Garbage

I cleaned out a closet the other night. I found a small pink garbage bag full of Dr. Navy memorabilia. I threw it all away. I started to keep a wish box he once gave me from Alaska but I couldn't do it. If it keep anything it means nothing more than I cannot let go, and I truly let go along time ago. He did give me something he grew on his farm...and I told my girl about it. It's sitting in an Altoids box upstairs.

If I never talk to him again, it is ok. Our letters were so silly. Looking back I know why I fell for him, but I shouldn't have fallen as hard as I did. I should have learned earlier on that he would never leave his wife for me. He stayed for her, and the kids, as he should have. I found a lot of his letters humorous. It makes me wonder how much thought into writing them. They seemed superficial. They seemed hurried.

Back on the home front, life is going well. We talk about kids. We discuss our fears. We discuss eye color. We discuss if they are ugly, if they don't behave in public. I woke up with a fear earlier this week what if I die during child birth and leave her with 2 kids to raise. That scares me, really bad.

I feel like I live in a perfect world minus some social situations. We can waste an entire day laying in bed together. It amazes me that I've never been with anyone who could do that. Someone who can cuddle on the couch for hours. Stare into each others eyes and reach into one anothers soul. I've never felt like this about anyone before.

I wish she would quit smoking. She says she will.

We moved her mom last weekend. She gave my girl some things from her sister who got killed in a car wreck when she was 16. And also some things of my girls father, who died almost 2 years after her sister. Such a tragedy. She seemed pleased to get things that will help her remember them. She put flowers on their graves about a month ago. It was the first time she had been there since their funerals years ago. It did her good. God I love that girl and would give anything to take away that pain. It's unbearable pain. I feel it from her...I want to take it away. I know it's impossible. I have felt sometimes I was involved in a former life with the entire situation. I have no clue how...but I feel SOMETHING. Nothing bad...maybe that I am meant to help her heal, or deal, or who the fuck knows. I just know I am supposed to be here for her, and part of the reason is beacuse of her past. I cannot believe I just typed that.

Vacation was good. A few people got on my nerves but other than those few times it was awesome. What an incredible feeling to be surrounded by family who do not care that you are sleeping with their daughter/granddaughter/niece/cousin downstairs under the same roof as them. They probably choose not to think of it THAT way, but none the less they are truly inspiring and a VERY loving family.

Looking forward to Chicago in July. Hoping to go to a few lesbian clubs. We have been to some gay bars in Chicago, San Fran, and Vegas but they are mostly all guys. There's one lez club in Nashville but it's TINY. We always run into a few guys we don't care for there. The gay community here is large, yet small.

Would like to start trying for a baby next fall/winter. I'd also like to take a western trip next summer. Not sure if she can swing that and also her family vacation in the same year. Also have Mexico in November. I love to travel, and glad she does, too.

I love her...my wife, and my very best friend. Oh and I wanna go to one of the 6 states where we can get married. I think we could do that for a weekend trip. Need to do more research.

I'm happy.