We were laying on the back deck sunning when she said "tell me something about you I don't know". I paused for a minute and told her I thought she knew everything about me. She asked if I had a secret no one knew. I told her no. Of course this prompted me to ask HER the same question. She replied that there was something no one knew. I asked her to tell me. She said she didn't want to. After a bit of thinking I told her I thought she threw that question out there because SHE had something she wanted to tell me. She said she hadn't thought it thru that far and that was not her reason for asking me. A day later it still bothers me. The person I am going to spend the rest of my life with has something she has never told anyone, and doesn't feel she can tell me. She told me later that night she would tell me at some point. That's like a tease to me, tho. She says it's embarrassing. I reiterated a secret I had told her that is VERY embarrassing for me and asked her how it could be any worse. She was silent. It's not so much WHAT the secret is, but that she doesn't feel comfortable telling me right now. She's always opened up to me, and it's always in her own timing. I respect that. But when I ask myself would I rather she have lied to me and said NO and kept the secret to herself or would I prefer the answer I got which was YES but I will tell you later?? I am hoping by writing it down here I will feel better about her not telling me. I just feel a distance from her because of it. I just cannot imagine NOT being able to tell her everything. She already knows I won't judge her or think any less of her no matter what it is. I will be patient, I always am with her.

Letter

She worried why she hadn't heard from her best friend all week. She finally broke down and emailed her. Just a short and sweet how are you and what's going on. When the BFF wrote back she acted like nothing was wrong. It was still bothering my girl so when she replied back again at the bottom she asked why things were so weird when we were there. Her reply really bothered my girl. The BFF said is started when we asked that "dude" not go out with us. She didn't understand I suppose. And then the next thing was that we stayed in the bathroom for 30 minutes and left them hanging in the bar my themselves. We didn't go to the bathroom for 30 minutes, maybe 10! And she was with her GF so why was it such a big deal that we left them alone? And going back to the dude...my girl had sent her an email earlier in the week asking that he not come around while we were there. Apparently she didn't get the message. I don't know what part she was confused about. Anyway, the whole thing pisses me off and I would probably write off a friend that acted the way she did. She didn't even want me to turn on my sound machine to sleep while we were there. She claimed it was too loud. She just acted bitchy the entire time we were there. I know it bothers my gf but there are plenty of people in the world (that she DOESN'T have a history with) that could take her place as a best friend. I keep my comments to a minimum and support her decision.

On to other things. My sister called me this week and said she had a confession. She said mom had asked her a few questions about me and she told her she worries about me. When mom pushed and pushed for an answer as to what she worries about my sister told her that I want kids. Moms reply was "she doesn't have the good sense God gave her". Then a couple of days later when my sister, her husband, and mom and dad were having dinner for my dad's birthday my "lifestyle" was apparently brought up again. After my bro in law got home I saw that he was online on FB so I asked how dinner went. He said they talked about me quite a bit. Then he told me what was said. I am not sure how it went from mom "speculating" to mom "knows". Either way I haven't talked to mom or dad since the dinner. I'm not sure how to deal with it. I don't feel like I need to write a letter. What do I say? Something they already know? I will probably wait until they ask me, which they have said they won't do. Maybe a letter is what I need to do. But it's not like I had to write them a letter about anything else I've done. Why can't they just KNOW and never bring it up? Will my girl ever be able to come around? What about when we have kids? I will give them an ultimatum at that point. Until then, time will tell.

My girl and I are having custom rings made. They should be in, in about 3 weeks. I'd like to do something special when we get them. Not exactly sure what, think I will google ideas. Very excited about V-day. Going to Flemings for steak dinner and a movie. Plan to see Valentine's Day.

I feel better now.

Friends

She asks why I still want to keep up with him. Am I not over him? Honestly, I am over him, but the more I am away from him the more I realize how he messed me up in my head. I always compare things in my head. And it always turns out she reacts PERFECTLY to whatever situation we are in. I don't have to worry if I ask for attention, because she asks for attention, too. I don't have to worry about either of us being too clingy because we both love it. I don't EVER walk on eggshells with what I say to her. I am the most open and honest I've ever been with anyone. Nothing is off limits. I try to fully communicate with her and tell her EVERYTHING. It's a little tougher for her, but she does open up to me more than she ever has anyone.

I love how she walks and talks and calls me pet names. I love how much we laugh together. I couldn't ask for someone more special than to spend time with. Just hanging out with her would be fun enough but to be in love with her makes it that much better.

I hope she is always in love with me. Having kids is going to be hard for me, but they are something I do want with her. The initial shock of it to my circle will be hard. My parents. I feel they will disown me. I am trying my best to get prepared for that in my head. Her family is supportive, and wonderful. I feel some might even attend our wedding. I would love to go to Cape Cod in the summertime and get married.

Her best friends gf texted asking for her address this am. Not sure what that is about.

A post for today

She gives me as many butterflies today as she did the day she moved here. I get lost in her eyes. I love how she feels. I could hold her for hours and hours. I don't mind rubbing her back. Yeah, I know!

We went to WI to pick up the Jeep we bought. It has both our names on the title. SWEET!! I never dreamed I would combine anything with anyone again. But with her it all comes naturally and easy.

She was unable to get her haircut. We met her friend at a Mongolian restaurant—delish!! Then we went east a couple of hours to visit and stay with her other friends. One of which is her ex-gf from years ago. It was a little weird for me. They are best friends but neither of them view the other as an “ex”. After being around them a little more they act like they have never even seen each other naked much less in a relationship. It eases my mind.

We visited for a bit then decided to go out to a Mexican restaurant. While my girl was in the bathroom the friends began discussing someone’s name that I am not fond of. They said he was going to meet us out after we ate. This didn’t sit well with me AT ALL. When my girl and I were alone changing clothes to go out I told her what I had overheard. She immediately went to her friend and asked her if he could NOT go with us, please. Before we had left for the weekend she had emailed her telling her I had an issue with him. Apparently she didn’t get the message. I got paranoid. Was the friend just trying to piss me off? My girl assured me she wasn’t. I mean seriously I don’t want the mother fucker around. It’s not right, not fair, no matter what world you live in. Don’t play the fucking lesbian card with me. I don’t care if lesbians are all friends with their exes, it just doesn’t work for me. It’s one thing to be nice and polite but to go out and get drunk with your ex is just asking for trouble, to me. I wonder if the friend was in the situation I am if she would be the same way. I cannot imagine if I were in that situation as the friend even WANTING to be around him, much less when her best friend comes to town to invite him out. He is taking up too much of my air.

According to my girl, her BF acted different after the incident of un-inviting HIM. Not sure if she blames me, and honestly I don’t care if she does. The best friend is a little snobby in my opinion anyway. The way she looked at both of us when we arrived at their house told me plenty. She looked us up and down. Maybe looking at my newly developed flab (she goes to the gym a lot). Either way, I didn’t feel fully comfortable. She looked at my girl the same way but I’m not sure she noticed.

After eating Mexican food we went to a local bar and they had a few drinks. I had water. I was still a little upset from the night before when I read a bday card upstairs at our house from the bf to my gf. She mentioned she was so glad she was in love. Well her bday was in May and she had told me she wasn’t in love in May. I got suspicious. Why would her bf think she was in love if she wasn’t? Don’t best friends know EVERYTHING? When I asked my gf about it she said she tried to convince herself and everyone else she was.

At the local bar my girl and I went to the bathroom. We were in there several minutes and when we came out her bf loudly said “you almost got us kicked out of here, those guys kept coming to the door to look at ya’ll”. I guess it was assumed we were making out but we actually were just talking. It hit my girl wrong and she said she didn’t know why her bf was acting like a bitch. I think he bf comes across a little bitchy about everything so I didn’t think much about it. When we got home my girl said she just wished we were at home. I did too. We said our goodbyes the next am. My girl said her bf still wasn’t acting right. On the drive home she said she feels it will be awhile before they talk again. I’m chalking it up to they have just gone in different directions and maybe aren’t as close as they once were due to distance. No matter what I will always be my girls best friend. I will never fail her or leave her or make her feel like she isn’t the most important person in the world. I hope I can be everything for her and to her. She makes me happy beyond belief. I cannot wait for Valentines Day. Even tho I try to show her everyday how much I do love her. She is amazing and mine. We now have a 2^nd vehicle. Life is coming together. I’m overjoyed and head over heels crazy in love.

Inked

Our new ink. We decided on intertwined initials. Love them, no regrets. She's my girl...for good.

Christmas

This was the best Christmas I have ever had. There were no scrooge comments. No eye rolls when I wanted to play Christmas tunes on the radio. No bah-humbugs. No huffs about having to spend time with my family. No comments about how I will never be treated better by anyone. No, not one.

We opened Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve's Eve. She did very well on my gifts. Got me a lot of wonderful things, but the best present was her. Just having her at home with me meant more than anything she could have ever bought me. She loved the gifts I got her, too. She seemed to enjoy getting spoiled. I loved buying her things.

We drove to the western part of the state on Christmas Eve. I dropped her off with her mom to go shopping while I went to my parents for the afternoon. I began to get teary eyed on the drive, thinking about having to go alone. How sad it made me. How my parents don't accept her, or us. It's tough. I don't think it will get any easier, but her family makes up for it. They are so wonderful and accepting. They embrace me, and make me feel welcome. Even more-so than my family. Her grandparents gave me money for Christmas, something I was NOT expecting. Her mom got me John Mayer tickets, SO EXCITED!!!

We came home Christmas Eve, and her aunt joined us. We offered to bring a family member home from the hospital for the day. We spent Christmas day until Sunday night with her family. Christmas brunch was delicious. Gifts were randomly passed out. Everyone enjoyed spending time with one another. I cannot even put down into words what a wonderful time I had. The love her family holds is unmeasurable.

Saturday we slept late then went to the cabin to turn the heat on so we could sleep there later. Saturday night we went to the little hole in the wall marina/bar where we often hang out. We had karaoke night. What fun!! Singing, dancing, and drinking the night away.

Sunday we slept in very late then lounged around her grandparents house until time to go to the funeral home of a distant family member. Afterwards we headed home and have spent the entire day together, today. I wish I could express the feeling in my heart. The fullness I feel. The happiness. The giddiness.

We are going to her aunts for NYE. I'm so excited to finally have someone that wants to DO something on NYE. I didn't want to go to a bar, but at least I won't be watching HIM play his stupid games across the room and wish I had somewhere to go all night. I am SO glad I am not with him anymore. He doesn't even cross my mine everyday. When I left the ex husband, I still thought of him alot. Not this time.

Speaking of the ex husband. I saw where he got engaged for Christmas. I truly am happy for him, and her. I hope she is all he ever needs or wants, but more vice versa. I hope she doesn't grow restless like I did. I hope she is always honest with him and respects him.

I had the best Christmas, ever. I am looking forward to 2010 and what it has to hold. Life has never been better.

From Thanksgiving weekend

He said she not only believed in God but believed in them. Meaning the kids and grandkids. I wish my parents believed in me. I wish they were open to new ideas. I wish their home was always open and welcomed anyone, anytime. Its not that way, nor will it ever be. I sometimes think I want to go ahead and have kids so them knowing about me and my girl will be out of the way. I love my girl and crave her. I need her constant attention. She will tell me she needs attention and I love it. Dickweed would never let me ask for attention. He told me to quit being so needy. He would never lay in bed in the mornings and just hold me. He complained about having to talk to me at night before going to sleep. He would say "the bed is for sleeping". He didn't believe in quiet time. He had no emotions. How did I stay with him as long as I did? Why? I am asking myself that more and more. Out of convienience I suppose is why I didn't leave beforehand. He sent me a goodbye email for my bday of all days. The most important day of the year to me. The best birthday I have ever had he tried to fuck up. I didn't let that happen. He has NO control any longer. And its killing him. Its been 4 months and he still hasn't moved on. I'm so in love with HER. Nothing else matters. I will do anything in the world for her even if that includes waking up Christmas am w/ her and her family. I don't necissarily want to spend Christmas Eve @ home alone but I am going to want some alone time w/ her to open gifts between just us. Family is important to her on Christmas. I will do whatever she wants. I plan to have Christmas with my family