?
It made me sad. Not that I was looking to see if anyone was looking...but I could tell that they were not. They were all looking at the Nicole Scherzinger look-alike, as were we, and wishing we were either with her, or looked like her, or could have a chance to dance with her. I didn't even feel "pretty" enough to get the glance back of other girls (lesbians). Of course I never felt lesbians "wanted" me. I still have issues with that. I don't know that I'll ever feel "gay" enough.
Some of the people on the boat... I would guess fundamentalists, were judging with their eyes. Some even whispered to their husbands/wives about us. We weren't the only gay people on the ship, so I would imagine everyone noticed it, but I'm not used to the stares, gawks, or looks that some have for us. It's uncomfortable to me. I want to hide. I don't like rubbing it in their face, not that we do, but for some reason I'm more worried about making THEM feel uncomfortable than how they make ME feel. I hope to get past that.
Her gram's chemo didn't shrink any of the cancer. She goes for round 2 soon. She developed congestive heart failure last week and was admitted to the hospital.
I think I have developed heart burn. Sign of aging? Sign of weight gain? I keep saying this but I have GOT to lose this weight!!! I walked onto that dance floor with my head down. I need my confidence back. I need to feel like I'm "that girl" again, even if I am not seeking attention. I want to feel GOOD about myself again. I NEED that confidence back.
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