They Don't Have to Be Blood To Be Family

This was a text I received today. So very true. I feel I have more non-blood family. No response on the letter, and I emailed my bro-in-law this am and he says mom has told my sister she has no intentions of replying. He says my sister will probably reply to me, when she has time. School just started back this week (she's a teacher) so I'm low in priority.

I've been reflecting back on times I remember the subject of being attracted to girls came up. One in particular comes to mind. I was at my then-best friends house, our husbands probably playing video games or talking about hunting season. My then-best friend has a gay brother. I always felt an extra connection to her because of that. I always wanted to be considered family-friendly. I was sitting in my bf's bedroom and told her I had asked husband if he and her husband had ever done anything sexually. She burst into laughter at that. I eluded that I had an attraction to a girl in high school. Not sure how she took it. I wanted to tell her so badly about my girl and what we had on/off the 4 years of high school.

I remember always wanting to be extra nice to gay people. I think I wanted someones gaydar to pick up on something in me. It never happened. It usually shocks people. It's neither here nor there, just a feeling I always had. If I felt the subject could be talked about, I feel I tried to give off hints that I had been with a girl before. Some times for male attention, some times for gay attention.

I always wanted people to know.

It bothers me that my parents haven't responded. Friends say no response is a good thing. It's better than replying with scriptures, or damning me to hell. It's better than replying in rage or fear and saying something that would burn a bridge. Surely a grandbaby will change things, but until then...will they want it to just go back to how it was? I'm tired of my girl not being able to go with me to their house. It'll be awkward the next time I'm around them. Mom's birthday is Aug 30th so I've got awhile to prepare before I will be around them.

Wishing the car dealership guy would call. I'm hoping we can trade. Looking at a 4Runner. Keeping fingers crossed on that one.

My girls mom is staying with us about a week. She had a body lift today. Major plastic surgery, in my opinion. She'll be in bandages for weeks. No shower for 3 days. It will be nice to have here stay, she's very cool. I couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law. My girls entire family is the exact same way. They don't see gender as a barrier. Live and let live, love and be loved.

Came Out

I came out to my parents in an email last night. I have not gotten a response. But, it was a big thing for me. A big big day. July 26th. It was a year to the day when I broke up with the ex-boyfriend. Coincidence? Not sure. But I felt like I couldn't go on until I emailed, much in the same way I felt I couldn't go on staying with him.

This is what I sent to my parents. I felt good after I sent it but have had some oh my gosh moments today. It ran across my mind what if my parents did something stupid or crazy after reading it. How would I handle that? That I was the one to push them over the edge? I cannot think about those things.

Mom and Dad

Hello. I called and talked to dad for awhile today. Letting him know we made it back from Chicago safely. We had a wonderful time with T. She's an awesome hostess. We had a great time at the Cubs game. Saturday we went to the BMX Dew Tour. I wasn't sure what that was but my girl wanted to go. Turned out to be a lot of fun! I think we may have even been on NBC Sports on tv!! It's guys who ride bicycles and do tricks on dirt and also metal ramps. It was very cool. But the weather wasn't. It was SUPER hot on Saturday but cooled off nicely on Sunday. Enough we got coffee to walk around with. I wish I had more time to spend in Chicago. There's so much to do there! Would love to go back to Shedd Aquarium and the science museum.

N (T's mom) was super sweet. She called to check in on us several times to make sure we were doing alright and having fun. T told me it was okay to tell you that she is gay, too. T told me that N (her mom) knows about her, and me. Like most families, it's just not talked about often or discussed. She came out to her mom years ago, and wishes she would have had an opportunity to tell her grandmother. She says her grandmother was a very open minded person and accepting of everyone and she would have been someone T could have opened up to more freely. She was scared to be the first to bring it up. I guess that's part of the reason for this email....I'm bringing it up. I want you to feel like you can ask me any questions you might have, but at the same time, not open the door for bigotry or condemnation. I would never ask for you to condone my lifestyle, but I want you, dad, sister, and the rest of the family to be a part of my whole life.

There are a few things I feel I need to get off my chest. I have known about my sexuality since high school. I tried to do what was "right" in the eyes of others, but was never truly happy (you don't know how unhappy you were until you find true happiness). Ex husband knew about my attraction to females. I think it was always a fear of his that I would leave him because of it. He said he would never talk about it with anyone, hence, why it was never brought up during the divorce. You know that I cared for ex husband, but there was always something missing with him.

You are probably ashamed of me, and would never confirm or share with any of the family, and I understand that. I can only ask for tolerance and acceptance and a continued relationship with you and dad. Your acceptance means more to me than you will ever know. I have not told you this information before (and even lied to dad about it) because I am so very fearful that the door between us will be shut. I know you have always wanted me to do the "right thing" but I really need you to know that this is the right thing for me. It is not a choice.

I know you must struggle with the spiritual aspect of this, as did I. We could argue for eternity about who is right and who is wrong but that is not the point of any of this. You can't change my mind (because I honestly believe it's not a choice) and I am not looking to change your mind. I also know you probably have fear of me losing my job, public ridicule, or worse, but in my circles, I have a multitude of supportive friends, and family. All I am asking for is your love and support, to be honest, I need it.

I know sister mentioned to you the possibility of us having children someday. I never wanted children until I turned 30 and I suppose the right age and the right person in my life makes that something that I want now. It won't happen tomorrow, but we are looking at beginning the process next fall. We would like to have a ceremony next summer and then start trying for babies. It's a daunting process that I will be glad to share with you, if you want to know, and would like for you to be a part of. All of our closest friends and my girl's family know about our plans.

I know this is a lot, and I apologize for laying it all on you at once. I don't want any more secrets or wondering and quite honestly I have been wanting to share this with you for some time. I understand this all might take some time to process. I am leaving the door open to any questions or discussions you may want to have. I am the same sonofapreacherman23/daughter you have always known. My biggest fear is your rejection, and your rejection of my family. You are my parents, I love you, and I want you to be a part of my life.

sonofapreacherman23

I was a bitch

The weekend started off rough because my sister and I got in a little tiff. We have never had cross words and she is in her early 40s and very hormonal right now. Long story, and a silly one at that, but she got a little upset at me because I told a girl she went to high school with that Facebook is not important to her. My sister feels like I am pressuring her to text and get on Facebook. She refuses to do either. I defensively told her I wouldn't ever bring it up again. We are ok now, but I was so upset, and took some of it out on my girl. Plus B's aunt J's ex girlfriend and I had a conversation on Thursday about us staying at the lake house that upset me. She was at the lake all week and was leaving Thursday afternoon I asked her to leave the air on because we would be getting there Friday night and it would be HOT in there otherwise. She said she didn't want to. She isn't even the one who pays the electric bill!!! She said a few other things about us staying down there, and my girl got really pissed. After being a bitch and acting immature, I told B I just wanted to go home where I felt better. I took everything out on my girl...and this is something I need to work on. We ended up staying at my girls grams, which was good, I am comfortable there. Sunday was a much better day, but of course, the end of the weekend. I felt bad because I caused my girl to have a not so great weekend, but hopefully she has forgiven me :)

We watched the Blind Side, loved the movie but didn't bawl and squall as some had predicted. We rode 4-wheelers on Sunday, which I haven't done in years. Love it!!

Still waiting on the wedding packet to come from the place in Connecticut. We discussed attire again last night. Thinking white pants and white shirt for her, but it will need to be a relaxed fit, maybe linen?

She's going to sky dive. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. I want her to do it NOW rather than after kids get here. It's not an option at that point.

I need to call my insurance company and get life insurance.

Our anniversary is 8/8. I've made plans. Hope she likes them. It will be almost the entire day. She doesn't read this blog but just in case, I will refrain from posting here what I'm going to do.

Anybody have a FLIP video camera? Reviews? Saw one on the real L word a few weeks ago and loved it. Gosh I love that show, I'm addicted to it!!

Chicago this weekend, can't wait. May rent a car. Would like a Hybrid Prius. We'll see.

Also going to do a surprise the last Fri night of this month. Our local science center has a laser show in their planetarium. They are doing Michael Jackson music this month. I think she will enjoy it. I saw the Beatles laser show last year and it was very cool. Probably better with some drugs, but then I would probably forget the show completely.

Need to book Boston.

Weight watchers is going great. I should do a blog to track my weight loss but my excel file will have to do for now. I've never been this big in my life, and until I am preggers, I don't want to ever be again. I can testify WW does work. It's hard work keeping up with points but so worth it come Monday morning weight in time. It's also nice my girl and I can encourage each other.

I hope she talks to her gram soon about our wedding. I want to get to planning it. It will take me a year, even as simple as it's going to be.

Got a blogger friend coming to stay in Aug. Excited to meet her.

Going to see Natalie Merchant in Aug, too.

Very very busy. Never been happier. Wish my family could see how happy I am.

Tattoo

My sister tells me that my mom mentioned knowing I have a tattoo. I had sent her some family vacation photos in May. The minute I hit "SEND" I told my girl "OH MY GOSH THERE IS ONE OF MY TATTOO SHOWING!!" My sister said mom didn't ask what it is or any questions about it other than wondering if I sent it intentional or if I forgot about it when I sent the photos. It was defiantly the latter. I don't care if she asks me about it, but I am guessing she isn't going to. My parents are being oddly pleasant. Still wondering how to tell them about grandbabies. I am thinking I should wait til closer to time. We have an appt for the gyn in August (had to reschedule from July). There are several things on the agenda to talk about. My girl quitting smoking. Then if we want to inseminate at home vs office. When to start tracking ovulation. Fun stuff!!

Her Aunt and Her Ex

We were sitting around the lake cabin over the holiday and my girls aunt said "B" is wanting to come for a visit. She wants to see gram/pops. My girl said "uhhh....why? she never wanted to come when we were together, why would she want to come now?" Her aunt said "I don't know, I thought might bring her down here". Well, that's all it took. I could feel the heat rise to my face. After her aunt was distracted I looked at my girl and basically said WTF? She said she didn't know, and she didn't like it either.

I told her I have no problem if her aunt wants to be friends with the ex, but why in hell would she want to bring her back around the family? She was never close to any of them. I realize now that the ex has moved within 2 hours of us she probably has few friends, but my girls family does not need to be her saving grace for a social scene.

We have discussed it several times and my girl thinks much like me that this is a game. She thinks the ex will flake out and not show up. Much like she did to the basketball tourney back in the spring, where she ended up stiffing my girls aunt for $90 for tix she never used, and sharing a hotel room. That has nothing to do with me, but it does show how flakey she can be.

I keep telling my girl that a negative response to the ex, is still a response. I honestly think that's what she is looking for. She knows it will push my buttons, even if it didn't push my girls. Maybe she thinks it will cause problems for us, and that is enough satisfaction for her. I wonder if when my girl and the ex were together if this same situation had risen, how would the ex have responded/behaved?

I am glad my girl doesn't want to be friends with the ex. It comes with the territory that most exes (lesbians) remain friends after a break-up. I don't get it, and don't think I even want to. Over means over and I will say as long as I live. There is no room for an ex in your current life, unless there are children involved. If they were so damn wonderful you want them as a friend, then you can have them, but you won't have ME, too. Maybe I am burned because my ex-boyfriends are not friends with me.

Next subject, her aunt. I have a tendency to always WANT to be right. I feel like I am right most of the time, and when I am wrong it is worse than a bee sting to admit it. Why, I have no clue. It's just a fact. We got home from our holiday weekend and were laying in bed about to go to sleep when my girl told me she had read a yahoo article about ways to keep check your relationship is on the right track. She said the first one was that you don't always have to be right. Both people can be wrong. She said to me "you don't have to be like (AUNT), and always be right". I think it has bothered me all week. I haven't said anything to her about it. I just feel like I was brought down off my pedestal a little bit. I know how other family members feel about this aunt and how she treats others. I love her to death but she is much like Weezer on Steel Magnolias. Just crotchety and ill half the time. It's funny...but it's truly who she is. Maybe I took it a little personal and thought she meant I am like her in a lot of ways rather than just thinking I am always right. I guess the name-calling is what has taken my breath away. She wasn't mean at all when she said it, but when she called me (AUNT), I just said "OUCH" really loud inside. Admitting I am not always right is going to be hard, and I must learn how to say "yes, i was wrong". It hurts to type it, I cannot imagine saying it.