Hateful

We have been hateful with each other for the past few months. Not constant, just a few snippy words here and there. We had what I would consider a "big" fight a few weeks ago. Neither of these things would have happened a year ago. What's the difference? Time? Getting used to one another. I DON'T want to continue like this.

Every time I tell myself to make a conscious effort to NOT speak hatefully to her, she ends up biting my head off. And the same happens with her when she is trying to be nice towards me. We aren't any more stressed than we were six months ago. We both KNOW we aren't going to leave each other, so is this a form of taking each other for granted? Because we have security now?

What are we doing wrong?

I hate that we speak to each other with an attitude sometimes. It's getting to be on a more regular basis. I'm noticing it more.

This is not the road I want to go down. I'm not talking about us ending or anything even remotely close to that. I'm talking about just accepting the way each other speaks to one another. She's the last person I would want to speak to hatefully. We hurt the ones closest to us.

I am writing this down to make myself even more aware of how much this bothers me. I want to speak to her in a loving way, with no agitation in my voice. Why am I irritated with her?

It hurts me to write this. We are DIFFERENT. We are not those other couples. We are strong. We communicate. We don't hold things inside and let them build. We are open with one another. We are soul mates who are understanding of one another.

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We go on our cruise Thursday. So excited. 4 days. Only one stop, in Cozumel. I will have to get someone to cover my surgery case on Thursday, but by the time we get to the port (we're driving 7 hrs to Mobile) the surgery will be over and I will know that everything went well. Stress will be MUCH lower by the time I get on ship. My girls mom and boyfriend are going too, it's her graduation gift. Her gram gets her 6 week catscan on Tuesday. I am hoping we won't have the results back by the time we leave for the cruise, but I figure we will. I do not expect a good report. I see stage IV patients at the hospital and it's just not good. Remission is not possible. Her appetite is gone, taste buds, she's nauseous, losing hair, the whole nine yards. If the report comes back and it's not good, my girls mom will possibly not have a good vacation. She gets depressed and down very easily when it comes to her mom.

I'm planning a good valentine's surprise for my girl. She's clueless about it. I'm going to make a puzzle and put a hint on the back of each puzzle piece and give her one each day, 10 days before giving her the gift. Can't wait!!

I WILL speak to her nicer. I WILL have more patience with her. I WILL give her my best.

New Year 2011

Well here it is, 2011. WOW. Seems like just yesterday it was mid-90s and I was in high school. Doesn't it?

My girl and I had a fabulous Christmas together. She got me some super uper cute clothes, XM for a year in the truck, 2 CDs, and lots of little goodies in my stocking. I love all my gifts, but the best gift was getting to take her home with me to my parents. I think aliens took my parents and left some really cool people in the meantime. We enjoyed our time with them playing the Wii and eating mom's good cooking.

We also enjoyed spending time with my girls family. They are a more lively bunch than mine, but not too over the top. We played Uno, which I haven't played in years. So much fun. My girls mom gave us a gift card to a posh day spa in the city, can't wait to use that!! It's actually the same place I took my girl for our anniversary. Pure relaxation!

We rode the 4-wheeler one afternoon looking for an old civil war cemetery on her grand-fathers land. We finally found it, and both enjoyed our time outdoors in the woods. Reminded me of an earlier time in my life. Things are simple in the woods...no phones, jobs, money, etc.

We went back to the western part of the state for NYE. We had snicky snacks and rang in the new year with my girls mom and gram (stage IV cancer). It wasn't as fun as the previous year, but that is okay. Not every year is going to be the same.

I got called to do an emergency surgery so we had to come back home early. We had planned to have chinese buffet with my parents after their church service on Sunday. They seemed disappointed we had to get a raincheck. I cannot believe how much their attitude has changed in such a short amount of time!

We have discussed, not at length, our plans for a wedding ceremony. What to do? I looked at flying to CT and going to the courthouse with a JOP, and then spending a night in NYC for our "honeymoon". We could take the train from CT to NYC, for a decent cost. Plus we'd have the magical and romantic story of staying in Manhattan on our wedding night. Sounds perfect to me. I'd love to do that in the summertime when it's warm and we can enjoy their weather without having to bundle up in scarves and coats. I think the biggest decision is getting a feel of how her gram will feel about everything. Will she feel like going to a reception back home? Will she get the point? Will she be sad we are planning so much of OUR wedding around her?

I looked at profile's on CA Cryo the other night. I get so excited thinking about it. I love that they have celeb look-alikes for their donors. Call me vain, but I honestly don't want sperm from a bad gene pool. When I have the option of good family history, no STDs, good looks, etc. why not take advantage of that?

Life is good with my girl. We have a cruise to the Caribbean coming up in 18 days. I NEED/MUST/HAVE to lose weight. Treadmill and lowering my intake are in my future. I have never weighed this much in my life. I never knew "happiness" did this to people!! Or is it laziness? I want to feel sexy again. I want to wear lingerie and not feel I have to hide my belly. I want to walk around the house in cute pajamas rather than big sweat pants and slouchy shirts. I'm writing it down. I'm on a mission. I challenge myself to stick to it.

Happy New Year 2011 folks.

xoxo

Christmas

We're going to spend tonight at my girls gram's house. Today was a chemo day for her, so I hope she is still feeling well by the time dinner rolls around tonight. Tomorrow my girl and I will get up and open gifts together (YAY!!!) then we'll head to my parents house TOGETHER for noon dinner and gifts. We plan to take our Wii controllers and play with my niece--should be a way to clear any awkward moments. My girl is going to take some fresh flowers for my parents, rather than a gift. I think that is nice.

They (weather people) are calling for snow. I hope the forecast holds true.

I know it's going to be difficult for my girl and her family to think this "might" be the last Christmas with gram, but I hope they enjoy and cherish every.single.moment. Her gram isn't like your typical gram...she's "special", unique, one of a kind lady, a true rock that holds everything and everybody together. I'm so lucky to know her, and learn from her.

Off I go to make cream cheese cupcakes!!

Merry Christmas folks!

I saw my ex husbands best friend last Friday. I have not seen him in 5 years. It was a deer in the headlights look. He threw up his hand, and turned his head back to the lady at the register. Did he tell my ex he saw me? What did he say? That I was with a girl? A girl that looked like a lesbian? That I had gained weight? Aged? I spoke to him and asked how he was doing. I am telling myself he needed to get back to the questions the lady at the register was asking him about his deer killing, rather than chatting with me thru a closed glass door.

My girl and her mom talked about my girls sister and father who passed away this past Sunday for the first time ever. It was a huge step. I cannot believe it happened, but so glad it did. It's been since 1991 (sister) and 1993 (dad), what a long time to never speak of it. Never had headstones, but they did discuss getting them. I think my girl got her feelings hurt over a few things, but I cannot take that pain away. I told her I was sorry her mom said those things...that she had no reason to go on (and later added only because of my girl did she). She never thought she would laugh again, smile again, be happy again. She said the memories she had with her sister were HERS and she didn't want to share them. Seems selfish to me, and hurt my girl in the process. Everyone deals with grief differently but she seems TOO extreme on holding it all in and not sharing ANYTHING. She sees getting headstones as "the end"...and it's not. It's a memorial. I think they are both very much alive in my girls moms head. I feel my girl is being rejected in a way by her mom, by being so selfish with her memories. I cannot imagine never acknowledging them or their lives. That is so sad to me.

We are probably going to go away and get married just the two of us and then have a ceremony/reception back home so her gram (stage 4 cancer) can attend. My girls mom said she wants to go, too. It's hard to imagine that because she's so sour about the cancer...she says she doesn't want to do anything fun.

I'm not saying much to my girl about all that. I bite my tongue, and write it down here. I will hurt my girls feelings if I tell her that her mom is acting childish and immature and selfish about EVERYTHING. She never even gave me a birthday card (who's being selfish now...me!!) But life does go on, and life is happening all around her. I know she must feel it has stopped, but she's got a very alive daughter, and a very alive mother who isn't sick from chemo yet...I just wish she could stop and enjoy those people rather than wallowing in her pity party because life has taken away her daughter and husband, and probably soon to be mother.

I'm looking forward to Christmas...but I'm afraid there will be a overshadowing melancholy in the air due to my girls gram, especially if chemo makes her sick.

We stopped by my parents this past weekend, they were nice AGAIN to my girl. Nothing weird or odd. We also went to my sisters because she had picked up a gift for me that I'll be giving my niece for Christmas. She knew my girl was with me. She shook her hand, but didn't make eye contact. She was rude, and I am shocked she wasn't more pleasant. I'm a little embarrassed of her and the way she treated my girl.

I need to start Christmas shopping.

Religious debate in surgery today...my surgeon was simply trying to point out that christians "might" not be the only people that make it into heaven. The assistant wasn't hearing any of it. Such closed minds. Makes me sad. What part of the bible says other religions won't make it? Because they think if people don't know about Jesus they won't go to heaven? Is God that mean that he would forbid someone from entering heaven because they were not exposed to a particular religion? Other religions have bibles, and gods, and believe just as strongly as christians in their faiths. How am I certain christianity is the ONLY way into heaven?

Had a wonderful time in MX. Amazing resort. Amazing water. Cooler temps than preferred. Top shelf liquor and fine dining included in our all-inclusive package. I got tired of people constantly opening my door, carrying my plate, pulling my chair out for me. I felt helpless. How do celebrities do it?

We came back to very bad news. My girl's "healthy" grandmother (72) is looking like she has cancer. She went in for a little chest pain...and they did a precautionary catscan...they have found nodules on her lungs (both) and her liver. They did a liver biopsy yesterday...and hoping for results today. The family is devastated. In shock still. Doesn't seem real. I thought about my post a few weeks ago about never dealt with anything bad before. She means a lot to me, because she is not discriminating towards "us". How many g-friendly 72 year old grandmothers are out there? Family is EVERYTHING to them. Waiting for the lab results is hard. Probably harder than knowing.

I talked to my mom yesterday. She said "i thought we would come up and take ya'll out for your birthday dinner". OMG!!!!!!! I almost ran off the road. She's never said the pleural before. Time...yes, that was the answer. Now I just have to get thru it with no hiccups.

2 days later

2 days later I received the following email from my dad.

Hi again, I am assuming I have said the wrong thing, Cause I did not get a response on my e-mail. If this is the reason, I am sorry. Please for give me. I am thinking that I did not make my self clear on the word acceptance. I was meaning that I do not think that a gay lifestyle is right.(for me) I accept the fact that you have chosen to live your life this way. So if you are needing us to say we accept, OK we accept that you are going to live this way. Not meaning in anyway that we don't Love you.

Another thing if you want to know how we feel about things, I ask you to, ask us, Do not listen to others, or assume, something that is not right. That's all this time, Again your girl is welcome in our home. Hope you have a good trip. Love ya, Pops

I almost passed out in surgery when I got it. I literally felt I needed to sit down. What a contrast!! What changed? It isn't important. But WOW!

She brought me flowers, and a gossip magazine today to get my mind off things....

Correspondence between my mom/dad and me about Brianne coming home for Christmas with me....
Letter to my mom:

Sister mentioned she talked to you today about getting together for Christmas, with my girl and me. It feels like there is a constant elephant in the room. I have always felt like I could talk to you about most anything, even if we disagreed, but I don't feel as comfortable with this due to the lack of response, when I reached out. I know sister has talked with you but without knowing what was said, I wanted to share with you exactly what I said to her so...I'm going to paste the paragraph below that I sent to her.

"When I emailed about Christmas, I should have mentioned, I was not trying to put you in the middle of something, or exclude mom and dad. I want us to all be able to have Christmas together, but if I do not come home, it will be because of their/your decision, not mine. I am not going to push it anymore. When mom or dad ask about my birthday or Christmas, I will ask them then. I'm not excluding my girl anymore. If she is not welcome, as my friend, then the decision has been made. I am not being snippy with any of this, I promise.. I don't imagine you have forgotten what it felt like for brother in law to not be welcome at mom and dad's, not that long ago. My thought is, they/you are not condoning anything because they allowed him to sit at Christmas dinner, as would be the same with my girl and me. We only get one family, and it hurts my feelings that mine cannot get past what happens in a bedroom, which is essentially, no one's business. I understand your religious convictions on this, and I respect that. I have just as many scriptures to back up my beliefs, as well. Mom and dad probably think both of their kids are going to hell, and I can imagine the surprise on their face when we see them in heaven. I know you are teaching the niece right from wrong, and someday she can make her own decisions about how she wants to treat others who are different from her. As for now, my girl is my friend, there's nothing else to say. Trust me, I wouldn't dream of any PDA. We don't even do that at my girl's family functions where we are welcomed, we are respectful. I do not know if you and mom talk about any of this, but if that is her fear (PDA), she can be assured, that will never happen. If where my soul ends up at the end of this life is the issue, well, all I can say is a lot of precious time that will never be regained will be lost, it's my life. She welcomed the ex boyfriend into her home just fine, and I was "sinning" just the same in their eyes. The discrimination confuses me. I have a constant internal battle talking about all of this with you/mom/dad A LOT. It has hurt my feelings that mom and dad didn't respond to my email. Therefore, I appreciate that I can at least bring it up with you. Maybe they didn't know what to say, or thought nothing at all was an response in itself. I have never been scared to ask them anything, but I am afraid to ask them why they didn't respond." I know you asked for a Christmas Wish List...and you are getting more than that with this email to say the least. I apologize for that, I don't know if you realize how much this all truly weighs on my mind. What are your thoughts? Is my girl welcome in your house?

My dad's reply:

Hi, Mom told me you were leaving the country, Sounds like a big trip, Hope you enjoy it. I thought I would respond to your e-mail to Mom, about bringing your girl to our house during Christmas, 1st thing, Mom has agreed for me to e-mail you about this. I had rather make this decision. She don't need anymore stress, and I respect that enough to e-mail you. I hope you do. 2nd we don't know where someone came up with the Idea that my girl was not welcome in our house. We have always welcome anyone in our home, that conducts themselves in a proper manner, as we expect. If I remember right, the day you and I had the conversation on the phone about gay lifestyle, (and you lied) we agreed not to bring this up again. Well you are the one, who seems to be antsy. So I guess you want to talk about it now. In your e-mail 7/26/10 you said that all you ask of us is tolerance and acceptance on this issue. We would have responded to that e-mail then, but we thought you knew how we feel about all this, and didn't think we were going to talk about it anymore. I'll respond now, The tolerance you have, but the acceptance No. We would never accept anyone who lives a gay lifestyle. This would be just like a drunk, drugee, etc. It is wrong. (BOTTOM LINE) But they would be welcome in our home. I hope this answers your question. If not, you will have to make it more clear, to what you want us to accept. So If you want to bring your girl, Your conscience can be your guide on this. I'll address the statement you made about us not making your brother in law welcome in our house. Yes ,it was difficult and he has told us himself that he knew it was very hard on us. But also that he appreciates that we did welcome him. Sonofapreacherman23 sometimes in this life we have to tolerate some pretty tuff stuff to make peace. So if you could be in a parents shoes, you would see why we make some decisions, the way we do. There is a problem you have letting people influence you or mabye brain wash, is another word, for it. I know of more than one time this has happened with you. I am going to say this and then drop it. I told you before that I thought you needed counseling, and we would help you with this. We still feel the same about this. That is all. We both LOVE YOU very much, and wish you the best. If you need to talk to us about all this, I ask that we all keep peace among the family.

Love ya Mom and Pop