Hateful

We have been hateful with each other for the past few months. Not constant, just a few snippy words here and there. We had what I would consider a "big" fight a few weeks ago. Neither of these things would have happened a year ago. What's the difference? Time? Getting used to one another. I DON'T want to continue like this.

Every time I tell myself to make a conscious effort to NOT speak hatefully to her, she ends up biting my head off. And the same happens with her when she is trying to be nice towards me. We aren't any more stressed than we were six months ago. We both KNOW we aren't going to leave each other, so is this a form of taking each other for granted? Because we have security now?

What are we doing wrong?

I hate that we speak to each other with an attitude sometimes. It's getting to be on a more regular basis. I'm noticing it more.

This is not the road I want to go down. I'm not talking about us ending or anything even remotely close to that. I'm talking about just accepting the way each other speaks to one another. She's the last person I would want to speak to hatefully. We hurt the ones closest to us.

I am writing this down to make myself even more aware of how much this bothers me. I want to speak to her in a loving way, with no agitation in my voice. Why am I irritated with her?

It hurts me to write this. We are DIFFERENT. We are not those other couples. We are strong. We communicate. We don't hold things inside and let them build. We are open with one another. We are soul mates who are understanding of one another.

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We go on our cruise Thursday. So excited. 4 days. Only one stop, in Cozumel. I will have to get someone to cover my surgery case on Thursday, but by the time we get to the port (we're driving 7 hrs to Mobile) the surgery will be over and I will know that everything went well. Stress will be MUCH lower by the time I get on ship. My girls mom and boyfriend are going too, it's her graduation gift. Her gram gets her 6 week catscan on Tuesday. I am hoping we won't have the results back by the time we leave for the cruise, but I figure we will. I do not expect a good report. I see stage IV patients at the hospital and it's just not good. Remission is not possible. Her appetite is gone, taste buds, she's nauseous, losing hair, the whole nine yards. If the report comes back and it's not good, my girls mom will possibly not have a good vacation. She gets depressed and down very easily when it comes to her mom.

I'm planning a good valentine's surprise for my girl. She's clueless about it. I'm going to make a puzzle and put a hint on the back of each puzzle piece and give her one each day, 10 days before giving her the gift. Can't wait!!

I WILL speak to her nicer. I WILL have more patience with her. I WILL give her my best.