Wa Wa Babies

I have always said I would never, ever have children. Then I was with one person about five years ago that if they had decided to make a life with me I would have had a child for them. I have no regrets about that situation but looking back, it wasn't healthy nor would it have ever been "right".

I have such mixed feelings about kids. I don't think I would be a good mother, who knows, maybe I would. Babies in my arms are like hot potatoes, I pass them off to someone else. But in my profession, I do see a lot, and they are sweet bundles of happiness....that never go away. The lifetime commitment scares me a bit. I can never return them to the store or get a different brand.

Something hit me on the drive home. I got this itch to have children with her. It is freaking me out a bit. I keep telling myself I am in la-la land right now. Seriously. I'm not supposed to be having these thoughts. I'm NOT supposed to want children!! I have never thought I had a biological clock, and I'm not sure that I do. But I want to share something with her that deep and committed.

We discussed it a bit on the drive home. Probably not anything I will bring up again soon, unless she does. She is as open to having them as me. We talked about who would carry the child(ren). We both want to have one, so I guess that would put us up to two children. We didn't discuss in vitro but I am guessing that would be the route. I have no real excited about adoption. I almost think I would rather not have any at all, if that were the last option.

My mind goes into a freak when I consider the day-to-day life of us with kids. This is something that would happen at least 2-3 years down the road. And by that point we'd be 33-34 years old. I made a joke that we wouldn't need to be preggers at the same time. Oh my gosh we would probably kill each other with all the hormones raging!!

The trip home was lovely. I got a wild hair and flew to see her two days early. I'm glad I did. We got a lot accomplished packing, but we also got a ton of alone time before the other help arrived. We get a little closer each time we see each other. Falling in love with her is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. She takes my breath away on so many occasions. I cannot wait to spend a lifetime loving her. She is so accepting of it. WOW, what an amazing characteristic.

We swapped up drivers and passengers for the trip. I rode with our friend who I open up to quite a bit, especially about my insecurities. She offers good advice. Some I will take, some I won't. Then I rode with my girls mother. We had such a wonderful time. We laughed, talked, high fived and feel we got a little closer. She tells me about her boyfriend, I talk about her daughter. We swap mushy love stories. Somewhere between Illinois and Kentucky she told me she had never seen her daughter act like this. I thought I was going to jump out of the window! It made me so excited to know I was making her daughter this happy. How often does that happen ?

I had to work today. I have missed her like crazy. I don't want to intrude on any time her mother plans to spend with her, but I can't get enough. I want to be with her night and day. I cannot lose myself in this, I remind myself of that. Keep my individuality, no matter what. But I love making that girl smile. It elates me that I can make someone THAT happy. I don't think I've ever seen smiles that big on someone I've been with before. I don't consider myself "that" wonderful, but if it works for her, I'll keep it up.

The friend who helped us move her told me that she doesn't think the friend back in the old place will be an issue. She asked her if she was going to keep in contact with many people from back home and when that girl was mentioned it was said she knew I wouldn't like it and it would hurt me too much. When I was putting direction to my house in her blackberry I saw a text from that girl. I must trust her. I honestly don't think she could fake the feelings she expresses to me and have that girl in the back of her mind. There is no future there.

I will see my girl soon. She fills my every thought and consumes my mind in ways no one else ever has. I want her here with me, and life with her is becoming a very sweet place to be.