Keeping it Quiet

I made a conscious effort not to talk about the ex with my girl. She views me talking about him as still wanting him or missing him. It's not that at all, it's me having my eyes opened more each day as to how unhealthy my relationship with him was. It doesn't happen often but sometimes situations arise and I have a knee-jerk reaction expecting HER to have the same type reaction that he did. She is NOTHING like him, not even close. I am loving the simplicity of her. I am loving that the things she is addicted to do not affect OUR relationship like his gaming did. I love that she can spend an entire weekend away from her computer, phone, and entertainment. The longer I am away from HIM (9 months now) the more I see how ridiculous I was to stay with him. I never regretted getting married and spending that 10 years with my ex husband, but I am starting to have feelings of regret about the ex. I wish I had not gotten so serious with him. I wish I had not let him taint my thinking. He had me convinced there was no such thing as forever...and maybe in retrospect there was no such thing as forever WITH HIM. He had me convinced I didn't have friends. When we argued there was no discussion, it was him yelling and him being right, and not listening to what I had to say. It's not like that with her. We don't ever fight but if we do argue we both listen and we both try to resolve it in a manner where it's not something that will come up again. I don't think I can attribute it solely to us being female and knowing how to communicate better than male/female, because I don't have any girl friends that I can communicate with the way I do with her. She and I have a soul mate connection that goes beyond spark and passion. It feels beyond myself and beyond human in some ways. As if I'm taken to another place, another realm. I'm not sure where it is, or what it is, but I have never experienced it before.

I have never looked forward to life more than I do now. All the hopes and dreams and wishing...every day with her is special. Time is going TOO fast for us. I never thought I would be with anyone again and say the words FOREVER, but now there is no other option. Divorce, separating, settling is NOT an option. She is my forever. She makes me want to LIVE. I've never been one to talk about taking my life but there were MANY times in my last relationship where I would have loved to disappear. Just to get away from HIM and how he made me feel. If I could somehow demonstrate how OPPOSITE being with her is, I would. It is literally night and day.

Maybe someday I will not even think about him anymore. Not that he consumes much of my thoughts now, but if I do think of him, it's negative now. Even the positives--vacations/birthdays/gifts...they all have a negative twist to them in my head. Nothing about that relationship was right...or should have been.

I wish after my divorce I would have casually dated and then been with my girl...but I cannot go back. I can only (somehow) find gratitude for what my last relationship taught me. Learn from it and move on...I just can't let the negativity from HIM creep in.

I haven't read his blog. I have wanted to a few times because I an nosey like that, but I can tell from his FB picture he is very predictable. SO SO predictable. Makes me nauseous. So very typical of him. I never trusted him. I don't believe I had a reason to doubt him but I was constantly suspicious. Not sure where it came from, just a gut feeling I always had with him. With her it never crosses my mind that she's not doing exactly what she says she is. And thank God she has no desire to watch porn unless it's with me...and even then it's rare.

I'm grateful for her. I am humbled and thankful I found what is true and real and feels better than anything I've ever experienced. Our relationship feels raw...but in an organic and natural way.

I more than love her...