Dying

I want it to be documented, so I'm writing it here in cyberverse where nothing ever really disappears.

I was talking to my mom on the phone Thursday before going in to work. We were talking about getting old, aging, taking care of yourself, etc. She said she wondered recently if there was any one out there whose heart would possibly never stop beating. I guess I had never pondered that scenario. I don't think that medical condition exists. She said my dad used to jokingly say he was going to live to be 110 but that recently he has said he wouldn't want to. I told her maybe she and dad would have that "condition" she speaks of. She said "i wouldn't want to die because of you two (meaning my sister and me) but if it weren't for ya'll, I'm ready right now". I think I was in too much shock to say anything so I told her I needed to get in the hospital and get to work. Afterwards I got to thinking about what she said, and analyzing. It came across that she is miserable. That she is truly ready to leave this world. I can not conceive or comprehend that. I have SO much to live for! I take into consideration her age, 61, but that still seems young to say such a thing. Maybe I am putting too much thought into it and she was just meaning she's ready to go, in a religious sense. But she qualified it by mentioning my sister and me, so I know what she REALLY meant. She has never been a happy person, so it's fitting she would say such. My dad once told me a long time ago that if it weren't a sin he would have done something with his own life.

So...when my mom and dad are no longer here, I can come back to this post and KNOW they were ready to go, almost WANTING it. It makes me sad.