Christmas

We're going to spend tonight at my girls gram's house. Today was a chemo day for her, so I hope she is still feeling well by the time dinner rolls around tonight. Tomorrow my girl and I will get up and open gifts together (YAY!!!) then we'll head to my parents house TOGETHER for noon dinner and gifts. We plan to take our Wii controllers and play with my niece--should be a way to clear any awkward moments. My girl is going to take some fresh flowers for my parents, rather than a gift. I think that is nice.

They (weather people) are calling for snow. I hope the forecast holds true.

I know it's going to be difficult for my girl and her family to think this "might" be the last Christmas with gram, but I hope they enjoy and cherish every.single.moment. Her gram isn't like your typical gram...she's "special", unique, one of a kind lady, a true rock that holds everything and everybody together. I'm so lucky to know her, and learn from her.

Off I go to make cream cheese cupcakes!!

Merry Christmas folks!

I saw my ex husbands best friend last Friday. I have not seen him in 5 years. It was a deer in the headlights look. He threw up his hand, and turned his head back to the lady at the register. Did he tell my ex he saw me? What did he say? That I was with a girl? A girl that looked like a lesbian? That I had gained weight? Aged? I spoke to him and asked how he was doing. I am telling myself he needed to get back to the questions the lady at the register was asking him about his deer killing, rather than chatting with me thru a closed glass door.

My girl and her mom talked about my girls sister and father who passed away this past Sunday for the first time ever. It was a huge step. I cannot believe it happened, but so glad it did. It's been since 1991 (sister) and 1993 (dad), what a long time to never speak of it. Never had headstones, but they did discuss getting them. I think my girl got her feelings hurt over a few things, but I cannot take that pain away. I told her I was sorry her mom said those things...that she had no reason to go on (and later added only because of my girl did she). She never thought she would laugh again, smile again, be happy again. She said the memories she had with her sister were HERS and she didn't want to share them. Seems selfish to me, and hurt my girl in the process. Everyone deals with grief differently but she seems TOO extreme on holding it all in and not sharing ANYTHING. She sees getting headstones as "the end"...and it's not. It's a memorial. I think they are both very much alive in my girls moms head. I feel my girl is being rejected in a way by her mom, by being so selfish with her memories. I cannot imagine never acknowledging them or their lives. That is so sad to me.

We are probably going to go away and get married just the two of us and then have a ceremony/reception back home so her gram (stage 4 cancer) can attend. My girls mom said she wants to go, too. It's hard to imagine that because she's so sour about the cancer...she says she doesn't want to do anything fun.

I'm not saying much to my girl about all that. I bite my tongue, and write it down here. I will hurt my girls feelings if I tell her that her mom is acting childish and immature and selfish about EVERYTHING. She never even gave me a birthday card (who's being selfish now...me!!) But life does go on, and life is happening all around her. I know she must feel it has stopped, but she's got a very alive daughter, and a very alive mother who isn't sick from chemo yet...I just wish she could stop and enjoy those people rather than wallowing in her pity party because life has taken away her daughter and husband, and probably soon to be mother.

I'm looking forward to Christmas...but I'm afraid there will be a overshadowing melancholy in the air due to my girls gram, especially if chemo makes her sick.

We stopped by my parents this past weekend, they were nice AGAIN to my girl. Nothing weird or odd. We also went to my sisters because she had picked up a gift for me that I'll be giving my niece for Christmas. She knew my girl was with me. She shook her hand, but didn't make eye contact. She was rude, and I am shocked she wasn't more pleasant. I'm a little embarrassed of her and the way she treated my girl.

I need to start Christmas shopping.

Religious debate in surgery today...my surgeon was simply trying to point out that christians "might" not be the only people that make it into heaven. The assistant wasn't hearing any of it. Such closed minds. Makes me sad. What part of the bible says other religions won't make it? Because they think if people don't know about Jesus they won't go to heaven? Is God that mean that he would forbid someone from entering heaven because they were not exposed to a particular religion? Other religions have bibles, and gods, and believe just as strongly as christians in their faiths. How am I certain christianity is the ONLY way into heaven?

Had a wonderful time in MX. Amazing resort. Amazing water. Cooler temps than preferred. Top shelf liquor and fine dining included in our all-inclusive package. I got tired of people constantly opening my door, carrying my plate, pulling my chair out for me. I felt helpless. How do celebrities do it?

We came back to very bad news. My girl's "healthy" grandmother (72) is looking like she has cancer. She went in for a little chest pain...and they did a precautionary catscan...they have found nodules on her lungs (both) and her liver. They did a liver biopsy yesterday...and hoping for results today. The family is devastated. In shock still. Doesn't seem real. I thought about my post a few weeks ago about never dealt with anything bad before. She means a lot to me, because she is not discriminating towards "us". How many g-friendly 72 year old grandmothers are out there? Family is EVERYTHING to them. Waiting for the lab results is hard. Probably harder than knowing.

I talked to my mom yesterday. She said "i thought we would come up and take ya'll out for your birthday dinner". OMG!!!!!!! I almost ran off the road. She's never said the pleural before. Time...yes, that was the answer. Now I just have to get thru it with no hiccups.

2 days later

2 days later I received the following email from my dad.

Hi again, I am assuming I have said the wrong thing, Cause I did not get a response on my e-mail. If this is the reason, I am sorry. Please for give me. I am thinking that I did not make my self clear on the word acceptance. I was meaning that I do not think that a gay lifestyle is right.(for me) I accept the fact that you have chosen to live your life this way. So if you are needing us to say we accept, OK we accept that you are going to live this way. Not meaning in anyway that we don't Love you.

Another thing if you want to know how we feel about things, I ask you to, ask us, Do not listen to others, or assume, something that is not right. That's all this time, Again your girl is welcome in our home. Hope you have a good trip. Love ya, Pops

I almost passed out in surgery when I got it. I literally felt I needed to sit down. What a contrast!! What changed? It isn't important. But WOW!

She brought me flowers, and a gossip magazine today to get my mind off things....

Correspondence between my mom/dad and me about Brianne coming home for Christmas with me....
Letter to my mom:

Sister mentioned she talked to you today about getting together for Christmas, with my girl and me. It feels like there is a constant elephant in the room. I have always felt like I could talk to you about most anything, even if we disagreed, but I don't feel as comfortable with this due to the lack of response, when I reached out. I know sister has talked with you but without knowing what was said, I wanted to share with you exactly what I said to her so...I'm going to paste the paragraph below that I sent to her.

"When I emailed about Christmas, I should have mentioned, I was not trying to put you in the middle of something, or exclude mom and dad. I want us to all be able to have Christmas together, but if I do not come home, it will be because of their/your decision, not mine. I am not going to push it anymore. When mom or dad ask about my birthday or Christmas, I will ask them then. I'm not excluding my girl anymore. If she is not welcome, as my friend, then the decision has been made. I am not being snippy with any of this, I promise.. I don't imagine you have forgotten what it felt like for brother in law to not be welcome at mom and dad's, not that long ago. My thought is, they/you are not condoning anything because they allowed him to sit at Christmas dinner, as would be the same with my girl and me. We only get one family, and it hurts my feelings that mine cannot get past what happens in a bedroom, which is essentially, no one's business. I understand your religious convictions on this, and I respect that. I have just as many scriptures to back up my beliefs, as well. Mom and dad probably think both of their kids are going to hell, and I can imagine the surprise on their face when we see them in heaven. I know you are teaching the niece right from wrong, and someday she can make her own decisions about how she wants to treat others who are different from her. As for now, my girl is my friend, there's nothing else to say. Trust me, I wouldn't dream of any PDA. We don't even do that at my girl's family functions where we are welcomed, we are respectful. I do not know if you and mom talk about any of this, but if that is her fear (PDA), she can be assured, that will never happen. If where my soul ends up at the end of this life is the issue, well, all I can say is a lot of precious time that will never be regained will be lost, it's my life. She welcomed the ex boyfriend into her home just fine, and I was "sinning" just the same in their eyes. The discrimination confuses me. I have a constant internal battle talking about all of this with you/mom/dad A LOT. It has hurt my feelings that mom and dad didn't respond to my email. Therefore, I appreciate that I can at least bring it up with you. Maybe they didn't know what to say, or thought nothing at all was an response in itself. I have never been scared to ask them anything, but I am afraid to ask them why they didn't respond." I know you asked for a Christmas Wish List...and you are getting more than that with this email to say the least. I apologize for that, I don't know if you realize how much this all truly weighs on my mind. What are your thoughts? Is my girl welcome in your house?

My dad's reply:

Hi, Mom told me you were leaving the country, Sounds like a big trip, Hope you enjoy it. I thought I would respond to your e-mail to Mom, about bringing your girl to our house during Christmas, 1st thing, Mom has agreed for me to e-mail you about this. I had rather make this decision. She don't need anymore stress, and I respect that enough to e-mail you. I hope you do. 2nd we don't know where someone came up with the Idea that my girl was not welcome in our house. We have always welcome anyone in our home, that conducts themselves in a proper manner, as we expect. If I remember right, the day you and I had the conversation on the phone about gay lifestyle, (and you lied) we agreed not to bring this up again. Well you are the one, who seems to be antsy. So I guess you want to talk about it now. In your e-mail 7/26/10 you said that all you ask of us is tolerance and acceptance on this issue. We would have responded to that e-mail then, but we thought you knew how we feel about all this, and didn't think we were going to talk about it anymore. I'll respond now, The tolerance you have, but the acceptance No. We would never accept anyone who lives a gay lifestyle. This would be just like a drunk, drugee, etc. It is wrong. (BOTTOM LINE) But they would be welcome in our home. I hope this answers your question. If not, you will have to make it more clear, to what you want us to accept. So If you want to bring your girl, Your conscience can be your guide on this. I'll address the statement you made about us not making your brother in law welcome in our house. Yes ,it was difficult and he has told us himself that he knew it was very hard on us. But also that he appreciates that we did welcome him. Sonofapreacherman23 sometimes in this life we have to tolerate some pretty tuff stuff to make peace. So if you could be in a parents shoes, you would see why we make some decisions, the way we do. There is a problem you have letting people influence you or mabye brain wash, is another word, for it. I know of more than one time this has happened with you. I am going to say this and then drop it. I told you before that I thought you needed counseling, and we would help you with this. We still feel the same about this. That is all. We both LOVE YOU very much, and wish you the best. If you need to talk to us about all this, I ask that we all keep peace among the family.

Love ya Mom and Pop

Weekend

WOW! What a weekend. We got up at 3:50 AM Friday morning and flew out at 6:15 am. Had a layover in Dallas, then on to our destination...DENVER! The mile-high city. I've been here more than a few times. It's one of my favorite places on earth. When you fill out one of those surveys asking if you're a mountain or beach person, I always put both, because I love them equally.

We checked into our hotel--the Stanley. It's the hotel where Stephen King got his inspiration for the Shining. He stayed there after summer season had closed...while the hotel was empty...and wrote his book in 7 days, after his "inspiring" weekend. The first night I was a bit uneasy due to all the ghost talk...and woke up probably 10-15 times in the night at various noises. I told myself it was the elevator or other guests.

We drove through part of the park on Friday afternoon. We ended up hiking about 3.5 miles in the mountains...gasping with every inhalation. That air is so thin!! We had such a great time being in nature together. We got a lot of great photos. We spent the last part of the evening at a clearing where the elk gather to feed. The boys were bugling and the cows were answering back. Sends shivers down my spine. I love it!!

Saturday we spent the entire day in the national park. But not before we gave each other Sweetest Day gifts. I got my girl a new shirt and a card. She got me Starbucks snacks and giftcard plus a very sweet and mushy card. I also got her a little 1-week cessation congrats gift--a new cuff from the Buckle, and a congrats card.

Back to the park....my girl's eyes were as big as quarters most of the day. I loved watching her reaction. It makes one feel very small to be in the middle of these giant mountains. We got to see snow on the ground, and on the mountain peaks. So beautiful.

Saturday night we had dinner at the hotel (waffle fries with blue cheese and bacon) and had several drinks. I drank just enough that when we got back to the room I could easily go to sleep and not worry about any ghosts.

Sunday we ordered room service and watched Castaway from our bed. We ate the best Belgium waffles. We got ready and checked out of the hotel. We had the ghost tour to complete our trip then we were heading home. The ghost tour was actually MUCH better than I had anticipated. First of all I was scared...and second I didn't realize how much history would be imported into the story. If you ever get the chance to go on this tour...GO! Most of the ghost stuff she told seemed too far fetched for me to believe, but who am I to say it wasn't true? If it was true, none of it happened to us while we stayed at the haunted hotel...THANK GOODNESS!! There was a Travel Channel (Ghost Adventures) show airing on the Friday night we were there about the "spooky" hotel...ironic. I have it DVR'd, but haven't watched it yet.

We got home around 11:30 pm and I had to be at work early Monday morning. I was SO sleepy!!! But it was OOOOHHH so worth it. One of the best weekends I've ever had. I'm so glad I got to spend it with my girl, and we got to share this very special place together.

I never thought it would feel like a "special" place again after going with the ex husband. I always felt like certain places were only "ours" and I could never have any of those kinds of feelings with someone else....but that's not true. Estes Park is more special with her than it ever was with him. What makes it that way? True love? Soul mate and wanting to share EVERYTHING with her? Doesn't matter...it's more special, and I'm glad.

Next subject...my sister....I had emailed her a typical email and thrown into that a one line "can my girl come to your house with me for Christmas?"

Her response:

To reply to your question about Christmas, I've given it a lot of thought. While I'm not sure how I would handle it emotionally and I don't know how I would handle things with your niece, those are just a couple concerns. It bothers me to exclude mom and dad. Part of the enjoyment of opening gifts is seeing what everyone else is getting. I think Mom likes seeing what we get each other too. I don't want our family to "split" if we can avoid it. Have you talked to mom about this at all? Maybe because of all the tough situations we've given her to deal with in the past, she is reacting and dealing with everything surprisingly well - better than I do emotionally, in fact.

I've been stewing on this for the past 3 days. It makes me angry. I don't know how to handle it, or what to do. I will take any and all thoughts/opinions. I am not going home for Christmas without my girl. They can view her as my friend, and leave it at that. Period.

My bday is next month and my parents will probably want to see me. I am going to tell them that is fine but my girl WILL be around, whether they choose to come to our house, or go out to dinner. It's NOT an option to exclude her.

I'm tired of dealing with this. I'm tired of pushing. It shouldn't even be an issue. It should simply be how it is, and not talked about.

Cessation

Well, today is the first day. The first full day she won't smoke a cigarette in 17 years, minus the 9 months she temporarily quit years ago. I googled things a spouse can do to help be supportive. I want this to go as smooth as it can. I know it's hard. Actually, I don't. I'm not addicted to anything.

I bought her a bag of 200 dum-dum suckers, you know...the ones you get at the bank. I also bought her a pkg of wax sticks, the little hot glue gun kind. That is what she used before to help her quit. I also bought her a card to stick in her bag on Monday to let her know how much I support her and am proud of her.

We made a plan to stay home Friday night and smoke everything in the house we had. I took a picture of THAT for our kids. lol I've had it since Dr Navy gave it to me 5 years ago. It wasn't the best, but it still worked. She finished her pack of cigarettes, and we drank a ton of vodka. It was a great night at home. We seem to have a lot of those.

I'm planning to take her to the movies tonight. Popcorn is one of her favorite food groups, so I told her it would be a popcorn extravaganza as her "reward" for her first day of quitting smoking. Not sure what movie we're going to see yet.

I hid the ash trays while she was brushing her teeth last night. I also hid the 2 packs of cigarettes she had left in her carton. I'll give those away to someone. I plan to take a walk after we finish dinner next week...that came as recommendation from the website.

I encouraged her to read the chapter about smoking in our baby book, if she got the urge to smoke.

I'm so proud of her. She, surprisingly, put something about doomsday on the social networking site. I think the Wellbutrin is helping. She's got a huge support group. I just hope the crabbiness doesn't get too intense. Monday will be hard for her at work. I will send her a text/email at her usual smoke break times and let her know I'm thinking about her.

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I have been going back and forth about writing on this next subject. It's still in my head, and on my mind, so I might as well get it out.

Nothing bad has ever happened to me. Ever. I've never gotten hurt in a relationship. I've never had my heart broken. I've never lost anyone close to me to an illness or death. I've never had a broken bone. When I think about these things I wonder how I will react when something bad does happen. It's inevitable, right? Is it better to go thru 30 years of my life with no pain, nothing to deal with, nothing to cry about, etc. Or would it have made me stronger, or emotionally healthier to have had some heartache? Who knows. But it scares me. I don't know if it's my age, or just negative nancy setting in, but it's like I'm constantly thinking about this. Not so much WHAT is going to happen, but how will I react? Will I go coo-koo? Will my life experience and observations of other going through hard times eliminate me from going crazy? How will I be? I imagine scenarios.... losing my girl, losing my sister, one of my parents, both, having my heart broken (not so much this one), losing someone in my girls family, experiencing my own trauma, etc. How have I managed to escape this for so long? How long will it last? Why do I even question it, or wonder about it? Is my subconscious or higher-being preparing me for something that is about to happen? Am I the only one with these thoughts? I don't want anything bad to happen...can I go through life with no loss or pain or heartache? I know the grieving process, does that mean I am exempt for the order of what is supposed to happen? Will I recognize it?