I dread writing this post. I am afraid it will make me cry. I don't want to cry, but I've got to let these feelings and emotions out.

My mom replied to the cocktail shower e-vite my friend is giving us. She said no. There was no explanation, just no. Others that had responded put a reason or an apology but with happy wishes for the couple, things along those lines. Hers was a simple no. I am surprised she even answered at all, but I am glad she did. I don't have to wonder if she even got the e-vite.

Rejection. It's another form of rejection. For every ten people that are happy for us, the rejection is what I concentrate on. It's my focus tonight. The hurt feelings. The anger. The resentment. The how in the world could you not love your daughter enough to put away your selfish condemning feelings for one damn night? Why the fuck did I have to have parents that were not supportive? That rejected their daughter? That never told her she was good enough or pretty enough or strong enough. God I need therapy. I need to cry.

I don't want to hear that my parents love me because there will be a "BUT" after it. I don't want to hear they are proud of me because it will have a "but they wish you weren't spending the rest of your life with a girl" addendum. It can never be cut and dry with them. It could never be we love you and support you no matter what. Why can't it just be that simple? WHY???

How would you feel if none of your own flesh and blood came to the event representing the happiest time in your life? I know you don't have to be blood to be family, but there IS something about those people who are your kin, that you wish would have a bond like family is supposed to.

One of my girl's great aunts sent a RSVP tonight with a regret checked. I am surprised. I am hurt. She gave us a congratulations. She is elderly and I thought she would have attended. She doesn't go to church when it rains, so maybe not. I wish she would come.

I'm going to lay in bed and think about my parents. How this hurts me. How I cannot chose to ignore it or try to focus on the people that ARE attending. It's like when someone passes away and some acquaintance says "time will heal the hurt". Bullshit. That's not what you say to someone. Just like in this instance, don't tell me to focus on the people that ARE coming because the two people I most want to be there, are choosing NOT to because they believe I am going to hell. I will not have any flesh and blood at my wedding. That is sad.