Pathetic

I make myself sick. If this were me watching someone else's life I would throw up! She walks out the door and I fall asleep so I don't have to have that ache of missing her. I cannot wait until she gets back. The entire time I am gone for work all I want to do is get back home to see her.

All I think about is looking at her. Touching her. Smelling her. I don't even mind the taste of cigarettes.

The subject of the ex came up at dinner last night. She doesn't know everything he has said to me, but she does know enough that she voiced her opinion. I evaluate things he has said and done and he honestly treats his dogs better. We have stopped communicating. I sent a random text about going to a music event in town because I thought he might go and sure enough he said he was. I responded that I wouldn't be there, he needn't worry. She doesn't mind me talking to him, but she doesn't like the way he speaks to me or the way he makes me feel. I think it's best if I don't communicate with him right now, until he can get a grip on his anger and emotions. She tells me he doesn't deserve anything after some of the things he has said to me but he has guilt ridden me so deep about taking me on vacations that I am blinded to his cut downs and smart ass comments. He knew when she got here I would quit talking to him, guess he's a smart cookie in that respect. I've gotta get past the guilt.

She sent me this text today "I don't think you're beautiful.....I think you're beyond it". No one has ever said things like that to me before. I've never had ANYTHING like this before. She makes my heart go pitter-patter and she takes my breath away all at the same time. She cut my grass yesterday while I was at work. It meant more than if she had taken me to a 5 course dinner. She made our bed. She washed our dishes. She is making herself at home, which in turns, makes me want to lock her up inside and never let her out.

She needs to stay with her mom some. I mean after-all it's been over 10 years since they spent any extended amounts of time together. But she doesn't want to leave my place. And it's hard for me to push her out the door. I hope there is no resentment. We are going to stay at her mom's place tonight together. It will be good for her, and her mom. Of course I will hate to say good-bye to her in the morning. But the minute I finish at the hospital we will find each other and spend as much time together as possible.

She is perfect. Even her imperfections are perfect for ME. I keep telling her forever isn't long enough. I love that girl.