These are the flowers I want for my bouquet. Beautiful, aren't they?

We found a DJ. He has been SO helpful and provided his song list. We also created three of our own CD's that we will give him of "for sure" songs. We will have songs playing as people enter the venue. Then we are going to play instrumental love music during the dinner. After the dinner, we will have a dance.

I was chatting online most of the morning with CT. She received our STD (I giggle as I say that). She told me wouldn't be attending the wedding (1st trimester of pregnancy) but she offered as a wedding give a phone session with her clairvoyant/intuitive. I graciously accepted her offer and told her I would love a session with R. It will be for thirty minutes and she told me to be sure I have 3 or 4 questions for her. I spouted them off quickly...I have been thinking about this for awhile! I am looking forward to the phone session.

After receiving a comment on my last post about a pre-marriage counselor, I started looking for one locally. It's hard to find one that isn't associated with a church. Then I started looking at online pre-marriage counselor questions. We ran thru several pages of questions, me asking my girl about how she feels about certain things in our relationship. I got some good, positive feedback. The only hiccup was the question "do you have any unresolved issues with your fiance?" She said no unresolved but it still bothers her to think about the night (2 years ago) when I went out with some friends, and things hairy. I had been drinking (heavily) and I kissed another girl. At the time my girl and I had promised to be exclusive to each other. About six months after my girl moved here she went thru my phone and saw a text conversation with one of the girls that was out with us that night. She confronted me about it, and I lied. She took some time to think about if she wanted to be with me. She said she would forgive me. I thought it was the end of it, but it has been brought up several times over the past year and a half. Not a ton, but some. In the last couple of weeks, it's been brought up twice. We discussed AT LENGTH last night. It was still never resolved. She keeps wanting me to tell her something to help her get past it, and I have no idea what that might be. I have apologized over and over and maybe at this point I feel I have apologized enough?? She feels like I cheated on her and the gigantic amount of trust she had in me, she lost some of it. I told her I was not sure we should get married if this is as big of an issue as I am feeling it must be for her. She said "okay". Knowing full well she doesn't meant that, but I didn't think she would say "okay". I told her I wasn't saying that to be dramatic, I seriously meant that if we have a big issue that hasn't been resolved, I'm not sure that it will be in the next 29 days. We went to bed and we laid in silence for a long time. Finally she asked me to tell her that I was sorry and I would never do that again. I did (sincerely). I went to sleep.

This morning I sent her a hello email, when she replied back she was glad to hear from me and said that she read some articles last night about our talk. She mentioned she might look up some more on her lunch break.

I realize doing our own pre-martial counseling is NOT the best idea, but if she cannot get past something that happened in the first week of our commitment to each other, what should we do? Am I being mean? Insensitive? Cold? Do we just have cold feet? There is no doubt in my mind she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I feel more secure with her than I ever have. I want to grow old with her. I want to share EVERYTHING with her. But this one evening when I was drunk and stupid crushed her.

I am not justifying it, but this happened before she moved here. That does not take away from our commitment to one another. All I am saying is that I just came out of a three year relationship two weeks prior. And I IMMEDIATELY hopped into a new exclusive relationship. Looking back, I should have told my girl we would commit after she moved here. How could I predict I would get trashed and kiss another girl? I should have been more responsible. I should have respected my girl and me more. I am mad at myself. I beat myself up over it. I moved on. And she hasn't.

Do I write her a letter so she can have it in writing and each time her fear comes up she can read it? I do not mind her asking me to reassure her, but to re-live the details of the night is NOT healthy for either of us.

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We worked on invitations last night. We are doing them ourselves using a kit. They look elegant. The only thing I notice about them vs. the ones you order from a company is the lettering is not raised. It's a little more difficult to find the right wording when we want anyone to feel welcome to the wedding in CT, and we want to invite everyone to the reception. I worry that having two different dates on the invite will confuse some, so I suggested we drop the time on the wedding on the invite. Otherwise you might have people going to the country club at 3 pm on Thursday, April 28. ha

We wanted to do a little something for our three guests who are flying up to Connecticut. I put together an email with option 1) statue of liberty 2) empire state building. They chose option 1. I'm going to book those tickets today. Who knew going up in the crown would be sold out until July? So we'll go to the pedestal and museum. Afterwards we would like to take everyone to dinner before taking the train up to Connecticut for the night. The hotel where we are honeymooning when we come back to NYC say they will hold our luggage while we do our touristy sightseeing.

What are your thoughts on us providing beer/wine at our wedding? Beer/wine/AND liquor? We are unable to take in our own--obviously the country club wants to make $$. The 1/2 keg is not too expensive, and we would probably get boxed wine since they cover a lot of glasses. Just not sure how much of a tab we'd have for liquor...scary!! We have talked about doing a cash bar...but then the beer and wine drinkers would have their's provided for free.