I saw my ex husbands best friend last Friday. I have not seen him in 5 years. It was a deer in the headlights look. He threw up his hand, and turned his head back to the lady at the register. Did he tell my ex he saw me? What did he say? That I was with a girl? A girl that looked like a lesbian? That I had gained weight? Aged? I spoke to him and asked how he was doing. I am telling myself he needed to get back to the questions the lady at the register was asking him about his deer killing, rather than chatting with me thru a closed glass door.

My girl and her mom talked about my girls sister and father who passed away this past Sunday for the first time ever. It was a huge step. I cannot believe it happened, but so glad it did. It's been since 1991 (sister) and 1993 (dad), what a long time to never speak of it. Never had headstones, but they did discuss getting them. I think my girl got her feelings hurt over a few things, but I cannot take that pain away. I told her I was sorry her mom said those things...that she had no reason to go on (and later added only because of my girl did she). She never thought she would laugh again, smile again, be happy again. She said the memories she had with her sister were HERS and she didn't want to share them. Seems selfish to me, and hurt my girl in the process. Everyone deals with grief differently but she seems TOO extreme on holding it all in and not sharing ANYTHING. She sees getting headstones as "the end"...and it's not. It's a memorial. I think they are both very much alive in my girls moms head. I feel my girl is being rejected in a way by her mom, by being so selfish with her memories. I cannot imagine never acknowledging them or their lives. That is so sad to me.

We are probably going to go away and get married just the two of us and then have a ceremony/reception back home so her gram (stage 4 cancer) can attend. My girls mom said she wants to go, too. It's hard to imagine that because she's so sour about the cancer...she says she doesn't want to do anything fun.

I'm not saying much to my girl about all that. I bite my tongue, and write it down here. I will hurt my girls feelings if I tell her that her mom is acting childish and immature and selfish about EVERYTHING. She never even gave me a birthday card (who's being selfish now...me!!) But life does go on, and life is happening all around her. I know she must feel it has stopped, but she's got a very alive daughter, and a very alive mother who isn't sick from chemo yet...I just wish she could stop and enjoy those people rather than wallowing in her pity party because life has taken away her daughter and husband, and probably soon to be mother.

I'm looking forward to Christmas...but I'm afraid there will be a overshadowing melancholy in the air due to my girls gram, especially if chemo makes her sick.

We stopped by my parents this past weekend, they were nice AGAIN to my girl. Nothing weird or odd. We also went to my sisters because she had picked up a gift for me that I'll be giving my niece for Christmas. She knew my girl was with me. She shook her hand, but didn't make eye contact. She was rude, and I am shocked she wasn't more pleasant. I'm a little embarrassed of her and the way she treated my girl.

I need to start Christmas shopping.

Religious debate in surgery today...my surgeon was simply trying to point out that christians "might" not be the only people that make it into heaven. The assistant wasn't hearing any of it. Such closed minds. Makes me sad. What part of the bible says other religions won't make it? Because they think if people don't know about Jesus they won't go to heaven? Is God that mean that he would forbid someone from entering heaven because they were not exposed to a particular religion? Other religions have bibles, and gods, and believe just as strongly as christians in their faiths. How am I certain christianity is the ONLY way into heaven?