Timeline

Friday night I got off work unexpectedly two hours early. I stopped by BK and grabbed a chicken sandwich and made my way home. My girl and I chatted awhile and I suggested we have a drink. A drink turned into several, and we also found ourselves listening to radio tv stations and dancing. We had the BEST night at home acting like goof-balls. Making up dance moves and turning each other on with our best sexiest impressions. Gosh she's hot when she dances.

We went to see Natalie Merchant Saturday night. I have been wanting to see her since high school. Tigerlily was "our" CD. We would make out in my girls bedroom while it played, not having a clue what the lyrics meant. We didn't care. There was passion and feeling and innocent teenage hormones raging between us. The first set of the concert was her new CD which are poems she has set to music. We really enjoyed her arrangements. She's so lively on stage. Uninhibited by anything it seems. She exudes a sensual exhibitionism. Very sultry and sexy and yet dressed like someone from the 50s or 60s. I had a couple of nostalgic moments thinking back when we used to stare in each others eyes while listening to that CD. I think I turned 17 for a moment again. Wait, I'm not 17 anymore? Sure feels like it sometimes.

We have been discussing a timeline for wedding and insemination. My girl has not hidden the fact she wants more time for "us" before bringing a baby into the world. We both know a baby will steal our time from each other. We know it's selfish. We both want as much alone time as possible before 35 years old. We would like to have birthed our kids by 35 because of the high-risk potential. So rather than June of next year we have pushed it back 6 months to Jan 2012. It seems to have made all the difference to her, and it also makes me breathe a sigh of relief not to be so rushed, or pushed for financial means by next June. Having a baby in a non-conventional way can add up, especially if you don't get knocked up on your first try. So as it stands right now...wedding ceremony in Vermont Aug 6, 2011. Try for baby Jan 2012. Then, if all goes well, "I" will start the insem process the following January and hopefully have a baby before my 35th birthday in November 2013.

Today is my mothers birthday. She and dad are coming here tomorrow for a doctor appointment. I sent her an email last week asking if she would like to meet up. She said she would and they will call after the appt and we can have a meal together. This will be the first time I have seen them face to face since my letter to them. It will be hard to not incorporate my girl into most conversations, but I cannot "hide" her, or us. They do not have to acknowledge anything, but I will not go out of my way to hide my life. When do I ask them if she can come over for the holidays? Much closer to Christmas, unless they bring it up I'm thinking.

I want to take a western US trip. Yosemite? Southwest US? Glacier? Oregon? Colorado? Not quite sure, but I want to start planning it. It will be good for us. One last Thelma and Louise style party before kids. Only 2 more months until we go to Mexico. It's going to be here before I realize it, I keep forgetting about it!

We bought a basal thermometer today at Walgreens. A feeling of "wow" overcame me while we were on that aisle. I love her more than I did a year ago...and I didn't think that was possible. This time next year, I will be married. My ex husband got remarried. Maine. I saw his pic on his wifes FB. He looks old. He looks happy. All I see is someone I once knew. No feelings. No regrets of leaving. Distant memories and they become more faded with each year. I sometimes appreciate what time does for a situation.

Holy Gyno

We went to the doctor yesterday. Pap went fine. She told my girl she has a small birth canal, said it has nothing to do with hip size, has more to do with the bones around your pubis. Told her to just have it in the back of her mind a section might be a possibility. Told her to quit smoking...got a prescription for Wellbutrin. Oct 1 is the tentative quit date. I am behind her 200% on this. After reading in what to expect before you are expecting about what smoke/2nd hand can do to eggs as far as age them, I've not had one cigarette. I want another one...and will probably have one, or a cigar at the end of September when my girl's family barn party is happening.

She told her to start tracking her temperature everyday, starting with day 1 of her cycle. She told her she could get an ultrasound around day 15 of her next cycle and we'll look at follicles. She said we can order man in a can from any cryo bank we'd like to and have it shipped to her office. She said the success rate of being inseminated in her office vs doing it at home is much higher. But said if we'd rather do it at home, she can get us a kit for that, too.

I asked if we could make this "romantic" in any way. She said after she shoots the swimmers up she will leave tilt her pelvis up for about 20 min and we are welcome to use that time to do whatever we need/want. She said just not to tell the hospital IF we bring candles in...yes, I mentioned doing that. I want this to be as "special" as it can be, given the circumstances.

After evaluating her ultrasound and temperature for a few months she will decide if my girl needs Clomid (fertility drugs to regulate ovulation). She said chances of twins goes up 15%, and she is NOT a fan of twins. I'm not either, actually! I am not sure if I would give birth if my girl had two kiddos. Cross that bridge later. She wants her to start pre-natal vitamins at the first of the year.

As she walked out of the room the doctors last words were "lets get you gal pregnant!!" How lucky are we to find such a positive, alternative lifestyle friendly doctor. Her husband, who is in the same office, is the doctor who will deliver. She tells us he loves helping gay people get pregnant. She is from San Fran, so I am thinking that helps our situation.

So after I saw on the ex's social networking site he was living in a new city, I asked my girl to look at his blog and see for certain. I have not read his blog since last August. She had never looked at it. She read a few posts and said yes he has moved. She kept reading. I asked her to stop, and she did. But not before we started a discussion about his new happiness. I cannot remember verbatim the exact way she worded it but it led me to believe he is happier than he has ever been. She mentioned his trip with new gf to Vegas, which I knew. And it got brought up about him having a better time with her, than me. And then the conversation moved into if he had a better sexual compatibility with her than me. I began crying, which elicited questions of why do I still care?

I don't care about him per say, but I told her if would hurt my feelings if he was putting it online that his new life partner was better in bed than his last gf. My girl doesn't seem to understand why it would bother me if he said that. And all this is hypothetical but I do not know for a fact that he has even said anything close to this. I am not reading his blog, nor will I. I want to...out of sheer nosiness, but I won't let myself because it will become an obsession. I'm not opening myself up to that. I told my girl that even in 20 years if he wrote that someone else was better in bed than me, it would still hurt my feelings due to the sensitivity of that subject between he and I. Oil and water as CT said it. Oil and water...thats what we were. Looking back, in most areas of our relationship. I do hope he is happy, but am a bit surprised he would move in with someone, move north, and move in with someone who has a kid. I am hoping he has found happiness and someone compatible with him. And I hope he learned enough from our relationship to walk away and form a more healthy one. I know I sure did.

Anyway, my girls says there's something still there since I teared up talking about him/the situation the other night. I told her it was because of our sexual issues...and how much that hurt and gave me a scar, and she just peeled the scab off a little. I know I shouldn't discuss things like that with her, but she's my best friend, and sometimes its hard to just vent to other friends about things like that. I don't want anyone to think I've still got something for him, but I even ask myself...why, after over a year am I still writing about something that deals with him?

MIRL

I began blogging about 4 years ago, when I was introduced to this foreign sphere, by the ex. I began commenting and receiving comments. I loved it! I met new people, was introduced to new religions, cultures, personalities, etc. What a mind opening experience! Speaking of mind-opening, we went to a drag show this weekend where drag "kings" came out. I've never seen that before!

Back to the subject. A regular blogger (niksbrain--what I think about) asked me about a year ago what I thought about meeting up with her while she is in town for a writers conference. I had read enough of her blog I felt I "knew" her well enough to welcome her into our home. She began her blog as a way to communicate with her husband as he was deployed in Iraq. As it drew closer to her arrival we began emailing more and more, etching last minute details. I felt even more comfortable letting her stay. About a week before her arrival I looked at the writers conference website...a conference for people who have written books about....SERIAL KILLERS. I told my girl and her mother. They had concerned expressions, but left it in my hands to "trust" Nik.

She arrived on Thursday afternoon where I picked her up from the airport. We took her to dinner that evening where she enjoyed fried southern catfish for the first time. Friday and Saturday she spent all day at her writers conference. Friday evening my girl made us pasta bake for dinner and we hung at home. Saturday night we grilled steaks then went out to the local gay bar. What fun! The drag show was good as usual, and the 2 drag kings were quite entertaining, too. I'm not sure how I feel about them, well drag queens, either. I mean it confuses the hell out of me. I don't think I could ever fantasize about any one in drag. It's just not my thing, but I am entertained by them! I am so thankful I was born pleased with my gender. What a struggle that must be. It's already an albatross being attracted to men and women...I cannot begin to imagine not feeling like a woman inside and out. Altho, I'm thinking of dressing up like a man for Halloween. Our gay friend tells me I'll never pull it off. We'll see...

We went to the dance side of the club after the show and shook our tail feathers for a bit. Nik got asked to dance, and we are thinking by a straight guy. He began groping her and my girl had to save her. We left not long after that. Just weird. You would think a straight girl in a gay bar couldn't get any safer, right?

Sunday we slept late while Nik finished her conference up. We let her borrow our vehicle the whole weekend, too. I figure if anything happened we've got good insurance, and it'll take care of itself. Of course she promised a million times she is a good driver, and she undoubtedly is. Sunday afternoon she wanted to grab some souvenirs for her kids and hubster. We went downtown and walked around, going in the tourist shops. So funny how we live here and never knew what was available. We dropped into Coyote Ugly, its one of her fav movies, and mine too, for that matter! We got a few cocktails then made our way back up to the BBQ joint where live music was playing. Yummy-food! Their pulled chicken sandwich was delightful, and a raspberry margarita, too! We came back to the house and watched football the rest of the evening and I took her to the airport this morning where she flew safely back to Minnesota. You betcha!! We got a kick out of each others accents. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings when I told her she sounded a bit like Sarah Palin. I love her accent, just not much on views.

It was a pleasure to MIRL another blogger. I've checked another one off my list. Now if I could just get M & L down here to Nashville for a girls weekend!! And of course I'd love to hang out with Cindy and Jordan more.

All this blogger talk got my girl to wondering what it's all about. I noticed her googling blogs and what they consist of what people do here. Funny how I really don't want her to start one. I have always told her she can come here and read but to never get mad at anything I might post. I don't think I've written anything that would upset her, especially of late. But I have also asked one reader if she thinks I might cushion my words in fear of her SOMEDAY coming here. I honestly don't think I do. We don't fight at all, and if we argue, I am usually over it before I could even compose a blog post. Oh don't get me wrong, I have my annoyances...but I am learning to love those and respect them. Besides I could never fill a box of 100 things that annoy me about you. Wouldn't that be horrible? I think I would need to evaluate our situation if that were the case!!

In my last post M asked more about us carrying babies. My girl wants to carry one, and I want to carry one. We go to the doctor tomorrow and began the process of "what to do". I have a list of questions in my cell phone to ask. Mainly about Clomid fertility, the cost, ordering fertility from out of the country, about the actual conception process. I want to light candles and make it romantic in the doctors office. Is that weird? Also going to see what she recommends for her to use to quit smoking. I really hope she says no chantix! I would prefer she try wellbutrin or the patch. I just hear horror stories about chantix!

I have asked my girl WHY she wants to carry our first child. I didn't want a "just because" kind of answer. I wanted thought, and reasoning. She said she felt if I went first, then she wouldn't receive the TLC she is hoping for while pregnant. I thought I would have had a more selfish reaction to that, but I felt good about her honesty. I know when it comes my turn she will be taking care of the baby, and me, but I think in her head, she feels "stronger", and more capable. I made a comment about her not thinking I could handle taking care of a baby AND her, but she said that's not it at all. I suppose she has a chivalrous way about her that most outsiders would say "she's the guy" in that relationship. I've tried to not look at gay people like that, but sometimes it does seem two butch people never hook up or two femme's don't. One seems to be a bit more masculine than the other. It's just how it is. I'm not attracted to femme type girls AT ALL.

Anyway, her reason is enough for me. It also buys me more time with my co-workers. I hate having to hide my sexual orientation, but it's just a fact of how it is. I suppose I am giving people plenty of time so that when they do officially "know" I can say...I'm the same person you've always known.

We have discussed WHEN I would get pregnant. Probably 3-6 months after our first child is born. I am really pushing to either be preggers or have a baby in my 35th year. I don't want to be in high-risk, but it may not can be helped. Hopefully with the fertility drugs, it will make the process go quicker. My mother was fertile myrtle, so I'm hoping that passed down to me.

I emailed a pastor of a church I have considered attending. I asked if they are gay friendly. No response yet. Will keep you posted on that.

We started reading Jenny McCarthy's book about childbirth. It is freaking hilarious!! She doesn't hold anything back. Funny stuff...but scary!!

This is my blog so I can justify saying anything I want here....I saw on the ex's social networking site where his current city is close to Chicago. If he has indeed moved, I am shocked. I never thought he would move for a girl, and I never thought he would move for a girl that has a kid. He hates cold weather and kids. If he has moved there, I hope he is happy. Gosh I was so miserable with him, why couldn't I see it?

And why do people have to be so damn happy on social networking sites? If you are that happy do you have to post it every 5 minutes? How do you have time to be happy if you are constantly on social networking sites posting about how happy you are? Maybe social networking makes some people THAT giddy! lol But I really don't want to hear how your organic coffee enema makes you think positive all day long and nothing can go wrong. Bite my big toe, please.

The Perfect Day

We had the most perfect day Sunday. Our 1 year anniversary. 1 year since we decided to be exclusive, even though she was still several weeks from moving here. We stood in her grandmothers driveway with the only light coming from the security light from a few yards away made promises to each other.

I planned a few surprises for her. First I booked an all day spa for us. We arrived at 11 am got 1 hour couples massages followed by a soak in the LED lit infinity tub (OH MY GAWD!). Next we went our separate ways to hour long facials. We came back together for lunch where I had paid for a private dining area and they brought in food from a local bread store. They served us wine with our meal. So good!! Last we had couples pedicures where I almost feel asleep from the calf rub. In between each treatment we chose to go to their relaxation room. One was a dark room with lights on the ceiling that resembled the night sky with stars. But our favorite was the projection screen room with clouds floating by and while we laid on luxurious sofas and cuddled. The spa was SUPER gay-friendly, I made sure of that before I booked it. Several couldn't believe I asked that question, but I called a few places that were not as receptive.

I also bought her a new Flip MinoHD camera and recorded my own video telling her what her surprise was. She loved it! She's a gadget girl, so I knew that would be a hit. I also got a leather jar and typed up 100 reasons why I love her and cut each of them up like a fortune cookie paper. She cried when I gave her that and told me it was the sweetest gift anyone has ever given her. I also made her a CD of songs that remind me of her. I am a sucker for Hallmark so I bought her 3 special cards to give her through-out the day. I'm a hopeless romantic...I love it!

My girl had me fresh (gorgeous) flowers in the most beautiful vase I've ever received. Along with a bag with a photo frame and picture of us taken 1 year ago. It was when she was leaving to go back home the weekend we became exclusive. Her mom snapped a photo of us in the departure lane of the airport. We went inside to print her boarding pass and looked up to see "FLIGHT CANCELLED". We started squealing like little girls and felt overwhelmingly excited. I can still remember that feeling. On the back of the photo she gave me Sunday she described that moment in time so perfect and it made me cry remembering that day. She also gave me the sweetest card with a long handwritten part that meant the world to me. She took me to dinner that evening at Macaroni Grille. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day together. She means everything to me, and I am looking forward to our lives together.

I've been searching for the perfect place to get married next year. Think I've found it. Check out Simon Pearce website and click restaurants. Thinking about the Vermont location. It's breathtakingly beautiful. I spoke with their event coordinator today and she gave me the warm and fuzzies talking about it. PLUS it's in our budget. That's the biggie!! Oh and if we do a wedding registry with them we get 2 free SP champagne flutes!! That's worth several $$!!

She's going to the gyn in 2.5 weeks. Going to discuss fertility drugs, babies, and time frames. WOW so much going on!!

She promised her mom she would take her on a cruise after she graduated college last year. We are looking to do that in March of 2011. A 3 day Bahama cruise. Think we can go for around $300 a person plus flights and drinks. I need about 6 months of people hurting their backs and needing surgery. Horrible, isn't it?

Dream

I wonder if people can will themselves into my dreams? Had a dream about Dr Navy last night. It basically came down to a decision of being with him or my girl. I would have never played out that scenario in my awake head. I have not thought of him in days, or weeks even. Why did he appear? Why is he in my subconscious?

I often try to tell myself what to dream about before falling asleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Still nothing from my parents. My girl keeps encouraging me to write an ice breaker email just so they know we don't have to talk about anything gay related. She is probably right, I'm just too stubborn right now. I feel like I wrote them an email and it is only polite for them to respond NEXT, even if they don't bring it up. Of course I am sure they feel pressure to bring it up if they respond first. I do not want to have to bring it up again, but I know that is inevitable. The way I have been feeling for the past few weeks, I do not want to go home for birthdays/holidays unless my girl can go with me. My girl says cross that bridge when I get there, and deal with it then. But who wants another week of silence/pouting from them?

We were watching the real L word last night and one of the girls on that show has gone 5 years without talking to her mother about anything gay related. Her patience is wearing thin, I can only imagine. If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't they want some consideration?

Prop 8 is another step in our direction. We will see what the appeals do for the issue. I can only hope something positive. Wouldn't a Calif wedding be great. Of course this will still be tied up in court this time next year, and we want a wedding next Aug.

Looking to start trying for babies in June 2011. Yep. So excited.

This Sunday marks our 1 yr anniversary. I got her a Flip Mino HD and a couples-day at the spa. Hope she likes it. I'm going to write 100 things I love about her and give it to her in a decorative jar. Also make her a CD of songs that make me think of her. I have no clue what she got me, but I think she's having a difficult time finding it based on what she has told me. More news after Sunday :)

Have a good weekend