Party of Five

Well here we are again looking at a + on a HPT. I'm 10 weeks now. We had two good follicles and they apparently both met up with a swimmer and implanted. We are having di-di twins. 

June 16 I took a HPT and it was +. I had my blood drawn for two HCGs and the numbers were incredibly high--suspiciously high. High enough I suspected two. We went to our friend for a free ultrasound. I burst into tears. There were two heartbeats. Two sacs. Two babies. 

We've gone back for one other ultrasound. They were measuring perfect. 

I was nauseous the most in weeks 6-8. Week 9 still had a great deal of nausea and the closer to get to week 10 the less nausea I have. I am not quite as tired as I was but I could still nap every day. 

I've been moody. The worse part has been my breasts and my lack of ability to breastfeed. It hurts SO bad, especially after the milk is gone and she's dry nursing. I have to just tell her the Ba-Bas are asleep. 

I haven't had any unusual cravings. Enchiladas aren't like they were in my first pregnancy, but I do eat them. I still don't want to eat eggs. I've thrown up three times. Brushing teeth is hard. I gag. I developed strep or an sinus infection. I'm taking antibiotics. 

I'm showing. My belly grows every day. It's crazy. 

It will likely be a boy and girl. Names. We have some we like but nothing is definite yet. 

18 months

You're going through a little sleep regression. I read an article that said its a sleep progression bc nothing a baby does regresses. So true. You're saying more words. Your favorite word is ball and duck. I think you're trying to sing EIEIO. You love bounce patrol on YouTube. 

We took you to the zoo, your second trip

The goats and fish were your favorite. You growled at the tiger. You seemed to have a better time than at 1 yr. what a difference 6 months makes!!

You seem to be in love with me, as I am you. You'll let me hold you and read or sing. You look into my eyes with love for your ma. It's indescribable. You are my #1 and always will be. I would do anything for you. I carried you on my back tonight for the first time. You signed more. Ha Glad you liked it. 

You're throwing the ball well. You like tedious tasks. 

New Year 2015

Wow so much happened in 2014. You sat up for the first time on your own and you crawled and walked and talked. Geeze, it happened fast, but especially from July until now. 

You're becoming more loving. You will hug me, kiss me bye before work, and even blow me a kiss occasionally. You say bye to everything and everybody. It's cute. You loved Frosty this Christmas. You're saying his name now that we've put him away. You were even trying to sing Frosty the Snowman with me today. I love you, my dear daughter. 

You're in your last wonder week. It's been a doosey. You're screaming in a very high pitch voice when you don't get your way. It's annoying but I know it's just a fraction of time that it takes place in. 

Goals for 2015

Get pregnant

Have more patience with B

Stay calm and zen and relaxed 

Use more essential oils 

Love and be kind 

Party

I called school to check on S this am. The teacher said she seemed sleepy. She ask S if she was tired and she shook her head yes. Then she asked her if she partied all night and S shook her head yes to that, too. 

Funny girl. 

Giggles

I have been home with you the past two days from school. I enjoyed your giggles so much. I chased you up steps and around the floor. I chased you back and forth in the pool. You thought it was the funniest thing. I enjoyed our kisses and loves on the front sidewalk. You let me hold you and you slobbered all over my face. 

I love you so much. I am going to miss you. Thank you for two very special days I won't forget. 

1 year

You turn a year old tomorrow. 365. Amazing. It's not much like I thought it would be at this time. It's better in some regards. I can't think about the past years too much. I will cry my eyes out. I will tell you I enjoyed the hell out of staying home with you for 16 weeks. It was hard work but you were so worth it. The day before I went back to work you stared into my eyes from the changing pad and assured me that we would be ok. I'll never forget those eye sweet girl. 

I picked you up from Bambini this Tuesday and the shock and surprise on your face was like nothing I have seen you do before. You were so happy to see me. My heart overflows thinking about it. 

Your momma and I love you so much. So much it hurts us. You have made my life complete. You are so perfect and I adore you. I love your sweet smile and the way you crinkle your nose at me. I love the silly games we play. I love that you eat so well. I am proud of you and all you're learning to do. This next year will be even more incredible and you'll change every day I am sure. 

I will never be convinced you were ready to come out on July 11 but we have made the best of our first year together. 365 days. I love nursing you. I think it's made us close and bond. I wish I didn't feel like you don't like me sometimes. Your momma tells me it's just my Aunt Flo hormones. I hope so. I have no regrets about our first year. You've been loved as much as I am capable of. I have always chosen you first and your needs and comfort. I've wanted you to have an easy first year. It hasn't always been but we tried everything in our power to make it calm and peaceful. 

I love you as far as you can comprehend. 

Mommy

11:11 pm 7/10/14

17 weeks

This is week 1 of child care. It sucks. I miss her and it hurts me. She's doing well and adjusting well. 

She hasn't pooped in 7 days. Worrisome??

My mil said she wished she could feed baby Girl so I could eat dinner. As in breastfeed. Weird. Pissed me off. I haven't seen S all day and you wanna feed her for me? No thanks. I can live without the food. She rang the door bell a few weeks ago. Wtf?? Who rings a doorbell knowing a baby might be asleep?

Wife had paci in her pocket. Left it at work. Last night she took paci from daycare. Tonight she had to drive back to work and get it. Forgetful. 

My bday is coming up. Doesn't seem real. Doesn't seem important. 

I look forward to the wknds so much. 

She blows lots of spit bubbles. She loves to mimic. She's very nosey. Her smiles make everything OKAY. I love her so much. 

She laughed...REALLY laughed!!

She had been fussy all evening. When my MIL came in for the evening she SCREAMED like she had been hurt. She finally calmed down by nursing--multiple times. We wanted to show the MIL a new wall hanging in the nursery my Wife had put up for pictures this past weekend. We put baby Girl in the crib and held the little felt mobile we got at IKEA above her. My Wife had held it above her a few days prior when I was asleep and said she loved it. It was obvious she really does LOVE this. We started trying to think of ways to attach it to her green leaf above her crib. We tried duck tape but that didn't spin it so my Wife got some twine and ran it over the leaf and now the mobile moves. Baby Girl got SO tickled at it once that she started laughing. I mean REALLY laughing. It's almost like she couldn't stop for a minute. It was SO adorable!! My Wife and I both started crying, it was the sweetest moment.

A week from today I return to work. I hope it goes well, for both of us.

We have the first home study meeting today for the 2nd parent adoption. Yay!! We tried to clean the house some yesterday but with baby Girl being cranky it was hard. Plus my MIL didn't offer to help and baby Girl wouldn't let her hold her without crying. My Wife stayed up cleaning last night while I put baby Girl to sleep.

I think my Wife figured out why she has meltdowns--trapped air in her digestive tract. I will try to burp her better and longer and see if that works better.

Baby Girl is 15 weeks old today. WOW!

14 weeks

She still has endless smiles. We had her pictures made by a professional photographer that we won a contest from. She came to the house today. Feeding and timing were great. Baby Girl smiled a lot so I'm hoping she got some great shots!

She drools all the time. She grabs everything and hangs on for dear life, including my nipple this week one day. Ouch!! She grabbed my hair a few times, too. The Skwish is her favorite toy but she smiles at most anything that has color or a pattern, and strings on a shirt. 

I hate when she cries. Breaks my heart. Sometimes it's really hard. I know what those feel like. They hurt so bad. It's always fixable with milk. Hope that stays true at daycare. 

She is outgrowing clothes so quickly. 

Another week and a half left. I look forward to going to work but I feel it's going to be hard and stressful getting lunch ready and leaving on time in the mornings. Working around a baby's sleeping schedule is going to be tough!! 

I hope they let me leave work early a lot. I need money to pay bills but I would rather have my time with baby Girl. 

I've been looking at the Waldorf school here.  Wow!!

Three Months

She's 3 months now. She's drooling a lot I hope it's not teething. I read it can be because they don't know how to swallow their saliva yet. 

Mom asked if I want a thin gold band of grandmothers. They are guessing it was from her first husband. I said I would take it especially after finding out Lisa got the mothers ring. 

My wife booked us dinner at a restaurant I've been wanting to try. Yay!! I can't wait. So sweet. 

I don't want to countdown my days back to work but I realize it's getting close. 

We are going to be fingerprinted tomorrow for the second parent adoption. I'm also going to run up and get our background checks. Then we will be ready for the home study. 

Baby girl gives the best smiles. I love them. I love her. I hope she's always this sweet. 

I dread daycare. I dread getting a routine. I dread colds and all that crap. 

Ugh. I need to win the lottery. 

Three Months

Time has gone slow yet here we are at three months old today. I only have three more weeks until I return to work. It's been the best 16 weeks of my life but also the hardest. The first 8 weeks were not very enjoyable. Breastfeeding is hard work. Sleeping on a baby schedule is hard work too. How do they sleep SO much yet we were SO tired? 

She's three months old today. She's the most precious baby. I love her so much. My heart holds so much love and feelings for her. I get butterflies sometimes before feeding her. It's an excitement I feel. I hope that oozes out of my milk and she feels it. 

She's smiling all the time when she wakes up. Her new favorite toy is the Skwish. She's knawing on her hand a lot. She gets so aggravated because she can't get her thumb or finger open to suck on. She seems so big. The home scales show almost 13 pounds. 

We went back home to see some family from MN. It was just baby Girl and my MIL for the 2 hr ride. She did okay until we got almost back home and she had a meltdown. I got off the interstate and pulled into a Walgreens parking lot. Changing her diaper didn't seem to help so I nursed her. She finally calmed down. I don't understand what she hates about the car seat so much. Breaks my heart. 

I love you baby Girl. You fill a chamber of my heart I didn't know was there. Happy 3 months old!!

Smiles

She's all smiles. When she wakes up she smiles, flirts, and coos. She has started swinging at the parakeet we have hanging on her changing table. She stares at him and appears to have conversations with him. It's too cute. She is outgrowing her clothes TOO fast.

She let me sing to her today. She was laying cross cradle in my arms looking up at me while I sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Mary Had a Little Lamb to her. I melted.

I have been thinking about the look on her face when I leave her at daycare. I cannot bare it. If she is sad or starts crying. What if she gets lonely with all the strangers? She will not know anyone and she's going to be in the arms of a complete stranger for 8 hours! That seems so cruel.

We are still co sleeping. Last night was rough--she was awake from 11 pm until 3:30 am. She flailed her arms and legs over and over. She never really cried. She fed and was wide awake. I finally took her to my Wife around 3 am. She suggested we give in to the paci...she sucked it immediately and fell asleep. She must have needed soothing. I feel guilty for not know what she needed. How could I be responsible for this little person and not know more about her in times of distress?

I return to work in this month of October. I don't want to count down the days, it's in the forefront of my mind. Some parts of me are ready to get a routine. Other parts dread the rough nights where I only get a few hours of sleep. I will miss our day in day out moments. I feel like day care will rob me of time with her. I know she needs the social interaction but I sure dread her getting sick, cold mornings, and rainy days. She'll make friends, tho, and that will be fun to watch.

We are starting the 2nd parent adoption process. We got paperwork emailed to us. We are securing a lawyer. Hopefully by the middle of January she will legally be my Wife's.

I love our baby girl.

11 weeks

According to Wonder Weeks she is entering a stormy spell. I would have to agree. I think she had a physical growth spurt over the weekend now a developmental leap is on the horizon. She's very clingy today. She slept almost all day yesterday. It was great!! 

We called the ped about some "stuff" in her privates. I think it's just normal discharge. BF babies have it more often. 

We are going to see our families this weekend. Another 2 hr car ride. Please Lord look down on us and have pity. I pray baby girl is good. 

My aunts brain cancer is back. Sucks. It's been almost 2 years since she discovered it. 

I love baby girls smiles. She talks to me in the mornings. She wakes up so happy. I love it!! I melt. I am in love with her. Life is as it should be now. 

Vaccine

We went with Dr Sears delayed vaccine. She got the DtAP shot and Rotovirus in her mouth. She slept 7.5 hrs that night. She has never slept that long!! She has been very sleepy today. I hope she doesn't feel bad. 

We love her so very much. 

2 mo ped visit

She weighs 10.1 lbs, 22" long. She's finally in the 25th percentile. Bless her sweet self she's just so tiny!!

Ped says she sees a lot of high needs babies. Keep doing what we are doing. 

We decided to go with Dr Sears alternative vaccination schedule. She will go every month for a year rather than loading up every 2 months. She only got the rotovirus vaccine and Dtap vaccine today. Roto was given orally then I put her on my breast for the Dtap. She hadn't been latched on long before the nurse popped it in her little thigh. I was looking at her and saw sheer terror in her eyes. I started to bawl. Oh how it broke my heart to see that pain. Heaven forbid something happens to her that would cause her pain. Ugh, shots suck!! 

We went to a consignment sale and bought her some cute fall and winter clothes. My MIL came over tonight to play with our baby girl. While she babysat my Wife and I went thru all her clothes. We even put clothes in a box she can't wear anymore. Sad sad. She's getting big. She was a good baby today. Yesterday not so much. Very needy and clingy and nothing satisfied except the boob. She didn't want my Wife and that hurt her feelings. We may start bottles this weekend. More on that if we do. 

We are all in our bed tonight. Hope this works. We've been on the couch for several weeks. We shall see...

2 months

All those feelings of wondering why we did this are quickly vanishing. They had to be hormones. I can't imagine life without her. I crave her even when I am at my wits end. I need her. I want to be touching her. I need to know she's okay. When someone else holds her for long periods of time I miss her sweet skin. I love her so much. 

She's smiling, she loves an app on my phone but I read to not let them look at the screen. Ugh. She is awake a lot more. She's hard to put to sleep. She fights it. She places her hand on my breast when I feed her. It's the best feeling. She looks into my eyes when she's feeding. I talk to her. I want her to know I will always be there for her. 

Her smiles are the sweetest. It's so fulfilling to know I created that little body and I have what it takes to keep her alive. 

We think she may be a high needs baby. Time will tell but she fits the bill. 

We take daily walks outside. She loves the wind on her face but she loves the sunshine even more. She is never fussy when we walk her in the stroller around our neighborhood. 

I read articles that make me cry. Ones that tell me I will look back on these days fondly. I will, I already do. I will never regret holding her all day long. Never!! 

I will look forward to a date night again someday. When we start bottles, maybe that will happen. 

I love you my sweet precious baby girl. And I love you my Wife who I couldn't do this mommy thing without!! 

7 weeks 5 days

Nights are getting better. Baby Girl is sleeping about every 4 hours at night. She's fussy during the daytime but I will take that over fussy in the night. She is so sweet. We love seeing her smile. We haven't seen a true social smile but I don't think we are far away. I hate feeling we need to reach certain milestones since she was 3 weeks early. They say 37-40 weeks have same milestones but I think she's a little behind. She loves her app on my phone with contrast colors. We play that every day usually after her morning feeding. She also lays on her activity mat for about 15 min and we also do air time on her bum at that time. 

My Wife and I have been at wits end with each other mainly due to her mom. She always comes over on Wed nights. Since baby girl has been born she has acted weird when she comes over. The last 2 weeks she would barely talk to us and was plain rude. I had enough and went a little psycho Friday. I refused to go to dinner. Then I refused to go see my MIL then I refused to let my Wife take baby Girl to see her grandmother. That was the straw that threw both of us over the edge. My Wife bawled thinking I am going to take baby Girl away from her one day.  I will never do that. But she has in the back of her mind it will happen one day. We talked to my MIL later that night after we calmed down. She said she thought things would've been different. She thought she could drop over anytime without calling. She doesn't consider herself company. She would like to move back in. She wants to hold baby Girl all the time. None of this sits well with me. I don't like unexpected company and yes she is company. My wife, baby and I are a family unit. She is our family but not in our unit. It's weird she wouldn't want a separate life from us. I am better after our talk mainly bc I know where we rank. 

I need to somehow formulate the words to tell my Wife how I will never take baby Girl out of her life or leave her. 

Maybe once the adoption is done she'll feel better. 

Baby

Raising babies is hard stuff!! Breastfeeding is not super easy. Still using the shield at 6 weeks (Thursday). She just this week sat in her swing longer than six minutes. She hated the car seat but the past few trips has done somewhat better. She is a wild child in the night. We don't know why. She sleeps and eats every four hours during the day. At night she likes to cluster feed...growth spurt feed...comfort and soothe feed, FEED FEED FEED!!! It wears on me. I get mentally exhausted more so than physically.

The hospital bills have begun to roll in. Ugh.

My Wife and I can be short with each other, mainly in the night when there are no solutions to a fussy baby.

Weight

I had my 3 week post delivery check-up yesterday. My OB said I was perfect. My incision looks great and I can take a bath now! He said I don't need to lift more than 20 pounds for another month then I have all restrictions off. My BP was 130/70. My weight was within 5 pounds of my starting weight. I asked the nurse how much I gained total and she said 20 pounds. It was actually a little more than that because I didn't go see the OB until week 10. I had gained about 5 to 8 pounds during that time. I can't deny that it didn't happen...but at least on paper in my medical record it didn't. Ha

I had to get away yesterday. I needed to know that I could escape, that I am not tied to this house. I left and drove down to the river and cleared my head for about thirty minutes. Wow that was great. I think it saved my sanity--especially with my parents visiting last night. They had already upset me due to not understanding text messages about dinner. Ugh. Sometimes I think I was adopted!!

I am working on my Wife's anniversary present. It's not our wedding anniversary but it's the day we committed to each other. I ordered her a custom money clip. It's got the tree of life on the front, and latitude/longitude coordinates on the back of our house. It shipped today so it should be here before 8/8.  I am writing her a long letter telling her what "FAMILY" now means to me, what our relationship now means, and how complete things feel now. I've never felt a part of a family. I am so different from mine. And the fact we have begun creating our OWN family is an amazing feeling.

Due Date July 31, 2013

Today is my due date, or was. I was telling a friend that I was a little sad about not making it until today. She said even three years after her baby girl she still thinks about the what if's and that it always stings a little bit to think about. That's what I'm feeling today...a little sting. It makes me wonder why things didn't go as planned. I don't buy into that everything happens for a reason crap. I think it is what it is and it's just that simple. There probably is no reason. I do wish things had happened differently. I wish I had a natural birth story to tell. I wish baby Girl had weighed more at birth. I hope she develops those fat rolls on her legs soon. Is it one of those things I am never happy with any result? I am so thankful baby Girl is healthy, and that I am, too. But that doesn't mean I can't have a day to think about how things MIGHT have been.

So...hello and goodbye to what almost was, but never will be. Your due date was only an estimate...it's just a date...just a number on the calendar. July 11 is the best day of our lives and began our little family. I love that thought...our family. I've not had that before and it makes this mommy thing so much more sweet.